People pleasing

Our family embraces anxiety as a lifestyle.  It’s a gift, really, because it is such an uncomfortable way to live that it continually invites us to learn new ways of being in the world.  It’s the gift that keeps on giving.  

In yesterday’s example of unsolicited feedback that surely triggered insecurity and anxiety in my adult child, this kid chose to practice some of what anxiety has taught us.

First off - it is a constant challenge to give up on this notion of being liked and the constant fear of disappointing people.  That is really the most important thing we as anxious people must try to practice to mitigate the devastating effects of approval anxiety.

Just because we are not liked does not mean we are unlikeable.  We all have preferences when it comes to interacting with various personalities, we are not going to be universally beloved!!  Constantly seeking approval from others is unrealistic and requires a massive and aggressive campaign to hide huge parts of who we are from others.  Exhausting!

We disappoint others ALL THE TIME.  This is also reality.  Heck, I disappoint MYSELF - why shouldn’t I expect to disappoint you too?  Again, it is exhausting to the point of pathological tiredness to try to avoid disappointing others.  Think about all the different competing expectations we have.  Who are we going to decide to not disappoint?  

When my mother was dying, my daughter was giving birth to her first child and our first grandchild.  My mother was dying in Atlanta and my daughter was bringing new life into the world four states away.  Joy and anguish both filled my heart.  I had to make a decision that no daughter or mom should have to make - stay in Atlanta, where I had driven at breakneck speed upon hearing of my mom’s collapse?  Or drive back home to be present when my grandson made his arrival?  I chose to go where my presence legitimately mattered - to my daughter’s side, where she needed me.  I was a HUGE disappointment to some in my family; I was a blessing to others.  Who dares to decide the rightness of my choice?  I cannot judge it and do not try.  I did what I thought my mother would have wanted and what I absolutely knew my daughter needed.  I suspect that if I had remained in the crowded house with plenty of others on hand to serve her last needs, mom might still be fussing at me from the other side of eternity for failing my daughter in her hour of need.

I am at peace with my choices BUT it requires me to discipline myself to do what my kid is practicing - give up on being liked and stop chasing after the approval of others.  How about you?  Are you ready to lay down the heavy and loathsome burden of people pleasing?  Are you ready to take responsibility for doing what your core values indicate is pleasing, regardless of the response of others?

More and more curious

Carrying on from yesterday...if you need to get caught up, there is a link at the bottom of the email (for those of you who read via email).  If you're reading directly on the web, check out the post from September 4, 2018.

After the story was told to me, I had some curious questions of my own.  I asked my adult child about the reaction of the other party and I was pleasantly surprised to hear this:

“Well, it was interesting.  Here’s what happened.  When I didn’t get sucked into a discussion about my personality, it allowed me to stay on point with the real purpose of the conversation - which was to provide feedback to this person.  My boss had asked me to handle the problem of this person’s under performance.  The whole conversation started with me having to do the hard thing of explaining why this person’s service contract with us was on the verge of cancellation.  Instead of getting sidetracked with a conversation about me, I was able to return to the original point of discussion:  her need to improve her performance.  Which, by the way, could be done with or without me having a personality at all, either good or bad.”

No one likes negative job feedback.  Right?  But consider the alternative.  What if the vendor had been able to distract the conversation.  In the moment, she could have avoided hearing about her work issues BUT she would have forfeited her opportunity to respond to the feedback and improve her performance.  Which, by the way, she actually was able to accomplish and resulted in her keeping the contract.

Using the “strong back” “soft front” language of Brene’ Brown, the capacity to not chase after the approval of others in that moment enabled my child to provide a kindness to another.  At my ripe old age, I am not sure I would have had the wisdom to do the same.  Tomorrow, I will share what I learned when I asked my adulting child how this decision was made because I believe it holds some practical wisdom for those of us who are trying to rise above our defensive and resentful postures to a more hopeful and courageous way of living.

You can't like everyone, and not everyone is gonna like you

I was shocked.  One of my adult children was recounting a story that clearly called for a strong back and a soft front.  What does that meant?  Today we're going to talk about having a "strong back."  A strong back means being courageous enough to face problems head-on, so that we are sturdy under pressure.  It means refusing to hide behind a false personality.  

A person who worked tangentially with this child was providing unsolicited feedback about my child’s personality.  This, for the record, is bad behavior.  My kid who has a working knowledge of the enneagram and resides in the dependent stance of this tool (if you do not know what I am talking about, no worries, I’ll provide more descriptors), was able to use enneagram language to describe the experience.  For the sake of this post, I would say that those of us who reside in the dependent stance (1,2,6 if you’re interested) move “toward” others.  We are referenced outside of ourselves, often looking for others to validate and even provide us input on what we should think, feel and do.  Anyway, my kid was noticing that this person was giving themselves a lot of permission to speak about said child’s personality without really having the benefit of knowing my child other than through the most casual and limited of business interactions.  The person concluded, “You know, I really do not feel like I have connected with you interpersonally.”  My kid heard implied blame, even resentment on the other person’s part. (Is connecting interpersonally a job requirement?  One wonders…)

This is when a strong back and soft front was not only a helpful metaphor but a good guide.  Having just had a long discussion on the paradox of practicing daily courage AND vulnerability, my  adult progeny did something very different than the dependent stance they live in would have predicted.

