Knowing your place

I am not sure how it happened but my friend Linda agrees with me on this so it must be true:  we have often messed up a relationship because we did not know our place in the grand scheme of things.  We have given ourselves way too much permission to talk!

Here’s the deal: if we want to have the privilege of being able to speak into the life of the people we love and also have intimate connection, we pretty much have to build up to that status.  This capacity to give and receive feedback is VITAL to maturity.  It is a treasure to have a few people we can go to and tell everything we’re up against and ask for feedback.  As giver or receiver of feedback, both positions are a gift.

People who develop the capacity to embrace life and experience reasonable peace are those who can tell themselves the truth about their relationships.  They neither demonize nor idealize their family members, friendships and even enemies.

Knowing our place with respect to how others teach us they feel about us is crucial.  People who love us treat us in a loving manner.  People who care about us do not hurt us.  People who are safe and trustworthy are respectful even in disagreement.  People who can help us are those who have taught us that they do not hold us in contempt; they respect our boundaries; they treat us with dignity.

And of course - the reverse is true too.  Others are learning about the value we place on them by the way we treat them.  If we do not know how to love in an appropriately boundaried, respectful and dignified manner, we will not be the best candidate for intimacy.

Do you know your place?

Blessings and Curses

When I was a baby Christian I thought that maturity would look like almost anything other than my daily living experience up to that point.  Am I alone?  I don’t think so.  

Recently I sat with a person who wanted to meet with me (at his therapist’s suggestion) to talk about why he had dropped out of church.  I felt such a connection to his experience and mused at the wildly different conclusions we came to as a result of our early life encounters with God’s people.  He has chosen to reject all things spiritual; I ended up a pastor!

Our shared issue was one of misguided expectations.  I am not sure that anyone told me that the life of believer was supposed to have the same effects as a lobotomy, but I sure thought it.  I believed that faithful people, even me, would learn how to do the right things and much like winning at a slot machine - eureka! - blessings would flow.

What would be the opposite of blessings?  Curses.

What did I think curses looked like?  Conflict.  Broken relationships.  Kids with “issues.”  Marital strife.  Financial struggles.  Disappointments.  Losing.  Betrayal.

In other words - life.  All the things I had on my mostly unconscious but detailed list of things God would protect me and mine from are, in reality, things that happen in life - with or without conscious contact with a power greater than ourselves.

One issue that was a chronic problem for me related to my expectations about life.  Honestly, today they seem more like fantasies.  I expected Pete and I to never disagree.  I believed that if I behaved, God wouldn’t smite me.  The problem is that I categorized unpleasantness as smiting when in truth, it was just life doing what it does.  My expectations had the potential to rob me of the gifts that a spiritual life can provide.

With all those crazy thoughts how in the HECK did I end up a pastor?  That’s a long story, but an essential element of it was that I figured out that I was looking at things all wrong.  I’ll be focusing on issues that have been particular stumbling blocks for me as I tried to figure out how to be a person of faith in the hopes that something might be helpful to someone in the process.  Bottom line:  we must be constantly willing to evaluate our spiritual beliefs and assumptions about how we will experience life as a faithful person.

Build each other up

So continue encouraging each other and building each other up, just like you are doing already.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 CEB

Recently a mom and dad came to me in the hopes that I could help them figure out what to do.  I couldn’t figure it out.  I had a few ideas, offered a couple of options.  But honestly, I didn’t know.

What I did know was that I could encourage them.  For real, not just patronize them with platitudes or false confidence.  Certainty is not all it is cracked up to be, because it isn’t real.  Nothing is certain.  There is no one right way.  

Here are a few ways that I find encouraging:

* I am encouraged when someone is willing to listen to my endless need to verbally process.  I can tell the difference between someone listening and being humored - I bet you can too.  Not everyone is equipped for such hard work as presence, active listening and such.  It’s ok.  We all bring different gifts to relationships.  
* I am encouraged when I witness joy and curiosity and playfulness in others.  This is not my strong suit and when I am able to see how it is done, it provides me a good example to follow.
* I am encouraged when I am on a team that cooperates, appreciates, respects and laughs together.  I love working and playing with people who sincerely love one another.  In our community, we are exceedingly blessed to have a lot of love among us.
* I am encouraged when I get a good night’s sleep.
* I am encouraged when I have time in nature.
* I am encouraged by the resilience and courage and hope I see in families who work recovery.
* I am encouraged by people who hold fast to faith in a world where having faith is no longer cool.

What encourages you?

Encourage who you can

Even the most resilient person can fail to thrive without necessary support and encouragement.  We were working late last night when a young adult showed up in a desperate state.
He immediately began to tell us how he had ruined his life; it was all his fault; he needed help but could totally understand why no one would help him.

Scott replied, “I think it is a bit more complicated than that.”  He provided resources appropriate to the situation as we understood it.  As always, it felt too little for so much need.  
This person wasn’t able to hear much.  He wasn’t really comfortable in our presence.  But there was no way we were going to let him leave without a bit of encouragement.

Maybe this simple sentence feels like it offers little in the way of comfort.  But what we discover over and over again is that suffering people are rarely able to receive much more than a small dose, the tiniest hint of feedback that just because a person has done a lot of naughty things, it doesn’t mean that they are people who do not deserve dignity and respect.
We are not as resilient as we once were as a culture.  Our infighting and name calling and judging and blaming and shaming of one another has become a cultural norm.  This must stop.  This is killing us all.  

How can you encourage others today?  Even people you disagree with at every turn - how can you put more encouragement into the world?

Know when to rest

Highly resilient people are not necessarily hard charging, extroverted type A kind of people.  In fact, the capacity to rest, process distressing situations and learn from mistakes (if any) means that resilient people know when to take a break.  And they do so.

Another healthy habit is developing the skill set of being present in the moment with one eye on the future.  After one takes stock of the past, makes notes and plans and develops practices that take into account past failures and upsets, resilient folks learn how to let go, get back to living life on life’s terms, stop ruminating and obsession and reject bitterness or despair as appropriate responses.

So breathe.  But don’t vegetate.

How are you doing with these skills?