"Why are you angry?"

Yesterday I asked (without answering) a question:  why did God accept Abel’s offering but not Cain’s?

In the book of Hebrews, Paul shares his perspective:  

By an act of faith, Abel brought a better sacrifice to God than Cain. It was what he believed, not what he brought, that made the difference. That’s what God noticed and approved as righteous. After all these centuries, that belief continues to catch our notice.

~ Hebrews 11:4 The Message

Again, the acceptance had NOTHING to do with the kind of offering given, but instead with the motivation of the heart of the giver.  Cain was confused about God’s rejection but was unwilling to humbly ask for feedback from God.

What if Cain had gotten curious?  What if he had asked a follow up question?  If he had done that, God surely would have told him that his issue was heart-related, not simply an aversion to carrots and potatoes.

At that moment, Cain could have considered God’s perspective.  At a minimum, he would have had no reason to kill Abel.  It was NOT a competition. 

Now that we’ve cleared up the issue with God’s approval and disapproval, tomorrow we will look at God’s response and advice to Cain in spite of Cain’s reluctance to hear another viewpoint.

Is there any chance that some of your own resentment/s is/are more a misunderstanding of the situation than an actual slight?  Are there new ways of seeing that might keep you from doing harm to yourself or others as a result of your skewed perspective?

Murderous Resentment

Cain and Abel are biblical examples of resentment gone wild.  As a reminder, because I myself cannot keep the two brothers straight, Abel brought an offering to God as did Cain.  But they received different responses from God as it related to each offering.  

God was pleased with Abel’s offering; he was not pleased with Cain’s.  

Cain was not at all curious about why his offering was rejected.  Was it because God is at heart a carnivore, more pleased with Abel’s meaty offering than he was with Cain’s garden goodies?  Unlikely.  

Instead of talking to God about the situation, which would have made sense seeing as how it was God who rejected the offering, Cain lashed out and murdered his brother Abel.  

Cain’s bitter resentment resulted in him killing his brother, who by all accounts had done nothing wrong and in fact, had done a lovely thing - given an acceptable offering to God.  

This is one of many problems with resentment.  It is often mis-directed.  Abel got caught in the cross-fire of Cain’s bitter indignation with God.

Are there any resentments that you are struggling with that have gotten misdirected?  Anyone you are picking on?  Are you blaming someone else for a problem that is really between you and another?

Learning to interpret other people

Earlier this year I attended a conference.  The location was lovely and the layout was definitely attender friendly.  As is my practice, I try to move from table to table and meet new people during the course of the event.  I do not prefer this, but I practice this because I think it is a resilient, healthy way to learn at a multi-day event.  I find that sometimes I learn as much from my seat mates as I do from the conference leaders.  

On day two I moved to a new table and one of the ladies at the table took some actions that filled me and my traveling companion (I like sitting with my friend.) instantly with bitter indignation, i.e., resentment.  The upshot was I ended up with no space on the table in front of me, had to back my seat up, crane around her to see, and perch my notebook precariously on my knees to write the copious notes I am habitually wired to take. My friend’s seat was unceremoniously moved and she squeezed in with her back to the speaker. We felt unwelcome.  I thought she was trying to get rid of me and soon realized my friend felt likewise.  I wondered if this gal had friends she preferred to sit with and maybe we were interfering with her plans for hanging with people she knew and enjoyed.

I did not initially recognize resentment as my issue because I was so busy ruminating over all the ways this lady was a poor representation of the work she was there to learn about (she was rude and ungracious).  After the morning break, we changed tables.  Which, come to think about it, I could have actually done as soon as I noticed how uncomfortable I was going to be at this lady’s table.

Instead of getting curious I was cranky.  I took it personally.  I observed her do this to every single person who sat next to her for the remainder of the event.  I eventually came to recognize that this is how she sets herself up to receive information.  Unaware?  Yes.  Intentionally rude?  Ehhh, I dunno.

I recognized in myself something that I hope to change in the future.  I realized that my own lack of self-awareness and my willingness to blame others for my level of comfort - rather than taking responsibility for myself - repressed my creative problem solving capacity.  Sheesh, I could have just moved!!  

I missed out on a morning of lovely table mates and lively conversation - something I found at all the other tables I visited.  I lost out not because of her actions but my own inaction.

Resentment is a distraction.  No wonder resilient people don’t hang onto it for long!

Resentment and Curiosity

How would a person who has the skills to deal with strong emotions (a resiliency builder) approach resentment?  Here is one suggested way to approach it:

1.  Notice it.  Pay attention to your bitter indignation!
2. Get curious about it.  Although we may often FEEL as if we have been treated unfairly, it does not make it necessarily true.  People who learn how to wrestle with their feelings in a healthy manner do not assume that a feeling is a fact.  Curiosity teaches us to acknowledge that “feelings” are the body giving us a summarized experience of how we are reacting to an event.  Our “emotions” are the brain’s attempt to predict how we feel based on past experience.  If we have a history of unfair treatment, our brain is more likely to “feel” bitter indignation.  Sometimes that is experience talking and it is telling us the truth - so pay attention.   But it can also be true that we are merely projecting past experiences inaccurately into a current situation.  Are you REALLY being treated unfairly?  Is there more information that would lead to a different conclusion?
3. If our curiosity guides us away from this belief that our experience is unfair, then we can thank resentment for showing up but we do not need to keep ruminating on the feeling.  We can trash talk it; give it more information; find other emotions that are more appropriate to the current situation and give them the attention they deserve.
4. What if the situation is unfair?  We do not need to brood!  We can whip out our conflict resolution skills; we can speak into the situation and seek change; we can choose to stop participating in the unfair practice; we have options people!!

Although this is just the shortest of suggestions, the bottom line is this:  resentment can be a great wake up call but it is not a super reliable decision-maker.  Today, notice if your mind and body might be pre-wired to jump to resentment.  Or, perhaps you have been ignoring your feeling of resentment in order to avoid conflict.  Tomorrow I will give you a personal example of how I almost got carried away by a resentment that ended up being totally unnecessary.

Resentment

Resentment.  The dictionary definition basically sums up the experience of resentment as  a perceived mistreatment or unfair situation that results in bitter indignation.  I think of it more as a slow burn of ill-will towards another - often without much conscious thought about why I have this feeling.

The capacity to resent people and circumstances does NOT show up on any resiliency skill list.  Mutual Aid societies like AA have been clear about the toxicity of resentment for decades.  According to their literature, someone who has a substance use disorder cannot bear up under the weight of resentment without falling prey to relapse.

Other recovery writings have talked at length about resentment and its ties to expectations.  Expectations, particularly ones we have for others, provide fertile soil for growing resentments.  It’s an over-statement to say that we should have NO expectations for others but it is important to pay attention to times when we have unrealistic expectations of others that cause us and them harm.  

Think about this:  our resentment can be more harmful than the unfairness of the situation we obsess over.  How has your resentment hurt you? Others?

Overall, resentment is not particularly healthy if we do not treat it appropriately and swiftly.  What exactly does that mean?  Tomorrow we will talk about that!  In the meantime, consider your own experience with resentment.

Are you struggling with feeling like you have been treated unfairly?
Can you identify your bitter indignation over this belief?
Does it feel an awful lot like resentment?

Tomorrow we will chat about it