They paused.  They neither moved toward the other person by getting sucked into this inappropriate and boundary-less discussion nor against them by getting all aggressive and ugly nor did they withdraw by wrapping a cloak of invisibility around themselves and disappearing into their own mind palace (these are common ways we humans response to a perceived threat).

Instead, they simply stood there, acknowledged that they heard the person, and offered no commentary.  My offspring decided in the moments of pausing that no response was needed.  This was unsolicited feedback from a questionable source.  It could be received but did NOT need to be absorbed.  Mostly, they decided that they did not need to chase after approval, apologize for their personality, or defend their place in the world.  All of that means, I think, that this was a moment when a strong back and soft front did not require my child to seek out approval from a virtual stranger.  This is an example of the strong back; tomorrow we will discuss the soft front portion of the interaction.

Resentment is not a safe place to hide

All too often our so-called strength comes from fear; not love; instead of having a strong back, many of us have a defended front shielding a weak spine.  In other words, we walk around brittle and defensive, trying to conceal our lack of confidence.  If we strengthen our backs, metaphorically speaking, and develop a spine that’s flexible but sturdy, then we can risk having a front that’s soft and open...How can we give and accept care with strong-back, soft-front compassion, moving past fear into a place of genuine tenderness?  I believe it comes about when we can be truly transparent, seeing the world clearly - and letting the world see into us.  

~ Roshi Joan Halifax, as quoted by Brene’ Brown in Braving the Wilderness, p. 147.

Resentment is a convenient emotion for me when I am feeling freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional - conditions I experience with an unfortunate degree of regularity.  Resentment feels powerful and righteous but most of the time it is a thinly veiled disguise vainly employed to mask my own fear.

Telling myself to be strong and brave and courageous is unhelpful and often leads to an added layer of awkward bravado that is about as authentic looking as breast implants.  After a long time practicing nonjudgmental observation with a LOT of support from others, I no longer accept my resentful feelings on face value.  Today, I more often end up concluding that they are distortions of my more accurate emotion - FEAR.

Fear in the form of resentment is a representation of defensive shielding of a weak spine.  My spine is weak when I am depending on others to tell me how to appropriately think, feel and do.  Interdependence is a good thing and a valuable way to relate to our tribe.  But I am ultimately responsible for myself. Only I can decide what I think, feel and do with my daily life choices.  (This is a strong back; it’s having a spine; it’s knowing and taking responsibility for my core values.)

Resentment pops up for me when I fear that life is unfair.  When I believe that love and provision are scarce and someone else is going to take what is mine, I am terrified but often feel resentful.  How about you?  Is your resentment a cover for fear?  

Tomorrow, I will make a few suggestions about how we can encourage one another in this work of becoming both strong and vulnerable people

Good help is hard to find

If the two brothers gave us plenty to think about in the Old Testament as it relates to resentment, in the New Testament we find two sisters who also know all about getting whipped up with bitter indignation.

Anyone would be understandably nervous to host Jesus and his disciples for dinner.  Martha offered hospitality to Jesus and his crew and then immediately began to fret over the preparations.  Pre-party anxiety is real.  I suspect that Martha, in her heart of hearts, loves to throw dinner parties.  Otherwise, she wouldn’t have extended the invitation.  I have a friend who is the Queen of Hospitality.  She has taught me that as effortless as her parties seem, even she, the best of the best at throwing a good party, gets nervous as the party draws near.  Martha’s tension is not so much a reflection of her lack of capability as it is a sign that she really cares about making a wonderful dinner for her guests.  For those who read this story as if Martha is somehow an envious unspiritual person, I think that’s too harsh and misses the point.
However, Jesus does offer Martha some feedback.  Martha gets aggravated with her sister Mary, who sits at Jesus’ feet instead of chopping celery for the potato salad.  So Martha says this:

She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself?  Tell her to help me!”

Martha has basically lost her perspective.  Much like Cain, who blamed Abel, Martha blames Jesus for Mary’s attentiveness to Jesus and his teaching rather than pulling kitchen duty.  

Jesus responds,

 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed.  Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”  Luke 10:39-41

I do not think that Jesus is diminishing the role of Martha as a hostess.  But what he is saying, I believe, is that not everyone has that particular gift.  If Martha could stay in her own lane - hospitality, and let Mary stay in hers - learning from Jesus, then all will be well.  But resentment confuses and confounds us.  It gets us believing that life is unfair, when in fact, it is often just different.  On a recent family vacation, my sister-in-law and I were talking about the difference between parenting from a perspective of equality versus fairness.  We landed on fairness as the higher value.  But if our children want us to treat everyone equally, then it is possible that they might feel resentful if we babysit for one grandchild more often than another.  At this stage of life we see the wisdom of using discernment as a guide because this takes into account what our collective families’ actual needs are rather than just cookie cutter responses to life with our children in a vain attempt to keep everything equal.  Fortunately, our children are gracious human beings and they understand. How can you stay in your lane and find more joy in the spiritual discipline of treating everyone fairly?