On Being Stuck

Today I had lunch with a woman who asked the most heartbreaking, utterly sincere question:  “Why am I stuck?”

I probed, asking what she meant by “stuck” and she pretty much meant what it sounds like.  In spite of years and years of earnestly seeking answers and possessing the uncanny ability to criticize herself mercilessly, she continues to make choices that her intellect disagrees with on a regular basis.

I can relate.  How about you?

Lunch with her was like eating with a tape recorder stuck on “play fast”.  She reeled off stories and incidents and insults and abuses from her past that sounded like well-rehearsed lines rather than a vulnerable conversation.

Eventually I had to ask her to just sit in stillness for a minute.  She couldn’t do it.  I asked her a question.  She couldn’t answer it. The best she could manage was to pause for a second, grab a deep breath and continue with her story.  

I can relate.  How about you?

We were not connecting.  She was not present.  Her eyes were not tracking with mine.  It was like she was reading out of a well-worn book that she never enjoyed.  She is stuck in the story she has been telling herself for ages. 

How about you?  Do you have any stories that you tell and retell about things that you did, were done to you, past offenses and so on?  If these stories do not change, or if the details just get exacerbated in the retelling, this might be contributing to your sense of stuck.

Finally, I interrupted AGAIN and asked a ANOTHER question:  how long has it been since these stories have provided you with insights that helped you change your own thinking, feeling and doing?

She was flummoxed.   But she is also a woman who grew up in a very sick family and she is stuck in a very familiar, particular way.  We’re going to explore this particularity for a while - see if you recognize yourself in any of the descriptions.

Take care of yourself

I gaze at my grandchildren and desperately wish I could provide them the perfect cover and protection for a life without trials and tribulations.  This is my sincere desire even though I understand that this will not happen and even if I could manage to muster up such a massive amount of control and domination against living life on life’s terms it would be terrible for them.  They would grow up weak and not well.

Still, I dare to dream.

Fortunately for them I am obsessed with this study of trauma, conflict and resiliency.  I’ve learned that the elimination of conflict is not only impossible it is bad for our health.  What is GOOD for us is the capacity to take care of self and others.

Here is a suggested list of how we manage that:  diet, exercise, fiscal responsibility, wellness check-ups, asking for help, and commitment to taking care of others when they cannot care for themselves.  Volunteers build resiliency even as they serve others.

So take care my friend!  Let’s be good to one another!

Humor and Resiliency?

Yesterday I claimed that resilient people have a funny bone and I shared a joke as illustration, one that Pete’s grandmother loved.   If you didn’t read the blog yesterday, you might want to. If not, this post won’t make much sense.

When my husband’s grandmother died, his mother was in the hospital.  He knew he had to go up to her hospital room and tell her of her mother’s passing.  He did not feel up to the task.

As we walked through the long corridors at St. Mary’s Hospital he stewed over how he would break the news.  His anxiety was through the roof. He felt the weight of handling this situation well.

Nothing I said seemed to help, in fact, I think I was making matters worth with my endless suggestions.  Until I had a thought.

“Ok, I’ve got something, I think this will work.”  He looked skeptical but agreed to hear me out.

“Tell your mom that Gram is on the roof and she won’t come down.”

I am not naturally a funny person; I am far more likely to make someone cry then laugh.  But Pete stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me. He allowed the line to sink in and he realized that I was quoting one of his grandmother’s old and oft repeated jokes.  And he completely lost it. We started laughing and could NOT stop.

Neither one of us can remember how we handled the situation with his mom.  But both of us have relied heavily on that shared moment when we were able to unite and laugh together before we had to do a really, really hard thing.

Are you laughing enough?  Do you have people you can share a laugh with in good and bad times?

A Joke...because why not?

Resilient people have a funny bone; here is a test of yours.

Cat On The Roof

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week.  When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up.  The brother hesitated, then said, I’m so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died.”

The man was very upset and yelled, “You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that.  When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn’t come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up.  Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.”

The brother thought about that and saw his point.  He apologized.

“So how’s Mom?” asked the man who had been on vacation.

Another pause.

“She’s on the roof and won’t come down.”  

Funny?  Well, whether you think so or not, Pete’s grandmother LOVED it.  Tomorrow, I will tell you why it matters. But for today - keep in mind that having a sense of humor is good for you!

See the Big Picture

Do you struggle with getting caught up in the weeds and details of life?  I certainly do. That’s not good for us. It turns out that “big picture people” are not only resilient but optimistic about life too!  What is the difference between a big picture person and a person who is great with the details? Well, for one thing, the detailed people make sure we have maps and bottled water and a first aid kit when we go camping.  So let’s celebrate the details! Big picture people also are helpful, if not quite as tangibly helpful in terms of gathering supplies.

A big picture person sees both good and bad events that occur in their life as temporary rather than permanent.  Nothing is FOREVER good or FOREVER bad. This is why they rarely use words like “disaster” to describe the normal upheavals of life.  They refrain from putting too much stock in the big wins of life because they understand that this too shall pass. BPP are less likely to live in the highs and lows of emotional reaction to current events.

BPP are also able to see events having a specific impact on certain areas of their life rather than having a pervasive impact on their entire life or their future.  When my mom passed away, I felt her devastating loss. But my grandson was born at the exact same time and this forced me to think big picture. One life was going and another was coming and although it was all an emotional roller coaster, it certainly provided perspective.  

As my mom was dying, I asked my husband, “Will I ever feel joy again?”  He didn’t answer but life responded with this little bundle of pure joy that reminded me that life was a grand both/and, not an either/or.  I understood that two extreme experiences could happen simultaneously and this reminded me that life was not ever defined by one event.

Finally, BPP do not play the blame game because they are more likely to be looking for meaning and purpose in events rather than people to prosecute.  This has the added benefit of allowing BPP to learn from events (accountability) without the emotional trauma of blaming (self or others).

Be a BPP!  How could you develop that skill in the days ahead?