Who Am I?

Suppose, for whatever reason, you are an excellent shoplifter. You practice often. Does that make you a thief?

This behavior has become your identity. Much like my friend the dentist, when asked who she is, will say, “I am a dentist.”, we usually think of our identity as being paired with our behaviors. My dentist friend is also a mom, daughter, master gardener and person in long term recovery.

Identities change. Identity is more than one thing. We can get a fake ID or even go into the witness protection program as a way to change our identity but these are low percentage options for transformation.

Change, transformation, usually happens slowly and unevenly over a long period of time.

One way to change is to participate in our own renovation and restoration. We are cooperating with God as he works to remove our shortcomings (selfishness, self-centeredness, fear, dishonesty) when we become willing to admit the awesome power of this one true thing: you can steal without becoming a thief.

You only become a thief if you never decide to stop stealing, refuse to admit that you have stolen in the past and refuse to make right your wrongs.

What identity are you ready to let go of? Who do you intend to become? What behaviors does he/she practice to live out that intention?

Problem Patterns

Here are some common patterns that all of us deal with to a certain extent. The challenge for each of us is to figure out which problems are the biggest issues for us. Conflict arises when we are not great at developing connection and intimacy (not sex, vulnerability) in relationships and/or we struggle to effectively handle conflict.

Do any of these issues pose challenges for you?

• Do you have a tendency to blame others?

• Do people ever accuse you of avoiding responsibility?

• Do you minimize your own wrongdoing? Make excuses? *

• Do you justify your misdeeds?

• Do you flood your thoughts with the distraction of self-pity or victimhood?

It is oh so true that others bear blame, share responsibility; we do get back breaks and/or are victimized. All of us have trouble being objective about our own motivations and mistakes. Everyone does this. Everyone.

These are not good long term strategies for an abundant life.

We can resist the urge to avoid feeling sad. We can find ways to make BOTH things true - we do wrong and so do others. AND we can find a way to deal with our part without using other people’s parts as an excuse to avoid our own.

Curiosity

For whatever reason, there are people we harm that we do not remember harming. It is good to stay curious about such things. Keep an open mind and attitude about who ELSE might need to go on our list because sometimes we are distracted by the obvious choices.

This is our work and we try to NOT make it easier on ourselves by asking others to help us out. “Hey, if I ever did anything to harm you, I’m sorry...” is a hard-hearted amends and is guaranteed to do more harm.

We may also want to lean into thinking about the excuses we make for our behavior. That is one way we minimize and try to wriggle out of a thorough list-making.

Has anyone ever accused you of “playing the victim card”? Get curious about this too! If we constantly tell stories about ourselves that are filled with self-pity, our judgment might be a bit cloudy.

Just be curious. Notice your patterns. ESPECIALLY if you have places of safety and acceptance in your life to support you as you explore the way you interact with others!

The Gates of Hell

“The gates of hell are open night and day; Smooth the descent, and easy is the way But to retrace your steps, to Climb back to the upper air - There the struggle, there the Labor lies.”

Virgil, the Aeneid

I observe this tendency in myself and others who tell me their stories. We want to talk about our intentions.

I did not intend to forget.

I did not intend to hurt you.

I did not intend for you to find out.

I did not intend to sell your car for parts.

I did not intend to make you mad.

I did not intend to relapse.

All true but totally unhelpful. When we have been harmed, another’s intentions are not really the issue at hand. Does it sometimes mitigate how we feel? Maybe. But in recovery we learn to not let intentions serve as a proper excuse for doing harm to another.

How have you allowed this idea of “well intended” to sabotage efforts to resolve a wrongdoing?

Grace, Grace, and More Grace

I HATE receiving forgiveness, grace and mercy. It so much more satisfying to not have to face my own limitations OR figure out a way to cover them up - which is to say, find another way to put lipstick on a pig.

I think it is easier in these instances to give than to receive.

But here I was, in need of all three. Although the text helped relieve my initial shame attack, I was still stuck with this vague feeling of unease. I was tempted to make cookies or send yet another note of apology. Flowers maybe? I felt uncomfortable and I wanted quick relief.

What was needed in this moment was not a bribe. I needed to humbly accept the unconditional kindness given me the very instant I realized I had messed up.

Inevitably as we craft a list of people we have harmed, there will be moments of angst when we wish we could get rid of our uneasiness associated with shame, guilt and remorse. In other words, a good bribe. Maybe a quid pro quo. But that is not how grace works.

We connect with one another because of our flaws and failings, not in spite of them. This is the real gift of recovery. Eventually I learned a friend of mine, Linda Hancock, had jumped in and covered for me. As always, she was amazing. Once I knew the identity of my savior, I thanked her for her kindness and apologized for putting her in that position.

HER TEXT REPLY: “I once stood up 800 people...so no judgment here. I’m just sad I didn’t get to listen to you so let me know when you are speaking!”

What do you notice? I have awesome friends? Yes! What else? Acceptance. She was vulnerable and shared her own story of forgetting (connection). She was clear in her position (no judgment). She offered me words of encouragement (I wanted to hear you speak; when will you do this again?). We need more Linda’s! And….she makes me want to be a Linda too.

Who is your Linda? Who are you a Linda to?