An Attack on Shaming Statements (Part 4)

...more thoughts on shaming statements….Part IV

* You have embarrassed yourself/me/your family.

When my mother passed away, my father wrote me an email enumerating all the ways I was an embarrassment to him. This was not his work to do. When we feel embarrassed about the actions of another person, and we all have had this feeling before, it is important to pause to prepare. One time I was taking someone to treatment and when we arrived at the emergency room, she laid down on the ground outside the ER entrance and threw a temper tantrum. It was epic. While I was inside trying to get some help, Pete stood guard over her as she got out her frustration with fists pumping and legs flailing. An acquaintance approached the entrance and recognized Pete. He looked quizzically at Pete and pointed at the tantrum-throwing. “Yours?” he asked. Pete shrugged. It was too much to explain.

I asked Pete if he was embarrassed to be associated with such a meltdown in a fellow adult and his reply was classic Pete. “I wasn’t throwing the tantrum, what did I have to be embarrassed about?”

I followed up, “What if that had been our daughter?”

He shrugged, “Still. It would be their tantrum, not mine.”

I am not that evolved but I aspire to become a person who can take responsibility for my own actions and allow other people the dignity of taking responsibility for their choices as well. I am sure there are a million ways we foster shame reactions in ourselves and others that I have not considered in these posts. I’m going to keep on the lookout for shame attacks. One final point. If shame worked as a tool for change, then I would advocate for its use. There is so much that needs to CHANGE in our world today. But shame does not work, so let’s keep looking for effective ways to bring hope for change and support the work of transformation.

An Attack on Shaming Statements (Part 3)

...more thoughts on shaming statements….Part III

* You can do better than this. You are better than this.

Lately I’ve heard people say, “We are better than this” in a variety of scenarios. I wonder. Are we? If we need to critique someone, again, be specific. My training instructor might say, “Your deadlift weights have dropped. Any thoughts on what’s going on?” She is reminding me that I have demonstrated in the past a capacity that is greater than my present numbers indicate. This is a problem for someone who is trying to get stronger! Maybe I have an injury, perhaps I’m over- or under-training. Comparisons are good if they are used to measure progress. It is unhelpful to say we are “better” - it is an unhelpful comparison and it can be either inaccurate or shaming, depending on our perspective.

* Do you have any idea how this makes me feel?

Instead of asking others to guess about our feelings, we will be more effective and less shaming if we can actually talk about our feelings (when appropriate). I might say to Pete, “When you get caught up in watching a lot of sports on tv, I feel lonely and disconnected from you.” This invites a discussion without me asking Pete to be responsible for my feelings. When lonely, I have more options than asking Pete to give up his beloved sports. When I feel disconnected, I can make alternative suggestions for ways we can reconnect. People do not magically know how we feel, and in some cases, our feelings are none of their business. Take for example a crisis situation with a child who has made a suicide attempt. Sitting on the foot of their bed in the hospital is probably not the time to ask them to muster up the energy to figure out their parents feelings. Instead, parents should run not walk to their own support system for the much needed encouragement and love they need during this frightening time. Later, with a lot of coaching, maybe it will be appropriate for the entire family to share feelings and process how this event impacted the family and what needs to change to create a place of healing for everyone.

...to be continued…

An Attack on Shaming Statements (Part 2)

...more thoughts on shaming statements….Part II

* Why can’t you be more like ______?

I do not like being compared to others, do you? This is simply unnecessary. IF we are in a position of student/teacher or mentor/mentee, comparison can sometimes be helpful. For example, I am teaching my grandson the fundamentals of tennis. Sometimes I say, “Look, Christian, see where Meme’s feet are pointing? Try that and see if the ball goes straighter when you stand like this.” It is a skill specific comparison made within the bubble of learning, not as a general statement to elevate one person at the expense of another.

* You have/had so much potential!

Oftentimes when we comment on potential, we do so with the best of intentions. We’re cheering someone on, pointing out a particular gifting or talent that we hope the person will recognize and develop. But often the recipient of these words feels more shame than inspiration. Potential is a concept for personal reflection, not social commentary. How do we know another’s potential? We are in essence saying - try harder, you can do better! But can they? How do we know that what we are witnessing is NOT their 120% effort? Better to say, if we are actually qualified to comment on and have been given permission to speak about another’s performance - Your butterfly stroke is graceful; your serve is strong; your endurance is impressive. Be specific. But make sure we are qualified to speak; we are speaking the truth; we are speaking to provide information, not to manipulate someone.

...to be continued….

An Attack on Shaming Statements (Part 1)

“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”

Brene Brown

I love strength training, pruning bushes and an aggressive cross-court backhand (that goes in) at just the right moment in a tough tennis match. These are all activities that feed my attack instincts and release tension. In recent years, I’ve acquired a taste for attacking shame with equal vigor. It requires MORE effort than anything I have ever experienced. I had no idea how to distinguish between guilt and shame. I was completely ill-equipped to require shame to prove its point. Here are a few examples of ways I am learning to fight back:

* How could you do this to me?

Although all sorts of disappointments FEEL personal, most are not. Do the choices of others impact us? Yes, you bet. But assuming folks are DOING STUFF TO US is giving them more credit than they deserve. When our children make choices that are different then our preferences - they are not doing it to us - they are living their lives. Mostly, people are not thinking about us as much as we wish they would - and that’s ok. We are crafting our life story; they are building theirs.

* You are such a disappointment.

I’m just not sure why any of us think this sentence needs to be in our vocabulary. When we are disappointed in someone else, that’s an appropriate conversation to have with our spiritual director or therapist or support group. We need to wrestle with why we have felt free to position ourselves as the judge of another person. Disappointment is best reserved for self-reflection; it can, used sparingly, guide us in our personal work of change and transformation.

To be continued…

The Usefulness of Guilt

“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” Brene Brown

Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change. Wow. That’s quite a statement.

Shame is a painful feeling caused by a perception of brokenness. In contrast, guilt is the awareness of wrongdoing. We can experience shame without earning it. Shame is that yukky feeling that whispers, “Something is wrong with you!” without doing the hard work of actually inquiring as to the specifics of what is broken. It’s just the WORST, because shame does not offer us hope for change.

Guilt provides us useful information. I did something wrong; I realize it; I can now figure out what I need to do to right the wrong. This is why shame is such a pernicious emotion. If something is WRONG with us, then we’re broken. There’s no fixing it. Yesterday Norah bit the tail off a toy whale eraser. After she picked it out of her teeth, she wanted Meme to “put it back”. Unfortunately, that whale is not going back together no matter how long Norah wails. Shame encourages hiding. But it offers no path to healing. Can you think of examples of when you have felt shame? Are there times when your words have perhaps inflamed the shame in another? Famous shaming phrases to spark your memory:

* How could you do this to me?

* You are such a disappointment.

* Why can’t you be more like ______?

* You have/had so much potential!

* You can do better than this. You are better than this.

* Do you have any idea how this makes me feel?

* You have embarrassed yourself/me/your family.