Need for Candor

We have a widower friend, a great big gregarious guy who has always loved people and parties.  Charming and curious, he has been an asset to any community he joined - and he joined A LOT of communities.  When his wife died, it soon became apparent that he had lost a profound intimate connection that soon began to diminish his sociability.  Always the diplomat, he soon became rather dogmatic. A guy known for bringing people together during disagreement stopped picking up on the cues that there was disagreement among the group members.  It appeared as if his listening skills were slipping; I even wondered if his hearing was impaired.

One evening after a particularly awkward meeting, his daughter approached me and shared her concerns.  Her read on the situation is that for decades the ride HOME from an event was more often than not a debrief.  Her mother would ask questions, point out interactions, clarify others’ positions. Before meetings, my friend said her mom would often “coach” her dad.  She would provide valuable reviews of previous meetings, point out potential people problems and often “cast a vision” for what might be accomplished if “someone” were to take a gentle lead on an issue.  In other words, this effective leader was in part effective because he had a wise, attuned, introverted wife who helped him maximize his social consciousness and leadership skills, straighten his tie and make sure his fly was zipped.  This is the work of intimacy.

Her theory made perfect sense.  This is an example of a guy who had a good sense of “self”, paired with a highly effective intimate relationship, and a broad commitment to serving his community.  When he lost the ability to have that one-on-one connection for deepening his own understanding of issues, his social interaction was suffering. Ultimately his daughter found some practical ways to step in and help with the one-on-one time; soon he was better able to function as a community leader.  This is a real life example of how ALL of us need all three venues of love in order to be balanced AND for our communities to remain vibrant.

Living in a Silo

Much is being written these days about how we are all living in isolated bubbles of shared beliefs.  It turns out that social media has compounded the problem by feeding us what we have taught them we are interested in while filtering out stories and information that we no knowledge of.  Yesterday I googled, “used patio furniture”. When I went on facebook that evening to catch up on all those cute baby pictures and puppy videos I had missed during working hours, my facebook feed was loaded with ads for patio furniture.  What happened? I was being fed information that suited my silo.

This is really bad for us in so many different ways.  We start thinking that everyone agrees with us (FYI NOT TRUE!).  We stop hearing different perspectives that might challenge our own way of thinking.  This is extremely dangerous. When people prefer to hang out “with their own kind” we end up with siloed, closed relationship groups  and often lose perspective and decrease our opportunities to grow, learn, and expand our worldview. I understand that the world is moving very fast and it is sometimes tempting to hunker down and stake out a small space that feels comfortable.  But this is exacerbating our problems! We are not learning how to respectfully disagree with one another! We get in the habit of thinking in “us versus them” terms! This is all so very very naughty and not in all keeping with the call of Jesus to love God, self and others.  

When we depend on a few intimate relationships to provide a stamp of approval on our various points of view, we are all in danger of getting off track.  

We lessen this temptation if we maintain a balanced perspective and commit ourselves to taking responsibility for ourselves (take time to wrestle with what we really believe, think, feel and need to do regardless of your group)  and finding social settings where we contribute to the greater good. Any social setting that doesn’t provide us an opportunity to rub shoulders with people who disagree with us on some issues is not a community, it is getting dangerously close to being cult-ish.

It may seem easier to hang out with folks who “get us” but easy really doesn’t cut it for people who want to be part of God’s story.  How have you possibly cut yourself off from perspectives that would be helpful to broadening your understanding, challenged your prejudices and allowed for time to practice your interpersonal skills for loving?

Losing Touch

During the years when my family had an extremely busy social calendar, I had a competing example that helped me not run off into the woods and build a treehouse fort for one or obsessively google small islands for sale at rock bottom prices.  I had a ministry opportunity to serve a woman who was completely isolated - some of it circumstantial, other factors were self-inflicted. Always introverted, no one would have ever accused her of being the life of any party. But after months of isolation her social skills were pretty rusty, making social interactions even more difficult.  I served on a visitation committee and in that role I would visit her once a month. After doing this for a couple months, I began to dread the visits. WHY I did so became apparent one rainy spring day when I showed up with soup for a visit.

She talked incessantly for 40 minutes, which I attributed to her isolation and loneliness. I was startled when she said, “I have a bone to pick with you. I find you very difficult to have lunch with.  You never share anything personal about yourself. I share all this personal information about me but you never return my overture to connect.”

In the moment the only thing I could think about was how she NEVER STOPPED TALKING-how could I get a word in? I never figured it out in real time. She left the church soon thereafter when the church was not willing to pay her utility bill every month. Today, I think I understand that the problem was not her incessant talking, her demands for financial support or even my unwillingness to share my most intimate thoughts.  The real issue was confusion over the appropriate love arena we operated within. One of the prickly issues in this scenario is that this woman was acting as if we were intimate friends (I want to know everything about you) and the church was in an intimate relationship with her (pay my bills). From my perspective and I think the church’s, this was a ministerial visit within the context of community. We were willing to be community, but it was beyond healthy boundaries to take on the role of intimate relationship with her, either individually or as a church body.  When we do not appropriately match up our needs and wants within the appropriate context for addressing them, we have issues. Can you relate?

As you love yourself

We raised our children in a large church; much of it we dearly loved. We were very involved.  We rarely missed a Sunday - morning or evening. We had meetings every Wednesday night. Committees were often Tuesday and/or Thursday evenings.  It was in some ways a gruelling schedule; a fact I never realized at the time because all my friends were doing it too. In those days I daydreamed about finding an island where I could practice my spiritual disciplines in peace and quiet.  Over time, I realized that I was taking an extreme position. Instead of taking responsibility for my schedule, I was looking for a way to escape.

If we spend to much time devoting ourselves to our  intimate and/or our community relationships without taking time to stay in touch and relationship with ourselves we are going to find ourselves acting out in the other two love arenas and losing touch with ourselves.  

Not understanding this, I often lamented our packed church calendar and our children’s busy social and sports obligations.  Honestly, it never occurred to me that as the parent I was responsible for setting the pace of our household. I suspect that this is because I was also unaware of my responsibility to monitor my own personal calendar.  

Too busy?  Aren’t we all?  No, actually, everyone is not.  Folks who understand the value and accept the responsibility of practicing good self-care are not too busy.  They balance their relational and social obligations along with what they learn they need to stay healthy as an individual.  

Today, I am unapologetically not too busy, even though I have a full calendar.  That is because my calendar includes regular time for self-care. Exercise. Quiet time.  Prayer and meditation. Therapy. Is my schedule ideal? No, but I am making progress. How about you?  What do you require, what are your daily practices that help you stay awake, aware and reasonably happy with yourself?

Socialization

If we think about the three arenas of love - self/intimate connections/community - most of us have a preferred arena.  I have friends who are introverted and they can happily live for prolonged periods of time in solitude. I have other friends who get antsy with too much alone time and feel like a fish in the perfect pond hanging out with a group.  I have friends who operate within a small, pretty closed off group of intimates and they are content with that arrangement.

However - there are drawbacks to hanging ONLY in our preferred arena.  What is your preferred area? Would you like to live on an island built for one?  Does it sound like heaven to have a compound where only your most treasured companions live in relative isolation from the rest of the mad, mad world?  Or are you one of those gregarious sorts who never met a group you didn’t want to join?

Another issue is related to understanding which arenas are best suited for addressing the needs and wants of individuals and communities.  

Tomorrow we will continue to talk about the problems that arise when we do not have a healthy balance of interaction in all three arenas or when we go to the wrong arena to address a love need.