Check Before You Wreck

You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Zach Galifianakis and Ice Cube to Bill Maher, Washington Post, June 8, 2017

Eager to win back the attention of his parents, a young man with a few days clean under his belt calls collect from his treatment facility for homeless men to make amends to his parental units. The conversation did not go well. Although most of us prefer a sponsee who steps briskly through the 12 steps, rushing to Step 9 is a rookie mistake.

There is a reason it is Step 9! The first sign of trouble in this young man’s rush to right a broken relationship was obvious. He had expectations. He wanted to end the big chill that had set in between him and his family. The ONLY expectation appropriate for Step 9 is righting a wrong. He was misguided in his motivation.

To avoid such mistakes requires several near certainties:

1. The stepper needs to be well enough and prepared to make an amends that does no further harm. This is the number one priority for anyone trying to make amends. This assessment usually requires wise counsel. We, the offender, may be insensitive to how the offended may feel about our amends. Because we do not want to do additional harm, we need to have a reasonable level of confidence about the approach we take to making the amends. Although direct amends are preferred, they are not always possible. Perhaps we are making peace with someone who is deceased. Maybe we committed a sexual offense and any contact we make would be re-traumatizing. These kinds of issues need to be sorted out (more on this later.)

2. The stepper needs to be reasonably clear on the exact nature of the wrongs he or she is trying to right. No excuses. No justifications. No rationalizations. No blaming.

3. The stepper needs to have no expectations for the outcome. The stepper needs to be able to show up with the right attitude. No one owes us a hearing on our amends. If they agree to a meeting, gratitude is our go to emotion. If we cannot find that awareness, we need to wait on the amends.

4. The stepper needs to be crystal clear on the purpose of the meeting and ask permission from the offender to proceed with the amends. This is not about restoring relationships. This is not done with the hopes that the other person will give us a courtesy amends in return for our efforts.

The work is to admit wrongdoing, discover additional wrongdoing, and make restitution (as defined by the injured party) for the wrong done. That’s it: I was wrong. Did I miss anything? How can I make it right?

The Structure of Amends

The structure of appropriate amends is simple. Not easy, but simple. The discernment and wisdom required to make an amends that meets the requirement of doing “no further harm” is complicated. And amends can go sideways so very, very fast.

The formula for making an amends goes like this:

1. Make an appointment at the convenience of the person you have harmed by disclosing your desire to make amends. (This is far more complicated than it sounds and we will dig into the details later, but this is the first step.)

2. Start with thanking them for meeting you. Remember, they certainly could have told you no! Ask them if it is ok to start the amends. If they agree, proceed.

3. As specifically as you can, without editorializing say: I was wrong when I _______________________________________________________________. List the nature of your EXACT wrongs.

4. After completing the list, you say, “Did I miss anything?” Whatever their response reply, “Thank you.” Now is not the time to ask for details and it certainly is not the time to try to explain yourself. Just receive the information, add it to your list if you agree. If not, you can always circle back around for a follow up conversation later. Do not get distracted. Your mission is to make amends. Period.

5. When you both agree the list is as complete as you can make it, ask this question: “What can I do to make this right?” As long as it is not illegal or immoral, to the best of your ability, use the feedback they provide you to make your wrongs right. That’s all you are trying to accomplish at this moment. Restoration of the relationship is not on the table for discussion. You are simply here to learn how you can begin repairing the damage. Finally, you can conclude, “I’d appreciate your forgiveness. Whether or not you are or will ever be ready to forgive me, I want to make this right.”

Clearly, this is the most basic format and there are many, many concerns to address before we hunker down and start cold calling our harms list. Stay tuned. Wait until all the caveats and warnings and exceptions to the rule of amends making have been shared before proceeding!

Disclosure

We are disclosing animals, wired for unburdening. It’s what we do as a species.

-David Rakoff, Half Empty

One of the unfortunate side-effects of poor listening involves harming ways. People in recovery are taught to understand this - but I’m not sure the rest of the world has received this gift of humble learning. If you’ve practiced these steps, you have the experience of arriving at Step Nine, where we actually make the amends we have been preparing for. Others of us are not walking these steps with quite the same precision as others - but we can still glean wisdom from the process! In Step 9: We make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. We screw up our courage and face our fears. We ask permission to make amends to people we have harmed, set an appointment up with the willing and DIRECTLY acknowledge our wrongdoing and then ask to make it right. Although this step in no way obligates another to forgive us, forgiveness is certainly a desirable outcome.

