Learning from your confrontations

Confrontation teaches us what we need to know

If you do have a conversation with the wrongdoer, it may help you figure out what forgiveness looks like. Remember, we're (roughly) deciding between two options: action (treating the wrongdoer as if no wrong has occurred) and inaction (refusing to retaliate).

We must ask ourselves, “What does forgiveness look like?" both before and after our confrontation. The conversation may go well or it may go poorly. Either way, it will give us "data" on the wrongdoer. Are they repentant? Are they willing to own the problem? Where are they? This will inform our response moving forward. Do we create distance and refuse retaliation? Do we engage and treat them as if no wrong as occurred (this is, essentially, giving the offender a gift)?

Remember, forgiveness is an ongoing process, it does not have a definitive end. These conversations where we address the problem may be the very thing that tell us what forgiveness looks like in these specific circumstances.

Discernment will be key.

Confronting Wrongdoers

When do we address harm head-on?

When do we confront "wrongdoers"?  

Based on our conversation about the limits of forgiveness, addressing the harm with the wrongdoer is something that happens in an “in community” kind of relationship.  Or, I suppose, a relationship that generally has proven itself safe to do so.  There are harms that may be addressed with people who aren’t part of our “hut” but who are mature, confident, reasonable, rational adults capable of sitting through a difficult conversation without creating any additional harm.  These are the types of situations where it is appropriate to address the harm head-on.  

Outside of these, use your best discernment and rely on your closest confidants for wisdom.  

Further limitations on Forgiveness

3 Be on your guard! If another disciple sins, you must rebuke the offender, and if there is repentance, you must forgive. 4 And if the same person sins against you seven times a day, and turns back to you seven times and says, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive.”

Luke 17:3-4, NRSV

I think that Jesus’ point, from the verses used in the past two days, is to live as a person ready and willing to forgive. Does that (or can that) happen under any and all circumstances? Of course not. But it is my opinion that we’re being pointed towards a disposition (readiness to forgive) rather than a strict formula (rebuke -> repentance -> forgiveness). We would be missing the point to treat this as a formula or to analyze the exact number of times we are obligated to offer forgiveness. Jesus’ goal is for his disciples to become forgiving types of people. It is assumed that forgiveness is the regular, daily fare of God’s followers and it is that mentality we chase.

Keep in mind, though, that we’ve been given at least two potential boundaries here: 1. community and 2. repentance. And, to be even more limiting, the repentance, in this context, refers to an “in community” person being the one doing the repenting. It does not say you’re obligated to forgive any repenter whatsoever. We are trying to become forgiving types of people, of course, and I believe the willingness to forgive can potentially apply to anyone. But, when it comes to life’s biggest hurts, we tend to be dealing with “outsiders” who are unrepentant. This can stretch us beyond what we can bear and, in so doing, may make forgiveness extremely difficult, if not impossible. There is no need to shame ourselves for that as those situations are simply not being covered by Jesus’ instruction here.

What do we do with those scenarios? Stay tuned- we'll address that in a future day.

The Limits of Forgiveness: Part II

3 Be on your guard! If another disciple sins, you must rebuke the offender, and if there is repentance, you must forgive. 4 And if the same person sins against you seven times a day, and turns back to you seven times and says, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive.”

Luke 17:3-4, NRSV

We're unpacking the "limits" of forgiveness. Yesterday we talked about the fact that Jesus' vision of forgiveness applies to those who stand in God's community. The second limit is this:

Repentance

The passage says, “…if there is repentance, you must forgive.” Is it true, then, that a lack of repentance does not oblige us to forgive? It's unclear to me how much to read into this because I believe the most fundamental point being made is that we remain ever open to forgive those who repent (in community). Remember this instruction is to people who are in community together. This instruction that obligates forgiveness, then, is a secondary limitation (because you are only obliged to follow this procedure in community).

But, all the same, it is certainly possible that a lack of repentance does not oblige us to forgive. Repentance itself may be a limitation of forgiveness in in community relationships.

A word of caution: It's important how we use this information. It's probably not a great idea to use these limitations as excuses or loop holes. I'm pointing out these limitations not so that we can get off the hook, but so that we can stop shaming ourselves for how difficult forgiveness can be. These limitations help us see that there is not something wrong with us when we struggle to forgive. It is so often the case that it is forgiveness itself that has limits, and not that we are "bad" at forgiving.

If we've been wronged, there may be a great deal of shame that comes with that. If we've been wronged, and we cannot "forgive" (in our culture's definition), then we're living in the shame of being a person who is wronged and the shame of being a "bad" forgiver. That just is not right.

Regarding Debts and The Limits of Forgiveness

“If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. 16 But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

Matthew 18:15-17, NRSV

It is not appropriate to forgive every debt, whether we’re talking relationally or monetarily. We all remember the 70 times 7 instruction and often assume that forgiveness must apply to every situation regardless of circumstances. We do not often remember the context of that passage, and the context contains limits.

What are these limits?

Community

This series of instructions applies to those who stand "in community" with one another. In community relationships, there is an assumed level of trust, mutual respect, security, responsibility, and accountability. If a particular relationship in your life does not possess these qualities then we would not consider that an "in community" relationship.

Please note: Just because someone says they share your faith does not mean they actually do. Or, rather, it does not mean they actively apply that way of seeing to their lives. Do not be fooled by someone who uses faith language. The language is meaningless if they don't demonstrate their commitment to spiritual principles in their lives.