What to do with Contempt: Part I

From yesterday:  So, we must ask, does our contempt serve us well moving forward?  Will it allow us any kind of quality of life?

I humbly suggest it does not and will not serve us well.

What do we do with our contempt, then?  What is the alternative and how do we find it?  

As I said, we must start with processing and learning to cope with the various causes of our contempt.  I’d suggest we spend time with a skilled therapist and, perhaps, a trusted spiritual advisor. Other options would include finding an issue-specific support group.  This recommendation sounds simple and obvious, but becoming willing to do this, and then follow through, is something few people do. Making a conscious choice to confront our wounds proves a major hurdle and most people are unwilling to do it.  

Confronting the wound is our way of fighting back.  It’s our attempt not to be defined by the worst things that have happened to us.  It’s an effort to trust that life can have meaning in the midst of a darkness that feels so profoundly meaningless.  

Of course, we’re trusting God to guide us in this process.

Life isn't fair, but knowing that doesn't help

From yesterday:  When we become bogged down or defined by our contempt we’re suggesting that we believe fairness was, at some point, a possibility.  We’re believing a very tempting lie. When we become defined by our contempt (that life has not been fair) then we’re not living in reality.

The solution is not so simple as just becoming mentally stronger or more stoic or through having more self-will or some such thing as this.  And, I’m not suggesting that it is easy to cope with the curve balls life has thrown. It can be, and often is, truly devastating. We need to sit with that disappointment, it does us no good to say, “We should have known better.”  

Understanding life’s unfairness is not the same thing as suggesting it does not matter or that we should suck it up.  It must be dealt with. That can take a long time. Hell, it can take a lifetime.

I do not know if there is such a thing as a “solution”- but I do have a thought.  We need to consider the fact that we still have a life ahead of us- even if we feel horribly broken and ill-equipped to face it.  

Because we have a life ahead of us, we should consider whether or not we have any influence over what it looks like.  Granted, there are always things we can control and things we can’t control. Life sometimes continues to throw curve balls while we desperately hope for a change-up to give us a bit of a break.  

So, we must ask, does our contempt serve us well moving forward?  Will it allow us any kind of quality of life?

I humbly suggest it does not and will not serve us well.  The question is, what do we do about it?

More tomorrow.

Contempt and Acceptance

Contempt is closely related to our inability to accept life as it is.  We become contemptuous when we believe someone should not have harmed us in the way that they did (or perhaps not harmed us at all).  It’s the product of believing life has somehow screwed us, or handed us a raw deal.

To be clear- life does sometimes screw us, and I know plenty of people who have gotten a raw deal.  The problem is, we know life is not fair. I can’t think of a single person I know who would disagree.  If life is not fair, then we should not expect life to treat us fairly. When we become bogged down or defined by our contempt we’re suggesting that we believe fairness was, at some point, a possibility.  We’re believing a very tempting lie. When we become defined by our contempt (that life has not been fair) then we’re not living in reality.

More on this tomorrow.

A Prayer for Wednesday

Father, Give us a heart for earnest seeking.  Help us appreciate the value of unconditional love and the real risk associated with knowing that all our relationships are appropriately conditional.  Grant us the discernment to wisely understand that we can ruin relationships if we stubbornly resist change. Guide us as we navigate our own struggles with people who have betrayed us and for whom we have lost trust.  And in all these things pour your grace and mercy upon us for we are weak and without you we are hopeless.

Amen

Fear of Conflict

I hate conflict.  I don’t mind standing up against injustice on behalf of someone else but I hate hate hate conflict in my relationships.  One way I used to try to avoid conflict without actually resolving anything was to practice stonewalling. Stonewalling is when we avoid conflict while communicating disapproval, distance and separation by withdrawing from a relationship.  Some call it giving someone the “cold shoulder”. It’s fighting dirty because you do not give resolution a chance.

It’s also a bit cowardly.  If called out on it, we can always tell the person that they are crazy (which is called gaslighting by the way) and that we are not withdrawn, just tired or stressed out.  If we really work at this we can blame a whole bunch of people with an elaborate story that hides the truth of our own culpability - we are scared of conflict but we still want our pound of flesh.

Surprisingly, I did not learn how to reduce my stonewalling ways by learning how to fight more efficiently.  Instead, I’ve learned how to practice what Dr. John Gottman calls “physiological self-soothing.”

Here’s how it works.  When Pete brings up a touchy subject that we are having conflict over I immediately experience a visceral desire to run away and pout.  Instead of doing so, I try to tell the truth to myself. Ugh oh, Teresa, here you go again - you are considering stonewalling. If I can remember this and not react by doing this thing I instinctively want to do I can choose to do something different.  It looks like this:

“Hey, I hate this about me (acknowledge my feelings) but I really want to withdraw from you and this discussion (tell the truth).  I need your help (express my need rather than blame him in some way). I need to take a break from this discussion and do something that will help me calm down.  I am going to go distract myself with a nice, long walk. Can we reconvene this conversation in a couple hours?” This is an example of physiological self-soothing.  Walks work for me.

I cannot count the number of times I have left the house to walk and think about how my husband is a silly goose only to return with gratitude and appreciation for his perspective.  Stonewalling is not helpful but it is indicative that we are freaking out and under stress. Our work, our responsibility, our skill set to develop in situations like this? Physiological self-soothing.  Workout. Do a puzzle. Water your plants. Vacuum. Take a drive. Ride your bike. Go sit on a rock in the James river and thank God you live in such a cool place! It’s a great skill set and it can be done at anytime for no charge!  Try it!

P.S.  According to Gottman, you need at least twenty minutes to reset.  I require an hour!