A Prayer for Wednesday

Lord, Your people asked you how they had behaved contemptuously toward you and you told them!  With fear and trembling, we ask you to show us our own stubborn resistance to living life as you would have us.  But God, please be gentle with us for we are fragile at times. Thank you for your patience with us.

Amen

Crucial Conversations Can Inspire Change

After our initial conversation (see yesterday’s blog post), this mom decided she needed more time to process.  We met two other times to talk. More time allowed her to share with me why she was more ok with her multiple-times-a-day pot smoking than she was with her son’s similar pattern of use.  

Since she wasn’t asking for my opinion, I did a totally weird thing and didn’t give it.  Later she told me that just listening to herself talk actually helped her change her own opinion on the subject.

By the end of our meetings she had a plan.  I suppose there were many ways all of this could have gone down, but here is what happened:

1. She decided she had a problem herself.

2. She didn’t feel equipped to talk to her son with integrity until she got some help for herself.

3. She got help and began tapering down.  Her current goal is to be clean in 90 days.

4. She came clean with her son about her situation and acknowledged that she was initially only focused on “his” issue.  

5. He is currently unwilling to change his dosing.

6. She is ok with having her own experience and believes that she will be able to circle back around and have further conversations in the days ahead.

I love this so very much.  It isn’t a neat and tidy story with an ideal ending.  But it is a story of mutual respect, no condemnation, and full of possibility of change.  These are not the kinds of conversations any of us can have if we are unconsciously contemptuous.  

Can you consider how you might have two “projects” going simultaneously?  One project is the continued work of self-examination; the second is the wisdom work of speaking up when it is ours to do and there is a problem at hand.

The Hypocrisy of Hypocrisy

Honestly, I think sometimes I make excuses to not deal with pressing issues at hand for fear that  someone will remind me of our own defects of character OR I am obsessing over them and unable to stay in the present. This is worth noting for two reasons:  1. It probably means we are not using our tools to actually make peace with our defects of character and deal with them appropriately AND 2. We are missing out on some very valuable crucial conversations.

Recently a mom came in to talk to me about her son’s pot usage.  She wanted him to slow his roll and cut back.

I asked a simple follow up question:  “What was his response to your request?”

“I haven’t said a word!” She responds with vehemence.  “I cannot actually talk to him!!”

“Why not?” I ask.

“Weeelllllll, he knows I smoke too.  I would feel like a hypocrite.”

“Do you smoke as often per day as he does?”

“Yes, but he doesn’t know that!!”  She answers. (Hmmmm…Interesting…..)

The OBVIOUS issue here if we are going to get all judgy is that she is actually being a hypocrite.  But I think that misses the point. My work isn’t to point out the obvious but to instead support whatever work this mom is willing to do to work towards becoming a more healthy family.

If I can pause in my own tendency to judge, I can better see her problem from her perspective.  Actually, I see her problems.  But I also see a way through the weeds (pun intended).  She thinks he is using too much and she wants to address that issue.  She is stymied in taking action for obvious reasons. We kept talking about why asking him to moderate his use seems crucial to her and she remained convinced that this was important.  From that perspective I was able to offer some suggestions:

She could level with her son and see how he responds.  She could express her concern about his dosage and present her perspective without demanding he change.  She could even be vulnerable enough to be honest about her own usage and talk about her ambivalence about changing her own dosage.  Maybe she decides to first slow her own roll and see what she learns. Maybe invite him to join her in changing.

There are many options here to support this one principle:  if it is the right thing to do and you believe it is yours to do, do it even if  you do not have your own act together.  To be effective, we may have to also address our own issues.  But the point for today is this: do not let fear of being confronted with your own issues keep you from doing a right thing.  Humility is a beautiful thing. Want to hear what came of this family?

To be continued...

Cautious Courage

I previously called out my own contemptuous behavior (judging someone’s drink order) as is only fair.  But that was not the only concern of the day. Another core value I have relates to verbal abuse toward other more vulnerable individuals.  If someone who cannot speak up for themselves is being harangued, I believe this: when you see it, say something. This young barista was not in a position to call out the customer.  She has no doubt been trained to remain calm and polite. But I am not the barista. I can remain calm and speak up. Politely. I do not make apology for my attempt to interrupt his treatment of a young woman working hard to make my morning caffeinated.

We humans are complicated and our scattered internal processing often competes for our attention. I was initially distracted by my own inventory taking (necessary and good work to do).  I am keenly aware that I am not able to perfectly execute my own principles in thought, feelings and action. But we can all have this going for us: we can notice when we are thinking thoughts, having feelings, taking actions that are incongruent with our core values, and acknowledge the problem.  Consider this a given.

But I have a second point:  Our problem in one area does not excuse us from acting courageously in another area. Those are two separate issues.  In other words, I can never be so afraid of my own imperfections as to use them as an excuse to collapse in upon myself and give up.  

I can notice my judgy attitude about the guy with the complicated drink order and know that I have a process for dealing with that in the future AND actually do so.  I can also stay present in the moment and not get so caught up in the concept of contempt that I fail to notice that this dude is actually behaving abusively toward a young, vulnerable, female.  

Do you ever get so distracted by your thoughts and ruminations that you are unable to appropriately attend to the present moment?  If so, it really helps to have a process (like the 12-steps) and a tribe to report back to that you have confidence in. That way, when we see something we want to work through personally, we can take note of it and address it later.  

Contempt for God

“A son honors his father, and a slave his master. If I am a father, where is the honor due me? If I am a master, where is the respect due me?” says the Lord Almighty.  “It is you priests who show contempt for my name. But you ask, ‘How have we shown contempt for your name?’ “

Malachi 1:6 NIV

Read the book of Malachi and it will soon become apparent that God answers the above question for his people.  He gives example upon example of the contemptuous way they have behaved. Attacking others with the intention of insulting or abusing them was one of those issues and God says it has tremendous spiritual implications.  I suppose that is why it is important when we notice that we are doing so - whether in thought, word, or deed, we need to pay attention and take it seriously if this is our faith perspective. That dude is right, even though I hate to admit it, contemptuous behavior is common today.  It would be easy for us to minimize our own as we find someone else who has done something much worse in comparison. But this is not our model for comparison, is it? Today, notice if you are contemptuous of anyone. Unless, of course, you do not believe that this is a necessary core value.  If that’s the case - carry on.

Tomorrow, we will start a discussion on why this matters and what we do differently.