Growing up

The traits that we associate with success may not be helpful in achieving our New Year’s resolutions. In a world where we believe that resources are scarce, we compete to win the prize. Like food. Or firewood. Or a promotion. Evidently we live in a world that believes that resources are scarce. How else can we explain the rush of December 2018 when the Cheesecake Factory gave away a free piece of cheesecake to customers as a way of celebrating their anniversary? There were traffic jams and fights and even arrests for disorderly conduct. For cheesecake. I’m obsessed with this story. I’m confused by it and disappointed that this is what we are willing to go to any lengths to acquire - a free piece of cheesecake.

There is another way of living. We choose to stop looking for the world to reward us. Instead, we turn around and notice those around us who need a reward and we give them one. This requires attentiveness and a commitment to believe that the world is an abundant place, with plenty to go around if we all share. No matter our status or job title, we can be people who offer rewards. Today I was grabbing a coffee and the baker slipped me a tiny piece of her peppermint bar dessert to taste. No charge. Delicious. She was rewarding me. I paid it forward. When I ordered my coffee, I also paid for the person behind me. I rewarded him.

After grabbing my coffee, eating that yummy treat and paying it forward, I hopped in my car and drove off. Because I was so filled with the joy of giving and receiving, I stopped to let a guy walking his two dogs cross the street. I could have just blown by. I had to wait for him to arrive at the crosswalk, but I didn’t want to do that. I wanted him to know that I saw him and that he mattered and I would wait for him on this bitterly cold day so that he did not need to slow his pace for me to drive by. One kind pepperminty act inspired more acts of kindness.

My son just graduated college. We rewarded him. He tells us that our generosity and support during his college adventure is reward enough and not to get him a gift. He is rewarding us with such kind words. We will reward him even if he tells us not to because his accomplishment is worth rewarding. I imagine he will pay that forward.

What if we all believed that there was enough, and that we have more than enough to share? Maybe we cannot always share in a way that is monetary, but kindness is priceless and noticing someone’s presence is like winning the lottery. We all have the capacity to reward.

Having the attentiveness to notice and the willingness to reward others on a regular basis is an indicator that whatever our resolutions are, we are more likely to achieve them. This is an essential way of living life satisfied and joy-filled.

In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength. Isaiah 30:15 NIV

Over-working does not equal commitment

Our worth is totally unrelated to our productivity. This is a well-kept secret. There is plenty of research out in the world that teaches us that workaholics are less productive and creative than their counterparts - people who have boundaries. In spite of the fact that we know that lack of sleep impacts our physical health, increases the likelihood of accidents, etc., it is still considered a bit of a status symbol to complain about how busy we are.

Our temptation when setting goals and desiring change is to work harder. But oftentimes we are doing the wrong work!! What we need is time to play!

Need more creativity to solve serious problems at work? Go play.

Desire more joy in your life? Go outside and play.

Wish you had better interpersonal skills and more healthy relationships? Go play.

It turns out that playtime does all sorts of amazing things to the brain. It also helps it calm down and recover after periods of stress. Dr. Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play has been quoted as saying, “The opposite of play is not work - the opposite of play is depression.”

If you are resolved to change something, make sure you book in playtime. Whatever your goal, taking breaks by playing will help you achieve them.

Walking a mile in someone else's shoes

Everyone has power. Not everyone is wise. But we can become more wise!

My barista has power to bless or curse me even if she is at the bottom of the power chain. Last week she accidentally doubled down on the turmeric in my mocha turmeric latte. Broke my heart. It was undrinkable. The temptation is to judge the barista’s competence. And perhaps that is valid if this is a regular event. But this particular barista also asked about my day, was kind in the face of rudeness from another customer, and was the only person working the register and filling the orders. Oh, and school was out. The place was packed with children running wild in an enclosed environment that felt safe enough for their parents to ignore them. My barista has the power to bless or curse everyone who enters the coffee shop.

But there was a problem with my latte. How do we deal with THAT? First, wisdom demands that we identify the correct problem. Is the problem that needs to be addressed the double shot of turmeric? Or might it be…

* Too little staff expected to handle too big a load

* A weather event that changed the normal workload in this shop

* Other employees unable to get into work because their cars were stuck in snowbanks

* It was the end of a long shift and the employee was completely frazzled.

We get focused on a particular failure when we are more interested in policing people and demanding that they not make mistakes then we are on taking a longer view. This is especially true when SOMEBODY else made the mistake. My husband could criticize me for any number of household snafus. I could criticize him for a few too. But what works better for us is seeing mistakes as opportunities to take a longer view.

My husband and I are practicing the discipline of not blaming. It’s hard not to complain when we believe someone else made a mistake whose consequence we live with, but the damage done by criticizing and blaming is harder.

How can we make it easier for people to admit mistakes and “get it right” as they learn? Taking time to identify the root problem requires strength, stamina and patience. What spiritual practices are you using to strengthen yourself?

In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.

Isaiah 30:15 NIV

Productivity and rest

One temptation for assessing one’s value is to cheat. We cheat ourselves and others when we decide that value equals productivity. I am a big fan of productivity, but I have learned that the most productive among us are those who learn how to relax. It turns out that boredom enhances creativity.

When we cheat our evaluations of self and others by limiting our perspective on what is valuable, we are not living within the flow of rest that God encourages us to enter.

The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.

Mark 2:27 NIV

A day of rest is intended to be….restful. How can you find restful spots in your day?

Sharing weakness, sharing strength

Ken Blanchard wrote a bestseller in 1982, The One Minute Manager, which Brene` quotes on page 98 of Dare to Lead. “Catch people doing things right.” Embrace what we discover and plan accordingly. This includes the ways both us and others are “getting it right.”

As we are able, lead with our strengths and remain humbly aware of our perennial weaknesses. Help others do the same. This encourages transformation. The New Year’s resolutions we made in early January might need tweaking. They may be more focused on a perceived weakness than a strength. This is one reason resolutions are often so unproductive. Far better for us if we work within our strengths and find support for our weaknesses.

I am terrible with details. My life is managed by a few people who are GREAT with details. I can go on and on about my limitations, try to fake it, blame others for my mistakes, etc. OR I could own the limitations.

My work does not require me to be good with details so long as someone is paying attention to the details that are part of my work and home life. I need to acknowledge what I do that is a strength that others cannot do quite as effectively. Our strengths are often taken for granted by us as we practice them. They seem so natural to us that if we aren’t careful we will minimize them, thinking that EVERYBODY can do THAT. Well guess what? Everybody cannot. And SOMEBODY is not going to work on what is our work to do. Know your value and find support for that which gets in the way of you exercising your strengths effectively! This is perhaps one of the most liberating and exciting part of the transformation process.

What words of affirmation have you received that can help you figure out strengths that you may be minimizing? Who are you? How do you roll? Who can help you shore up your weak spots? Whose weak spots can you help shore up using your strengths? Together, we can become a bigger, healthier, happier and more effective family!