Weekly Blog

Tips, Tricks, Skills, Spirituality and Wisdom

Teresa McBean 2/17/18 Teresa McBean 2/17/18

What happens after a relational offense?

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In addition to following Brene Brown through her words and imitating her ways, I practice this thing I call reciprocity. Reciprocity is nothing more than a phrase that reminds me of core principles that I hope to live by in the heat of my own freak out moments. For example. I get an email which explains to me how I hate Jesus and clearly know nothing about spiritual transformation. I feel automatically defensive, irritated and worried - Is she right? I mean, she could be. This is what happens to anyone who dares to put themselves out there in the world. There will ALWAYS be folks who criticize. And since Brene admits that she used to listen to her critics (even though it is a bad idea and she tries not to do so now), I can certainly follow suit: it is hard for me not to doubt myself when others are telling me I should. Vulnerability teaches me that I can acknowledge that I am tempted to give criticism from strangers sway in my sense of self-worth. There. I said it.

It isn’t enough for me anymore to know this about myself without developing some skills to change my response. How about you? Are you ready to change some aspects of yourself that do not serve you well?

Tomorrow we are going to talk about a skill I practice to help me weather criticism in a way that is constructive.

Teresa McBean 2/16/18 Teresa McBean 2/16/18

On Being Brave

Recently I received an email criticizing me for a particular course we were offering in our community. This person evidently is on our mailing list. It felt great. Not the criticism, no, I do NOT like to be criticized but it turns out I have other feelings as well about criticism and THAT is what felt great.

In Brene’ Brown’s book Braving the Wilderness she opens up about her own fears and uncertainties. In particular, when her research teaches her that she will “challenge long-held beliefs or ideas” (p.3), she confesses to self-doubt and fear. Her plan of action, an antidote really, for this kind of personal freakout, is to “search for inspiration from the brave innovators and disrupters whose courage feels contagious. I read and watch everything by them or about them that I can get my hands on...I do this so that when I need them, when I’m living in my fera, they come to sit with me and cheer me on.” (p.3) For me, Brene is one of MY go-to peeps for times like these.

So it was GREAT when I received the email while I was studying Braving. Brene has all sorts of amazing vocab and stories to help us figure out how to be brave especially in the midst of criticism. Read her book. It is so good! What I love the most about her work is that she teaches me that brave does NOT equal fearlessness. It doesn’t have to mean we are instantly calm and kind and cool in the face of criticism.

Brave as illustrated by Brown means that we keep plugging away; we learn stuff; we develop strategies that allow us to practice bravery even when we feel like a chicken. She harps, quite eloquently, on this thing called vulnerability and it is working for her. So I will continue to follow her lead.

Along the way, I have a couple phrases of my own that I have incorporated, and tomorrow we will talk about one of them. In the meantime, let me ask you: how do you feel when a stranger criticizes you, your work, and/or your character?

PS. Here’s hoping you totally cannot relate to criticism from strangers!!

Teresa McBean 2/15/18 Teresa McBean 2/15/18

What if I don't feel like it?

If my parents had instructed me to do something and I said, “I don’t feel like it” - their response would have been predictable. Here are a few likely options:

“I didn’t ask you how you felt, I am telling you what to do.”

“I don’t care how you feel, I care that you do as I say.”

“Shut up and get busy.”

Surely the world would be in chaos if everyone ran around only doing what they FEEL like doing. As far as it went, I believe my parental units wanted to instill obedience and the capacity to do hard things in their offspring. There is value here but I’m wondering if additional conversation focusing on the nature of feelings might also be helpful.

Our feelings matter, even the inconvenient ones. On a retreat last year I went rappelling and at the top of the cliff I DID NOT FEEL LIKE STEPPING OFF INTO THE ABYSS. But I was participating with a group of friends and we had committed to do this significantly scary thing together. After the guides suited us up with all manner of straps and protective gear I remember distinctly my friend Kathy turning to me and saying, “I am not going to lie, I am freaking out. This is scary.” And that gave the rest of us permission to agree.

It also gave us the courage to continue.

There are several appropriate responses to the “I don’t feel like its” that come our way. Ignoring our feelings, denying them, repressing them, suppressing them - NONE of those are viable options. Maturity and good life mentoring teach us how to manage the “I don’t feel like its….”

Here are some viable options: name them, own them, figure out the appropriate response to them in a given situation, deal with them, process them, respond rather than react to them - to name a few. I haven’t seen it work well for folks who pretend their way through healing and recovery. For the next few days let’s talk about what works when it comes to being brave and making necessary changes - even when we do not feel like it.

Teresa McBean 2/14/18 Teresa McBean 2/14/18

A Prayer for Wednesday

I prefer to pray without using words. It feels more true to me. It’s my way of surrendering to God, trusting Jesus, listening for the whisper of the Holy Spirit’s guidance.

But...there are days when only words will do. I’ve found comfort and courage in prayer as I reframe and personalize the psalms. Here is a common way I pray the first five verses of Psalm 103…Today, I pray this with you.

Praise the Lord, all our souls;

All our inmost beings, praise his holy name.

Praise the Lord, O our souls,

As we deliberately remember all your benefits

Mindful that you forgive all our sins

And you heal all our diseases, (although I find this confusing when the healing is not on this side of heaven),

Grateful that you redeem our lives from the pit

And you crown us with love and compassion (although sometimes you have to chase us down as we run from you),

You satisfy our desires with good things (even as we confuse good and bad)

All this so that our youth is renewed like the eagle’s….

Oh to have the energy of youth and the wisdom of age, that is our prayer….

Teresa McBean 2/13/18 Teresa McBean 2/13/18

Breathing (and other recommendations)

So what does all this have to do with our own work? Well, quite a lot. Here are a few ways to apply these principles:

We are more than the worst problem we face today; there are small and wonderful ways we can love others, receive love, do good, find joy EVEN as we suffer and struggle with our issues.
We have more relationships than just our troubling ones. We must tend to those loving relationships that bring us joy and give us a way to express joy with as much intention as we give our problem relationships.
It is common, easy even, to resort to obsessive worry, blaming others, distractibility. Breathe.
Take time to explore more than just the presenting issue. It’s easy to notice that we our binge eating has resulted in a failure to fit into skinny jeans. It’s obvious that if we want to get back in shape we will have to deal with the issue of creating a caloric deficit. But WHY are we bingeing? Binge eating is a problem and it is worthy work to deal with it. But what lies underneath the eating will also need to be addressed if sustainable change is one’s desired result.

As you consider your own stage of change, how can you find support to help you clarify your readiness, the primary issue, clarify your core values and implement a plan?