Holiday Stress

My mother loved a decorated tree but hated the actual time it took to decorate. And let’s be honest - she didn’t like the mess of a live tree. My dad was a grumpy and reluctant participant. I decided that when I was a parent, the tree decorating would be an EVENT and all adults would be merry and bright about the task without requiring the children to be neat and have an eye for perfect ornament placement. My children had other thoughts. They reached an age when they weren’t all that merry and bright about the tree trimming. It wasn’t their thing. It was boooooring.

This was a disappointment to me.

I confess, I still love the tree thing and I am already excited about this next generation of children. I am plotting the Christmas that both Norah and Christian will join Meme and Pops for a sleepover and a tree decorating extravaganza. It will include hot chocolate and homemade cookies and gingerbread house making. Their parental units can have the night off.

This does not mean that the intervening Christmases were unhappy. They were just different than I had imagined. Imagination is a wonderful thing until it bites you in the tushy. Imagination without decent checks and balances can turn into fantasy living. Real life cannot measure up.

When I was faced with reality versus fantasy, I made a decision to not be foolish. I refused to play reindeer games. I did not ruminate over what I wished for, I took action and created what was workable and gave me a reasonably happy Christmas. I stopped asking the kids to be all-in on the decorating, but I continued to buy them specialty ornaments - that brought me pleasure. I did not ask them to have my feelings.

This holiday season, I would encourage us all to own our experience. Make it reasonably happy, without demanding that others share our preferences. Free people to do their holiday the way that suits them. This will require some creativity, adjustment of expectations, and even downright discipline to not ruminate over what might have been. But it is also wise.

Don’t be a Debbie Downer.

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1 NIV

Holiday Hangovers

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1 NIV

Do you get the post holiday blues? What does that look like for you?

When I was a kid I made myself a few promises. One of my promises was about the holidays. I promised myself that I would follow my mother’s lead in her commitment to holiday merriment AND I would do it MY way. My mom enjoyed the holidays and modeled well childlike joy in an adult body. But I was also familiar with grown up holiday depression. So one of my promises included a vow that I never wanted my adult hangovers to bring a cloud over my home, my children, my husband. Of course, I have not kept this promise perfectly. It is still a commitment though, and I continue to strive for equanimity in all things. Even the holidays.

In the process, I have learned a few things.

To be continued…

You don't have to be thankful for Thanksgiving

I fully expect to wake up the morning after Thanksgiving and hear about some of my friends’ hangovers. Not the hangover that goes with over-indulging in all its many forms, but one that leaves its mark nonetheless. I’m talking about the post traumatic stress from dashed expectations hangover. You know the one.

We went into Thanksgiving with our marching orders - lead with compassion, lower expectations. Do NOT talk politics. Have an escape plan if the partying gets out of hand. We reviewed our notes from the books, and groups and hopefully a weekend message or two and prepared ourselves for living with our inspired way of seeing while sidestepping the family traditions of mocking and teasing and shaming and fighting that so many of us have experienced in large family gatherings. Some of us may have even opted out of family events, choosing instead our families of choice to break bread with and practice new ways of living among.

Still.

Friday can be a bit of bummer.

What’s up with that? What are you thoughts? I’m curious.

Striving, hoping, and waiting

You long for something you don’t have, so you commit murder. You are jealous for something you can’t get, so you struggle and fight. You don’t have because you don’t ask. You ask and don’t have because you ask with evil intentions, to waste it on your own cravings. James 4:2-3 CEB

When I was young, I tried to solve my prayer problems with hard work.

I continued to redouble my efforts because I was convinced that my evil intentions in prayer were the cause of my desert-like prayer experience. But I also began to question my own prayer posture. The more I read and studied, the less convinced I was that God’s greatest desire for me was to feed him a list of requests, let’s be honest - demands, for how he was to show up and work in the world.

I continued this elaborate ritual of prayer but all joy drained from the experience; even my school supplies could not comfort me.

In 1986 my brother got sober; to support him, I began to embrace the 12 steps. Step 11 blew me away. Step 11: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out.

What do you notice about this prayer? What is the objective of this step? What is promised? What is not promised? I thought prayer was about solving problems and feeling better. It was a relief to discover that prayer was possible and even sacred without solving a particular problem and even if I did not feel better as a result of my prayer efforts.

Hoping and Waiting

The eleventh step radically changed my perspective on prayer and meditation. I sorely needed a readjustment. Historically, I have proven time and again that I am capable of misinterpreting the scriptures.

“Ask, and you will receive. Search, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks, receives. Whoever seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door is opened. Matthew 7:7-8 CEB

Early on in my faith journey, I developed a system of praying that looked more like a strategic plan then sacred time spent with God. I organized my prayer requests in an elaborate system of checks and balances so that I would not forget to ask, seek, and knock so that I might receive and find.

It was tiring.

As much as I enjoyed the school supplies I used as my prayer tools and the structure of rigorous and daily asking and seeking, I felt something was missing.

Do you ever feel that something is missing when it comes to prayer?