An "As if" Life

If the first part of our work is to believe that God might remove a particular defect of character without feeling any need to text us or put a post on Facebook acknowledging his efforts on our behalf, then it makes sense that we test the theory. We behave AS IF HE HAS REMOVED THE SHORTCOMING. This, of course, requires that we thoughtfully strategize about what that might look like and develop a plan of action.

What if he hasn’t? We will know soon enough. Our shortcoming will continue to show up. Bad news tends to travel fast. This is to be expected so we can also plan accordingly for those incidents. I am weirdly excited about this phase of recovery. I have skills for this work!

If God has not seen fit to remove a specific flaw, I know what to do next. I can do a Fourth Step, then a Fifth Step, repeat the Sixth Step and return to the Seventh Step whenever I notice that my shortcoming is still alive and well. Most often we discover this once we get to the Tenth Step (We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it).

We are capable of doing this work because we have already acknowledged that our shortcomings are harmful. But we have mad skills so there is no need for fear or self-condemnation.

Meditation Moment

If we could move past the stories we tell, who might we become?

You are past love, praise, indifference, blame.

-Thomas Hardy, “Your Last Drive”

When Grief Provides Relief

Decades into recovery, I am still surprised by my grief, especially when approaching the Seventh Step. This was not my experience in previous steps: Why the Seventh?

This step is grief-triggering because we are surrendering to the inevitability of change. I do not like change. Most people do not like change. We are often more comfortable with the devil we know than the one that might pop up in our future.

After I realized how often I leaned into false humility I realized that I had a problem with shame and humiliation. I began some personal work around that topic. I utilized therapy and my 12-Step practices to provide structure and accountability. I was embarrassed by what I discovered (more humiliation). I became keenly aware of when I was “doing it”, I hated to see it, which turned out to be a blessing. There came a day when I was thoroughly and completely ready to have this shortcoming removed (Step Six).

Immediately I felt relieved. I had a path forward! I could ask God to remove it. And then, I grieved. I grieved the loss of my old friend; self-deprecation. I mourned the blank spaces that would be left in my life when God removed it. How was I to cope?

Although it is true that the Seventh Step relies completely on God to actually remove our defects, our commitment to trusting him in all our affairs means that life will change. Here’s how it works for me. Humbly asking means that I cannot presume on God’s timing, but my trust in my Higher Power invites me to believe that he might rush to my aid at any second.

So I practice. I practice not reacting with humiliation. I practice believing that at any second, this plaguing habit might be washed away from me. I journal about all the ways that I see humiliation show up in my interactions with others, my thought life, my feelings and my decision-making. If it smells of humiliation, then I put it on the “do not participate” list of my daily activities. This is step one, with more to follow.

But there is some grief, loss and even self-pity in letting my old friend go. Humiliation does not leave without a fight, which I can respect! I notice how much I am going to miss her. She was my go-to defense. She was a great excuse not to try. She helped keep me in check by limiting my willingness to dare to believe that I can dare greatly.

Meditation Moment

How has the pain of the past distracted you from willingness to move forward and change in the present?

Regret is vain.

Then do not grieve for what you would efface,

The sudden failure of the past, the pain

Of its unwilling change, and the disgrace.

Leave innocence,

And modify your nature by the grief

Which poses to the will indifference

That no desire is permanent in sense.

Take leave of me. What recompense, or pity, or deceit

Can cure, or what assumed serenity

Conceal the mortal loss which we repeat?

The mind will change, and change shall be relief.

-Edgar Bowers, “Amor Vincit Omnia”

Humiliation Versus Humility

The first book I ever wrote was a personal disappointment. I was in a meeting with trusted advisors immediately following its release. They asked me about my experience with the project. I replied, “Well, you know I co-authored it and I really love what my teammate wrote but I dunno, I tried really hard but do not think I contributed much to the project. I am grateful to God for the opportunity, but I see no more of these projects in my future.”

One of my friends replied, “If you do not respect your abilities why should we?”

In his way, he was pointing out my lack of humility. I had a boatload of humiliation and self-doubt but no humility. There are a host of reasons why we might feel humiliated; all of them are unhelpful. Humility accepts what is, as it is. Humiliation is an emotion felt by a person who feels somehow….reduced.

Perhaps we believe that to simply acknowledge our own effort is lame. Shame and humiliation like to hang out together. It’s likely that if we are filled with shame we cannot accept ourselves so we most certainly would never think it appropriate to believe that we are worthy of acceptance or recognition. My unreasonable expectations for myself made it impossible for me to accept my best efforts without a need to denigrate them. This attitude practically begs the listener to reassure me, encourage me and deny my own fear of failure by providing me with positive words of affirmation. This is an unreasonable demand to place on others. A simple question about a project turns into a triggered moment that ultimately reveals an area where I have more recovery work to explore.

In the meeting rooms they have a saying that folks in recovery have a propensity for simultaneously experiencing: a feeling of grandiosity along with a debilitating inferiority complex. I can relate. Others call it “egomania with an inferiority complex”. However we label it, this is a problem the Seventh Step addresses.