Your "Other" is Not the Problem!

Yesterday’s blog included this statement: “My self-evaluations (accountability) show the impact “other” is having on my responsibilities - and I am responsible for figuring out how to adjust to that so that I can continue to live by my core values, as expressed through my responsibilities.”

This is the OPPOSITE of how I used to think, and will think again today if I am not super duper careful about my doing my work of managing me. My old way of living sounded more like this old example from my life.

About ten years into our marriage we joined a gym. One that costs money. My frugal spouse did what you would expect - he figured out how to get to the gym every day. This was because if you pay for a gym membership, McBeans believe you use it. And, if you say you want to work on your physical fitness, you do it. At least, Pete McBean thinks and does these things.

I, on the other hand, couldn’t figure out how to get to the gym every week, much less every day. We had a newborn, a four year old, and an eight year old. I had heard a rumor that child protective services is picky about hanging your kids up on a hook in the den and telling them to hang out until you get back from the gym. It just never seemed like there was a right time for me to get a workout in.

I grew increasingly resentful of Pete’s workout. This is an example of looking to “other” to solve the problem of “me”. I stewed. I ruminated over how selfish Pete was; how he didn’t care enough to figure out how I could get my workouts in. Soon, my internal mutterings were slipping out sideways. I would give him the cold shoulder after he came back from the gym; I would make sarcastic comments - I suspect you can picture this routine.

Finally, Pete called a halt to this nonsense. I resisted maturity and problem solving, preferring to pout and blame. But eventually even I could self-evaluate and see that I was asking Pete to be responsible for me. Soon, we were coordinating schedules. We figured out how to use the childcare (which in those days involved a corral-like structure in the corner of the gym with no adult supervision - one step up from a hook). The point is, we figured it out and no children were permanently scarred from their mother figuring out how to hop on a treadmill for twenty minutes three times a week. My “other” - our schedule, my husband’s habits, my children’s needs - was not the problem. My lack of taking responsibility for asking for what I needed and wanted was the problem. And...there was another issue which revealed itself as I took tiny first steps toward responsibility for my own wellbeing. I discovered I was reluctant to commit to working out. I was ambivalent about going to the gym. This truly, truly was a “me” issue to be sorted out.

How might you be using “other” as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for developing your awesome self?

What Does Responsibility Look Like?

After seven months, I can only speak for myself, but I have lost a ton of my initial adrenaline fueled mojo for digging deep. Now, I’m just kind of worn down by the uncertainty of it all. The initial core values that helped me rest and reframe and look for healthy distractions from the death counts and discussions on “to mask or not to mask” have been fine but I sense a need to shift.

The temptation when we need to pivot is to blame our old strategies for not working. Unhelpful! Instead, I can move to a more proactive approach. I can think about responsibility.

First, let’s talk about accountability versus responsibility.

Responsibility is what we are charged with doing. I have a responsibility to be faithful to my husband - I agreed to that. I have a responsibility to take care of my body, mind and spirit - I signed up for that when I became aware of the sacred calling to do so. I have a responsibility to be a lifelong learner - I chose that when I realized how much I did not know. There are more but I think you get the point. Bottom line: we all have responsibilities that we have chosen or have been assigned to us.

Accountability is the reckoning. It is the evaluation of my effectiveness carrying out my responsibilities. So when it feels like my body, mind and spirit are flagging, it is my responsibility to make necessary changes to restore equilibrium. Accountability is how I learn what needs to change.

Here is a ridiculously simple example.

Suppose I have agreed to take responsibility for my body because it fits with my core value of living a meaningful life. (I have decided that optimum living will require me to take care of the only vessel my soul has to enable it to flourish.) I establish some metrics for accountability, which usually requires some outside input. I ask an exercise guru to help me evaluate my training; I ask my doctor to help me evaluate my overall health. I ask my spiritual director to help me evaluate my soul work. When the metrics are off, I think of what needs to change (with the help of my support community), not who to blame. Blame is a waste of good energy chasing bad, negative ways of thinking. The beauty, for me at least, of this way of living is that I avoid my natural but totally ineffective way of understanding my life by looking outside of myself to understand me. Pandemics and politics - these are outside of my circle of responsibility. Sure - I vote, I try to educate myself about my part in healing the world. But much of it is beyond my responsibility. My self-evaluations (accountability) show the impact “other” is having on my responsibilities - and I am responsible for figuring out how to adjust to that so that I can continue to live by my core values, as expressed through my responsibilities.

