Finding Our Value

The mistake we make is to turn upon our past with angry wholesale negation… The way of wisdom is to treat it airily, lightly, wantonly, and in a spirit of poetry; and above all to use its symbols, which are its spiritual essence, giving them a new connotation, a fresh meaning.

John Cowper Powys

There is this tipping point that we come to when it becomes more painful to ignore our past than the fear we feel when we think of facing it. When I was waking up from my eating-disordered ways I needed support to help me learn how to eat again. This was way back in the 70’s and these issues were not being addressed particularly effectively back then. I had to take principles from one “ism” and apply it to my own.

Part of that work involved self-reflection and surrender to wisdom beyond my brain’s capacity to understand. I learned what experts said was a healthy weight for my age and height and I chose to believe them instead of my screaming brain that demanded that I weigh less each day.

One “symbol” that helped me tremendously was an insight that I was granted early on in the process. I “saw” how my body’s attempt to lose weight was a strategy to lose myself - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I considered all the thoughts, traumas and tragedies that taught me that less of me was more. I chose through gritted teeth to see this way of thinking as unwell. Less of me was not more! I had value. I had worth. I could be a person who took up space on planet earth without fear or condemnation.

Only as I read John Cowper Powys’ quote do I see it even more clearly today. This was the gentle whispering of a God who loves me and challenged me to respect and love myself. I had made a mistake believing that my presence was a bother, or too much, or defective. I needed to not only retrace my steps and denounce this error I had to learn to walk in the world in such a way that I was not apologizing for the depth of my footprint on the surface of the planet.

What We Need

What we need right now is a balm from Gilead! What’s that? The Balm of Gilead was a rare perfume used medicinally in biblical times. It was produced in Gilead, hence its name! It has come to mean a cure for anything that ails us.

And what is more appropriately described as a Balm than the 12-steps? Regardless of our “isms” - those who work (not read) these steps learn almost everything we need to know to have a decent life.

* We learn how to be honest about ourselves with a spirit of acceptance.

* We forge a healthy, surrendered relationship with a God we continue to try to understand. As our understanding grows, our spirits are healed by God. It turns out God heals in many and varied ways. It gives him pleasure to do so. For some of us, the realization that God is delighted to help us might be one of our more shocking discoveries.

* We learn how to clean up our side of the street. We discover that our issues boil down to one or more of four root problems: selfishness, self-seeking, honesty and fear.

* Once we see how our shortcomings caused strife and broken relationships, we were given a very specific plan for how to go make our wrongs right.

Despite our global suffering, we can do this work. It’s easy to feel helpless in the face of virus, job loss, and isolation. But let us not forget - there is still much we can take responsibility FOR and there are ways to remain faithful and responsible TO those we love. Now - on to Step 10: We continue to take personal inventory and when we are wrong - promptly admit it!!

On Being Brave

You have been as brave as anybody I’ve known, and it is comforting to think about it. You probably don’t think of yourself as brave because nobody who really has courage does.

Marlon Brando, Letter to Tennessee Williams

During tough times we often forget that courage does not necessarily require dramatic acts that make the headlines. Sometimes it is a series of small, insignificant right steps. Be brave, one small step at a time!!!

Yikes!

The Big Book of AA says, “The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. Unless one’s family expresses a desire to live upon spiritual principles we think we ought not to urge them. We should not talk incessantly to them about spiritual matters. They will change in time. Our behavior will convince them more than our words. We must remember that ten or twenty years of drunkenness would make a skeptic out of anyone.”

Not all amends go well. Here is an example of an amends gone bad:

“ ‘Joey, I know I treated you and your sisters badly when you were kids,’ he began. “One of the things I’ve learned through Alcoholics Anonymous is that you have to admit that you’ve hurt people and let them know how sorry you are. I know that I did some bad things back then, and I apologize. Son, I’m sorry for anything I may have done to harm you.’ Then he stuck out his hand. I did not have it in me to forgive him, as absolution was not my line of trade, but I shook his hand anyway, if only because this creepy vignette made me uncomfortable and I wanted it to be over. Clemency was not included in my limited roster of emotions, but because he seemed to be making an effort to turn his life around, I did not express my true feelings at the time. Still, the whole thing rankled. I didn’t like the way my father phrased his apology; it sounded like he was working from a script. I knew, of course, that the self-abnegation-by-numbers routine was a stunt suggested to people like my father by Alcoholics Anonymous. You have done many bad things and now realized that you were powerless before the fearsome suzerainty of demon alcohol, but you were man enough to fess up to your mistakes. You said a few words, you stuck out your hand - meekly, if you were any good at this sort of thing - your apology was accepted, and then everything was even-steven….Nothing my father had done in all the years I’d known him infuriated me more than this fleabag apology.”

Joe Queenan, Closing Time

What went wrong? What principles did Joey’s dad violate? How can we learn from this experience?

Maybe...

People don’t like it when you change. Even if that change is making your life better, they don’t like it because a little piece of them dies.

Ricky Gervais

I suppose Gervais could be right. But I see it a bit differently. Change is hard to recognize; it takes time to trust it.

If you have amends to make, do them as best you can whether people like it or not. But do so with the utmost respect for the difficulty they may face in hearing it.

It is hard and we are ill-equipped to deal with past harms that wrecked us. Be gentle and gracious to all.