What if failure is

We experience pain and difficulty as failure instead of saying, I will pass through this, everyone I have ever admired has passed through this, music has come out of this, literature has come out of it. We should think of our humanity as a privilege.

- Marilynne Robinson, Paris Review

How do you deal with the mistakes that you have made that harmed yourself and others? Do you try to forget it happened? Do you blame others or make excuses for yourself? Do you humiliate yourself in a fit of remorse? What part does manipulation play?

What if instead of leaning into our fear of failure and our dread over acknowledging our own fragility and humanity, we took a look at our list of shortcomings (selfishness, self-serving, dishonesty and fear) and thought about what our life would be like if these character flaws were removed by God?

What do you think your life would be like if God were to remove all your shortcomings?

Accidents Happen

I once hosted a dinner party on a fine summer evening. Our guests milled about on our back patio sipping cool, refreshing beverages and plucking tiny appetizers off of fancy trays. Meanwhile, I was in the kitchen trying to set out a buffet spread on our dining room table with such precise timing that the cold foods stayed cold and the hot foods stayed hot.

A dear three-year-old, whom we adore, decided that I needed help, which was true. I was grateful she noticed. I had just placed a generous bowl of cut fruit on the sideboard. She took one look at the crystal punch bowl and glass tongs and that kid found her reason for being. I could hear her murmuring and dragging a chair across the floor but lacked the capacity to investigate. As I pulled blistering hot baked potato casseroles out of the oven I heard a new, louder, murmur from her: “It’s ok, accidents happen! It’s ok, accidents happen!” and indeed one had.

Her best thinking told her that she needed to further toss the fruit. She tossed the fruit alright. Up and over the lip of the bowl the fruit rained down on the table and floor. A strawberry landed in the middle of a green bean casserole. A cantaloupe chunk found its way onto the brisket platter. Meanwhile, she hummed a little tune and delighted herself with her service work.

It was the best moment EVER! This child had learned a lesson most of us are never given or do not have the capacity to receive. Accidents happen and the world continues to rotate. We are human and make mistakes. When we repeat those mistakes over and over again, we discover we have developed a habit that has become a compulsion. We discover that we are constitutionally incapable of NOT making this same mistake time and again. Our shortcomings may result in deeds that are so awful, so big, so UNFORGIVABLE that we do not know what to do.

Do we lean into the humiliation of it all?

Or do we trust in humility? It is OK to understand that accidents happen, it is invaluable that we learn our part in cleaning up the mess.

Are You Running Away From or Running Toward Your Intentions?

You think when you wake up in the mornin yesterday don't count. But yesterday is all that does count. What else is there? Your life is made out of the days it’s made out of. Nothin else. You might think you could run away and change your name and I don’t know what all. Start over. And then one mornin’ you wake up and look at the ceilin’ and guess who’s layin’ there?

-Cormac McCarthy, No Country for Old Men

I did not grow up believing in shortcomings. Shortcomings, I thought, were for sissies. Or lazy people. My way of thinking went something like this: if you see something about yourself that you do not like, change it. This illusion of control was wiped out when my eating disorder stole my life without my permission.

In recovery I learned how to see myself and the world differently. Some limitations are beyond my capacity to wrangle into submission. The Seventh Step offers insights into what we can do about our flaws. It requires us to make peace with the fact that without God’s help, some shortcomings will continue to plague us without abatement.

In the Seventh Step we:

* Ask God to do the work we are ill-equipped and incapable of doing - removal of our shortcomings.

* We ask humbly - which is no small thing and we will need to think long and hard about what that means and how we accomplish humble asking.

* We accept and acknowledge our SPECIFIC shortcomings without excuse, without humiliation, and without equivocation.

For the next few days, we are going to look at Step Seven and consider its value for a person who desires to live a life of integrity and intention.

Harm Comes in Many Forms

I cheated three of my children out of having a real father with them when they were young and I will always be sorry for that. I let them down when they were teenagers because of the example I set. I have little doubt that, in the care of Jeff and Laura, their own drug abuse was a twisted way for them to reach out and connect with me, get my attention, win my love and approval through emulation. It took a decade to turn my example around for them, but it has been, finally, well worth the struggle.

John Phillips, Papa John

What hard things might you need to address?

It’s easy to get disheartened about doing hard things but John Phillips reminds us that sometimes, finally, it will be well worth the struggle.

Reflect quietly on your life; see what you may need to address.

This is Suffering

Anyone who has lived through it, or those who are now living through it, knows that caring about an addict is as complex and fraught and debilitating as addiction itself. At my worst, I even resented Nic because an addict, at least when high, has a momentary respite from his suffering. There is no similar relief for parents or children or husbands or wives or others who love them.

David Sheff, Beautiful Boy

How has your suffering exacerbated your mistakes?

What has it taught you and how might it have refined you?

If one shortcoming is fear - everyone who loves a person with a substance use disorder is plagued by it.

How does fear sometimes cause us to harm ourselves and/or others?

This is suffering. There is no need for judgment but plenty of opportunity to take a different path. Who can help you take a different path if you are suffering and find yourself living in ways that do not fit your intentions? As Mr. Rogers says, “Look for the helpers.” This saying was meant for preschoolers, and lately it has been used to bear more weight than I think Mr. Rogers could have imagined. But if we refuse to allow it to be a cliche, it still has value. We can look for someone to help us sort through our lives. That’s always a good thing.