Resentment is not a safe place to hide

All too often our so-called strength comes from fear; not love; instead of having a strong back, many of us have a defended front shielding a weak spine.  In other words, we walk around brittle and defensive, trying to conceal our lack of confidence.  If we strengthen our backs, metaphorically speaking, and develop a spine that’s flexible but sturdy, then we can risk having a front that’s soft and open...How can we give and accept care with strong-back, soft-front compassion, moving past fear into a place of genuine tenderness?  I believe it comes about when we can be truly transparent, seeing the world clearly - and letting the world see into us.  

~ Roshi Joan Halifax, as quoted by Brene’ Brown in Braving the Wilderness, p. 147.

Resentment is a convenient emotion for me when I am feeling freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional - conditions I experience with an unfortunate degree of regularity.  Resentment feels powerful and righteous but most of the time it is a thinly veiled disguise vainly employed to mask my own fear.

Telling myself to be strong and brave and courageous is unhelpful and often leads to an added layer of awkward bravado that is about as authentic looking as breast implants.  After a long time practicing nonjudgmental observation with a LOT of support from others, I no longer accept my resentful feelings on face value.  Today, I more often end up concluding that they are distortions of my more accurate emotion - FEAR.

Fear in the form of resentment is a representation of defensive shielding of a weak spine.  My spine is weak when I am depending on others to tell me how to appropriately think, feel and do.  Interdependence is a good thing and a valuable way to relate to our tribe.  But I am ultimately responsible for myself. Only I can decide what I think, feel and do with my daily life choices.  (This is a strong back; it’s having a spine; it’s knowing and taking responsibility for my core values.)

Resentment pops up for me when I fear that life is unfair.  When I believe that love and provision are scarce and someone else is going to take what is mine, I am terrified but often feel resentful.  How about you?  Is your resentment a cover for fear?  

Tomorrow, I will make a few suggestions about how we can encourage one another in this work of becoming both strong and vulnerable people

Good help is hard to find

If the two brothers gave us plenty to think about in the Old Testament as it relates to resentment, in the New Testament we find two sisters who also know all about getting whipped up with bitter indignation.

Anyone would be understandably nervous to host Jesus and his disciples for dinner.  Martha offered hospitality to Jesus and his crew and then immediately began to fret over the preparations.  Pre-party anxiety is real.  I suspect that Martha, in her heart of hearts, loves to throw dinner parties.  Otherwise, she wouldn’t have extended the invitation.  I have a friend who is the Queen of Hospitality.  She has taught me that as effortless as her parties seem, even she, the best of the best at throwing a good party, gets nervous as the party draws near.  Martha’s tension is not so much a reflection of her lack of capability as it is a sign that she really cares about making a wonderful dinner for her guests.  For those who read this story as if Martha is somehow an envious unspiritual person, I think that’s too harsh and misses the point.
However, Jesus does offer Martha some feedback.  Martha gets aggravated with her sister Mary, who sits at Jesus’ feet instead of chopping celery for the potato salad.  So Martha says this:

She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself?  Tell her to help me!”

Martha has basically lost her perspective.  Much like Cain, who blamed Abel, Martha blames Jesus for Mary’s attentiveness to Jesus and his teaching rather than pulling kitchen duty.  

Jesus responds,

 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed.  Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”  Luke 10:39-41

I do not think that Jesus is diminishing the role of Martha as a hostess.  But what he is saying, I believe, is that not everyone has that particular gift.  If Martha could stay in her own lane - hospitality, and let Mary stay in hers - learning from Jesus, then all will be well.  But resentment confuses and confounds us.  It gets us believing that life is unfair, when in fact, it is often just different.  On a recent family vacation, my sister-in-law and I were talking about the difference between parenting from a perspective of equality versus fairness.  We landed on fairness as the higher value.  But if our children want us to treat everyone equally, then it is possible that they might feel resentful if we babysit for one grandchild more often than another.  At this stage of life we see the wisdom of using discernment as a guide because this takes into account what our collective families’ actual needs are rather than just cookie cutter responses to life with our children in a vain attempt to keep everything equal.  Fortunately, our children are gracious human beings and they understand. How can you stay in your lane and find more joy in the spiritual discipline of treating everyone fairly?

God questions Cain's Anger

Then the Lord said to Cain, Why are you angry?  Why is your face downcast?  If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?  But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.”  

Genesis 4:6-7

God challenges Cain’s anger.  He invites Cain to consider his part in the story.  Cain has a part and his own decisions have led to God’s rejection of his offering.  

How hard it is for us to consider our part in a problem!!!  

But God also introduces a further problem.  He tells Cain that if Cain fails to manage his life, then forces bigger than Cain and his self-will may take away his freedom to choose.  The scripture calls this sin.  

Managing our emotions, our actions and even our thought life are key skills essential for a reasonably happy and healthy life.  Cain’s story serves as a cautionary tale and example of what happens when we get sloppy with our thoughts, feelings and actions.

Impulsivity and reactivity can have devastating consequences.  Until someone invents a time machine, we would do well to heed God’s word to Cain.  Some bells cannot be unrung.

Resentment by definition is all about us FEELING like someone is treating us unfairly.  But God is turning the tables on Cain and suggesting that all of this was within his responsibility and freedom to choose a different path.

How can this apply to you?

"Why are you angry?"

Yesterday I asked (without answering) a question:  why did God accept Abel’s offering but not Cain’s?

In the book of Hebrews, Paul shares his perspective:  

By an act of faith, Abel brought a better sacrifice to God than Cain. It was what he believed, not what he brought, that made the difference. That’s what God noticed and approved as righteous. After all these centuries, that belief continues to catch our notice.

~ Hebrews 11:4 The Message

Again, the acceptance had NOTHING to do with the kind of offering given, but instead with the motivation of the heart of the giver.  Cain was confused about God’s rejection but was unwilling to humbly ask for feedback from God.

What if Cain had gotten curious?  What if he had asked a follow up question?  If he had done that, God surely would have told him that his issue was heart-related, not simply an aversion to carrots and potatoes.

At that moment, Cain could have considered God’s perspective.  At a minimum, he would have had no reason to kill Abel.  It was NOT a competition. 

Now that we’ve cleared up the issue with God’s approval and disapproval, tomorrow we will look at God’s response and advice to Cain in spite of Cain’s reluctance to hear another viewpoint.

Is there any chance that some of your own resentment/s is/are more a misunderstanding of the situation than an actual slight?  Are there new ways of seeing that might keep you from doing harm to yourself or others as a result of your skewed perspective?

Murderous Resentment

Cain and Abel are biblical examples of resentment gone wild.  As a reminder, because I myself cannot keep the two brothers straight, Abel brought an offering to God as did Cain.  But they received different responses from God as it related to each offering.  

God was pleased with Abel’s offering; he was not pleased with Cain’s.  

Cain was not at all curious about why his offering was rejected.  Was it because God is at heart a carnivore, more pleased with Abel’s meaty offering than he was with Cain’s garden goodies?  Unlikely.  

Instead of talking to God about the situation, which would have made sense seeing as how it was God who rejected the offering, Cain lashed out and murdered his brother Abel.  

Cain’s bitter resentment resulted in him killing his brother, who by all accounts had done nothing wrong and in fact, had done a lovely thing - given an acceptable offering to God.  

This is one of many problems with resentment.  It is often mis-directed.  Abel got caught in the cross-fire of Cain’s bitter indignation with God.

Are there any resentments that you are struggling with that have gotten misdirected?  Anyone you are picking on?  Are you blaming someone else for a problem that is really between you and another?