I dunno, but I wonder. Do you ever think that sometimes we get so distracted by “other” that we forget to think about all that we could be responsible for? And then...take action?

Meditation Moment

A prayer for people who are afraid they cannot or will not be forgiven…

God, our hand is in my life and in all my ways.

Keep me from fluttering about in my faith; give me the faith to settle in and live as a faithful person.

I ask because I am ambivalent; my decisions are inconsistent; I do not live according to your will - instead, I fixate on my own.

Cut me off before my compulsions become my thoughts and my thoughts become my actions.

You are good, patient and kind; grant me that I might be and do the same.

Save me from myself, from the deceit of ego, the treachery of my nature, the denial of my offenses.

I know that many of my desires are a contradiction.

I live as though I am testing your patience.

O, Father, don’t cast me away and drive me from your presence. Open my heart that it may heal; make me whole and holy.

A Sprinkling of Mercy

In Anne Lamott’s book Stitches, she tells a story that I love on so many levels. You may remember it from the news. In 1995 a coastal town twenty miles away from Lamott’s home experienced a devastating wildfire. It’s a small village, 1,500 people give or take. Some teenagers had camped out overnight, illegally, built a campfire and buried it before they left to return home. They did everything they knew to do to prevent a forest fire. But their efforts were inadequate. The fire destroyed 12,000 acres of wilderness and according to Lamott, almost 50 homes. Think about this. Fifty homes for a town of 1,500 people. The town was saved but the lost wildlife were incalculably tragic.

The boys immediately turned themselves in. The families were so distraught they considered moving away.

Until this miraculous, CENTRAL ISSUE was addressed. A firefighter wrote a letter to the local newspaper and reported how carefully the boys had worked to extinguish their fire. His willingness to lead with kindness inspired others. Soon stories were told by other adults - they confessed their worst mistakes. Vulnerability and mercy rained down with at least as much power as those burning embers and the water that sushed them.

Eventually the town had a picnic to honor the heroes. Towards the end of a speech, the president of the board of firefighters took kindness and added in a big dose of grace and mercy. He talked about how in ancient times, people who hurt a village would be shunned. He told the town that he hoped everyone would make it clear to these four embarrassed and ashamed families that they should not move away. A big mistake was made, but the boys were still wanted. Their families were still needed in this community to make it strong.

The town agreed. The people most hurt by the fire came up to the speaker and voiced their blessing on his plan. The San Francisco Chronicle published a letter, a portion of wish Lamott quotes (p.110), “So what seems to me to be happening is that this community, which has just fought so stubbornly to save itself from a holocaust, has turned, almost without missing a beat, to try to save the future of four young men.”

I hope it worked. And I hope we will continue to do our work to be the kind of people who participate in healing, not hurting, to the best of our ability, with plenty of mercy and grace sprinkled over all of us imperfectly perfect humans.

Who is on Your Support Team?

There is no meaningful ‘Yes’ without the counter-weight of a discerning ‘No’! My granddaughter says no to me putting on her shoes for her; naps; standing still. These ‘Nos’ make her ‘Yeses’ richer, more meaningful. Norah also says ‘Yes’ - a lot! She says ‘Yes’ to playing and running and doing her booty dance. She says yes to cookies and butterfly hunts and jumping on beds or sofas and games of chase.

The adults in her life wrestle with how to respond to her choices. This truly is sacred work. There is some pressure in this responding AND it is a privilege. I think all of the adults in her life try to do so within the framework the CENTRAL ISSUE. Sounds easy? It’s not!

Do we encourage Norah’s awesome gymnastic skills by letting her jump on the sofa? I do not. But I am awfully glad that her other grandma gave her an awesome mini-trampoline to encourage her jumping. You have not lived until you watch her jump in that thing!

It is not accurate to promise that all our dreams come true - especially if we work hard. Sometimes our best efforts do not result in a big dream life. But. And this is the really good stuff….. Whether or not our dreams come true, it probably matters more how all the people in our life are supporting and holding us.

Most of us can survive, maybe even ultimately thrive, as we adjust to a broken dream. But it is awfully hard work to come back from a broken heart. Tomorrow, we will talk about one town’s response to a tragedy and how their story might just be the life lesson we need right about now.

In the meantime, look for the helpers in your life. Who has supported you? It’s ok if first you have to make a list of all the times people have not been supportive. But the crucial list is finding the support team you have had, and will have, as you continue walking this road of life.