Our initial inclinations to run after those we have harmed and apologize may have morphed into a low grade dread. We are learning that the days of “I am sorry” are behind us. We are figuring out how to make amends and then actually taking the actionable step of doing so.

I have struggled with two primary issues when making amends:

1. I find it difficult to make an amends to someone who has also harmed me

2. My fear of rejection, my pride, my loose relationship with honesty, my selfishness and self-seeking - all holler at me to deny, deny, deny rather than admit.

When I was a kid my dad always told us to NEVER, EVER admit wrongdoing. He said that it was a sign of weakness and even in the face of proof of wrongdoing, if you claim your innocence loud enough, most people will back off. Unfortunately, he was right. It is similar advice a pastor gave me once, “Teresa, part of leadership is repeating what you want people to do over and over until they think it is their idea and they go along with it.” Unfortunately, in some toxic environments, this works.

Take a minute and consider what you have been taught about amends, apologies, and forgiveness. Do you think you have been given access - and practice time - to learn how to apply biblical principles in concrete, tangible and executable ways? I was not. But that is no excuse. I need to learn. How about you?

I Don't Want to Do That!

Humility is just as much the opposite of self-abasement as it is of self-exultation. To be humble is not to make comparisons. Secure in its reality, the self is neither better nor worse, bigger nor smaller, than anything else in the universe.

-Dag Hammarskjold

We may resist making amends because we have fears and resentments that make it hard for us to follow through - even when we acknowledge our wrongdoing. We compare offenses. He took my truck. She pulled my hair. He pushed me. She bit me. On and on it goes.

Recovery work is unwilling to give us a way out of doing hard things, because those who have gone before us recognize that doing hard things is the way through our suffering. Some humbling experiences are best embraced.

Do any of these things stand between you and your next right step?

* Do you find it hard to make an amends to someone who also needs to make an amends to you?

* Are you afraid that you will be rejected?

* Is your pride bruised and tender and too fragile to express the vulnerability required to admit you made a mistake?

* Are you in the habit of dishonesty rather than the practice of honesty?

* Are you selfish or self-seeking in some way that makes you reluctant to accept responsibility for your mistake?

All these thoughts holler at us to deny rather than admit. But recovery is about leaning in to a new way of living. So here is the million dollar question: who do you intend to become? I ask myself this all the time. Do I want to be the gal who sells ice to the indigenous people of Antartica (this analogy worked better before climate change became an issue) or am I a woman of principle and integrity? Am I the gal people back away from or am I the kind of woman people want to lean into and move toward - even on my bad days?

The Pre-Amends Process

I have a friend who owes a ton of money in back child support. The number seems so big that he feels hopeless; in frustration he stopped paying any child support at all. He is eager to make amends to his ex-wife, but his sponsor has cautioned him to slow his roll.

In fact, he strongly encouraged him to address the issue of child support before making the amends. My friend thinks this is crazy talk, but nonetheless, he listened. His salary is meager but he figured out how he could give $5.00 per week to his ex. He owes thousands of dollars, so from my friend’s perspective this seems like spitting into the wind. But he does it.

He made these payments for a solid year and soon, very soon, his sponsor thinks he might just be ready to make an amends.

The amends itself is deceptively easy:

1. I was wrong when_______________________ (be specific) and I know this harmed you.

2. What can I do to make this right?

But we must proceed with caution. Here are the concerns that we also need to address:

We need the follow up question - Did I miss anything? Perhaps we remember 4 harming things we have done. The other person may reply, “Are you nuts? Those four things are no big deal to me, but THIS. THIS thing right here that you did when you ______. THAT DEVASTATED ME.”

Back to listening we go.

We do not always know what harm we have caused or we may be confused about the other’s perspective on harm.

When this happens, we do not get into an argument (a big listening fail), instead, we thank them for the feedback and go back to our support system to help us sort out this new information.

But in all things the rule is this: do not harm.