Paying Attention to Yourself

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”

Brene Brown

Michelle’s spiritual awakening did not negate her responsibility to live a truthful life - including the messy parts. What in the world was she going to do about this mess with Kevin? Using her mediation skills, Michelle began the arduous work of pausing to prepare.

She began by paying more attention to herself. She learned her patterns and the ways her own ambivalence allowed her to escape responsibility for actually solving many problems in her life, not just this new concern with her husband. She learned that his approach to problems - get big and loud and deny deny deny was ineffective BUT so was hers. She had a tendency to try to sneak up on a problem so as not to make waves. She learned that her passive and indirect approach left people more confused than clear about what she was asking for. Another thing she learned is that when any of us approach a problem that is not easily resolved, we have a couple of big, base-line truths we must respect if we are to make progress.

1. The other person has a different perspective; it does not matter if we think they are right or wrong, they have the right to be misguided. They have the responsibility to either own their perspective or change it but we do not have the right to judge it.

2. Our work is to own our perspective. Describe it clearly. Stan on point. Know what we want to get out of the conflict and the relationship. Also, know what we do not want.

Michelle blew this often and regularly the first month or so of what she began to think of as “the talks”. After the ill-fated and never-to-be-mentioned golf outing, she tried to blame the guys for her concern. “Hey, Marsha said that Jim told her that there was a problem when you guys went to Florida. What happened? Why do they think there is a problem?”

* What would Brene think is wrong with this opener?

Peace Never Wants To Go First

“When we work from a place, I believe, that says ‘I’m enough,’ then we stop screaming and start listening, we’re kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we’re kinder and gentler to ourselves.”

Brene Brown

In Sarah Blondin’s wonderful book, “Heart Minded,” she quotes her son - “Peace never wants to go first.” I love that. Children are so full of truth. And potty words. But I digress.

Before we return to Michelle and her conundrum, how about we pause for some peace? Let’s start there, the last place we often look. But one little preachy word. I wonder what would happen if every morning we refused to go out into the world until we had found our peace?

Lord, you have brought me to the seclusion of a manmade lake, built for the making of hydroelectric power; which is good for power, but cost many families their farmland. Oh, the burden of vision.

You have brought me to the valley of vision, what would you have me see?

Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up, that to be low is to be high, that the broken heart is the healed heart, that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, that to have nothing is to possess all, that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, that to give is to receive, that the valley is the place of vision.

Let me find your light in my darkness, your life in my death, your joy in my worrow, your grace in my sin, your riches in my poverty, your glory in my valley.

The burden of the valley of vision.

Isaiah 22:1

Looking For the Helpers

“When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.”

Brene Brown

I wish we were sitting together drinking coffee and listening to the rain soothe the earth. I’m at the lake; I love a rainy day here. My temporary home sits on the edge of the earth that drops precipitously into Smith Mountain Lake. We are surrounded by trees; the rain feels like a blanket of protection and melody that restores my soul.

I needed it. Yesterday was sunny and perfect for lounging on the dock. I read a book I should not have bought. I loved it; but it stirred me up. It’s called “One True Thing”, by Anna Quindlan. It’s the story of a daughter who leaves her NY life to return home to care for her dying mother at her father’s insistence. He changes nothing about his life; he goes to work; continues his affairs; takes advantage of his children’s love for their mother by an unappreciative assumption that they will handle everything in his absence while criticizing their every move. This was not a light read. But what the story ultimately does is break the daughter’s heart and opens her up to believing that she can, that she should, that she must, create a life that fits who she is, not who she tried to be to win her father’s love.

Whether the cause is narcissism or a shame-based feeling of unworthiness - who is to say? But many of us have been so overcome by fear that we have lost sight of the light. Anna Quindlan’s character eventually recognizes all the ways that she was held and supported in life - by her mother, a teacher, her brothers, her best friend. This frees her of the fixation of chasing after the people who she meets who cannot love her (her father, bad boys, etc.).

* If you went looking for the helpers in your life, who makes your list? Notice how easily we forget them in favor of an unrequited obsession with those we wished would be there for us.

Rising to the Top

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

Brene Brown

As Michelle’s responsibilities at home shifted away from the children she returned to her law practice, but with a slightly different focus. Once a tough litigator of criminal cases she did not want to return to that level of intensity. She decided to become an attorney with a specialty in mediation. It was because of this training that Michelle believes she backed up and recalibrated when her husband became so defensive once she mentioned the increased problems associated with his drinking.

This was not the only factor that disrupted Michelle’s typical reactions to conflict with her beloved. Michelle was having a spiritual awakening of sorts. Here is what she reported, “I have learned over the years what it is like to be hard - tough, protective, and closed in. I also know what it is like to be held - loved, supported, and open-hearted. I believed that I could coerce Kevin to comply. But this is not who I want to be anymore. I have a choice as to who I want to be and I have chosen to focus on the grace I have been given. I want to trust that the world is a benevolent place and is oh so achingly and slowly becoming heaven on earth.”

Now, before we assume Michelle has been smoking crack, considering 2020 has been the year that many of us have cursed, stop. Pause. Ask yourself - what if I am wrong? What if I am wrong about everything I have thought about 2020? Maybe the world is not going to hell in a handbasket, maybe the world is shaken and stirred so that the cream might rise to the top. Maybe we needed a big intervention to move us away from our own personal ambivalence. Maybe we are all called to do some soul searching.

* What caused you to forget grace? What distracts you from seeing God’s support and lovingkindness permeating your life and the lives of others?

Playing Well With Others

“Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.”

Brene Brown

Michelle is in a pickle. She is legitimately worried about Kevin. Kevin does have a problem. But instead of using the force of her quiet but formidable will, she chooses a different path. See, Michelle has not been sleepwalking through the decades of her marriage; this gal has been taking notes.

She understands that if she is arguing with her husband for change and he is arguing against it, the end result will be disappointing for all concerned. She and Kevin have a pattern when faced with ambivalence (we all do). When Kevin is faced with a request to change his behavior, he gets angry. He starts pacing and waving his arms; he gets annoyed and irritated; he justifies his position and announces his unwillingness to change. This works for Michelle. She can then resort to her patterns of ambivalence and the problem remains unresolved (but she can blame Kevin for it). This does not work for Kevin and Michelle the couple. Michelle has her own ambivalent patterns. She gets defensive, feels overwhelmed by Kevin’s energy and quickly withdraws all of hers. She turns passive, feels discouraged, and disengages. This works for Kevin; but it does not work for Kevin and Michelle the couple. If you’ve been married for 15 minutes or work at a job that requires playing well with others - basically, if you are not living in a cave and eating berries - you know this dance. But have you ever owned your part in it?

How do you respond when someone is trying to “help” you? What does this cost you? Who loses?

* Angry

* Defensive

* Uncomfortable

* Powerless