Become a safe person

Safety in relationships sounds like something that occurs between two people.  Logically, it would make sense that the way we find safe relationships is to make sure we vet who we hang out with - and certainly that is an element of the process.

But safety is created as much by what we do on our own time than what happens in the real time of conflict.  I have a deep-seated fear of conflict because I experienced conflict in my family system as such a risky proposition.  I could go into endless details about this, but suffice it to say:  we as a family did not manage our conflict well.

When I got married, I had neither the skills nor the courage to fight with my husband - whether it was a fair fight or otherwise.  This is not good.  Conflict is inevitable and it is healthy if done skillfully.  When we were younger we often ended up making decisions that neither of us was happy with because we were so busy trying to guess and give the other person what they wanted!  

Today we have more conflict than ever - I think we are playing a game of catch up.  But this is also a gift.  It means that we have both realized the value of honesty with each other.  We capitulate less and actually resolve issues more.  This is all good.

I cannot speak to what this required of Pete but for me, I had to grow out of my old ways of being and into new ways of seeing.  It helps that we have been married 40 years and he’s never once left me.  It helps that we have never had an argument in which either of us threatened divorce or dismemberment.  But what has really, really helped is me taking responsibility for me.

I have learned that I owe it to my grown up self to have preferences and state them in real time rather than asking Pete to read my mind.  I have learned that conflict well managed in the present increases the chance that both of us “win” at getting what we want.  

I am trying, and it is really hard, to take responsibility for myself.  My thoughts, feelings and actions are my own.  I have no one else to blame nor do I have to defer credit to others when I do something worthwhile.  I am trying to figure out how to stand on my own two feet with my arms wrapped around all those I love.  This is a dance of balance and it is not easy.  But the old way was much harder. 

Are there any ways that you need to learn how to take more responsibility for yourself?

Self-evaluation

Anyone ever swore to themselves that when they grew up they would not be “like them”?  How are you doing with that promise to yourself?

Sometimes we are unconscious of how much we imitate early role models for relationships.  Sarcasm.  Passive-aggressive comments. Abuse in various forms.  These various forms of disrespect may be carried over into our own lives without us noticing.

Suppose we grow up in a family with a history of physical abuse.  We vow to never, ever perpetuate that cycle onto our children.  We follow through.  We imagine that our children are so grateful that we didn’t beat them with a stick or withhold food as punishment.

But what if we tend to shame them with demands for better performance?  What if we are withdrawn and not available for them on a daily basis?  What if we are so needy and insecure that we ask them to think more about our own emotional nurturance than we ever think about theirs?

From our lens, we have improved the model; from their frame of reference, they are still not getting what they need to thrive.

Self-evaluation is tricky; let’s seek help by getting feedback from others (particularly folks who have some wisdom and distance from our family system so they can be both detached and objective).

Self-protection and self-respect

Some folks are in inherently unsafe relationships.  In particular, those in a close relationship with someone who demonstrates narcissistic traits.  This is a great trial because, to one degree or another, a person who is narcissistic is not able to care, nor particularly interested in, your position on anything.

In relationships like this, we have to consider all our options, including detachment and creating distance in the relationship if it becomes destructive for us.  If you are in a relationship like that and are working hard to maintain it for various reasons, then here is a piece of advice for you (and all of us really).

Our day-to-day work, a spiritual discipline really, includes identifying and valuing our own core values so that we can both own them and apply them under the pressure of conflict.  I know how hard this is to do particularly if you discover that you are in relationship with someone who is skilled at gaslighting and is doing so to you.  Again, evaluate and re-evaluate your options for moving to a safer relational distance.

But while we figure all that out, seek to practice your own core values so that you do not add your own personal disappointments in yourself into the mix.  It is sad but true that many of us are in relationships with people who are so insecure that they try to elevate themselves by stepping on our necks to keep us down.  If this is happening to you - get counseling to help you sort this out!!

But also be mindful that if a core value of yours is respecting humans, then you owe it to yourself to make sure you do not allow another person to treat you with disrespect AND do your best to act respectfully to others.  

In an abusive relationship (get evaluated you might be in one and not recognize it), the most respectful thing you can do is make sure you keep yourself safe!

Safe Conflict

How can we use conflict to build intimacy and resolve issues?  Skillfully!  For the next few posts, I’m going to mention a few for your consideration.

Safety is a “thing” and it is always at risk.

In other words, there are all sorts of ways conversations, particularly conflictual ones can go sideways.  The most likely first step in a conversation going wrong is when a feeling of safety in the midst of the discussion is lost by any of the participating parties.  This benefits no one - unless of course, someone is interested in keeping the conflict pot stirred.

Safety is an issue for all parties but individuals experience safety violations differently.  My husband isn’t a big fan of conflict but he sees nothing wrong with yelling at referees on television.  Raised voices of any kind, even the kind that is deluded enough to think that the referees can hear him and care about his opinion, make me nervous.  Over the years he has learned to tone down his sports passion as a way to respect and demonstrate his love for me.

Have you noticed that people in your life seem to have issues around feeling safe in conversations that are hard for you to understand?  Try anyway.  What about you?  Are there any safety issues for you that you might need to explain to people you love so that they can be more supportive?  Try to be transparent and see what happens.

Inside-Out

Ever watch the movie Inside Out?  It is so good!  I particularly love how the movie beautifully illustrates the concept of “getting triggered”.  We get triggered when someone or something “triggers” an old insecurity, emotion, fear or what have you.  Once triggered we often over-react to the triggering stimuli AS IF it were connected to the old memory.  This usually results in whoever we are in the experience with getting very confused (or worse) by our reaction.  

It can really complicate conflict resolution.  I listened as a couple described a repetitive triggering event in their marriage.  Everyone was A-OK with the idea that the issue was not the issue.  But when the husband “triggered” the wife, her response was so over the top that he was starting to get twitchy.  He was backing up rather than leaning into the relationship.

She felt judged by his response.  Until the day he said this, “I feel like I keep getting beat up for the ghosts of your past and I have decided that it is not just hurtful but destructive and unfair.”  Ghosts.  The image worked for her.  She was living in a dream and fighting against shadowy ghosts but hitting her flesh and blood beloved in the process.  

To work through this both spouses had to take responsibility for their side of the street.  It was hard but they found some fun ways to hold each accountable for reactions that were making the situation more difficult than necessary.  It took a while but today she has coping strategies in place to manage her triggered moments and he has new skills in place for addressing times when his wife trips over one of those traumatic memory wires.  

Whatever side of the equation we are on - triggered or triggering - we can work on improving our response!