Things to avoid in order to listen well

I often need examples of what NOT to do, so here goes:

Do NOT practice DIRECTING - telling someone what to do, commanding them
Do NOT practice WARNING - naming potential dangers; this can feel like a threat
Do NOT practice the RIGHTING REFLEX - telling someone what they should do
Do NOT practice PERSUADING - lecturing, arguing, reasoning
Do NOT practice MORALIZING - using the “should” word
Do NOT practice JUDGING - blaming, criticizing or disagreeing
Do NOT practice SHAMING - ridiculing, teasing, condescending
Do NOT practice ANALYZING OR PROBING - interrogating
Do NOT practice DISTRACTING - using humor, changing the subject or withdrawing

Here is a shocker for you:
Do NOT practice AGREEING - this sounds like approving or praising - not our job!
Do NOT practice REASSURING - sympathizing or consoling

“What? Why not?”

Basically, these various common and often-used conversational styles block listening. They imply that we know better or worse, encourage the speaker to stop talking.

CHALLENGE: I use some of these all the time. I need to work on this. How about you? Which do NOTs do you practice often? Pay attention to these, and see if you can observe yourself causing disruptions in your intention to listen well.

What most people need is a good listening to

What most people need is a good listening to.

~ Mary Lou Casey

A friend of mine recently lamented, “I am so tired of trying.” Can you relate? Some relationships are H.A.R.D.

But in observing my friend, I wondered: What has she tried? I have heard her complain, lament, express frustration, demand change, manipulate and cajole. But what actions has she taken that match the desires of her heart? Sometimes we get stuck and do not know it. I recognize her stuck ways - for my ways are so very similar to hers. We need to TRY DIFFERENT THINGS, not just keep trying the same old thing repeatedly hoping for a miracle. Why do we keep doing this to ourselves? Why do we keep looking for new ways of being in the world? In the book, Listening Well by William R. Miller, I found my answer.

Beneath accurate empathy at a deeper level is
compassion as an intention and habit of the
heart. Compassion goes beyond mere interest
in or curiosity about others. It is a desire for and
commitment to their well-being. The more
you understand another’s suffering, the more you
long to light it. The more you listen deeply to others,
the more you sense how alike and interconnected
we are. Willingness to see through another’s eyes,
to suspend self-centeredness, to receive respectfully
what they have to offer, and to desire their well-being -
these are habits of mind and heart that underlie and
motivate empathic understanding.

~ William Miller, Listening Well, P. 13

CHALLENGE: When was the last time you were able to hold this idea of wishing another well in the midst of a dispute? If you cannot remember, think about a time when you were in a dispute and you forgot to desire their well-being as much as you desired your own well-being. How did you behave? What did you say? How might they have felt? What harm might have resulted?

A Meditation Moment

Hold on to what is good, even if it is a handful of earth. A Pueblo Blessing

Let’s take a moment to breathe and pray. Pause for a few minutes and give thanks to God, who created you with two ears and one mouth. Invite him to bring insights to you as your day proceeds.

Give thanks, for the Lord is good and his love endures forever.

...the sounds of joy and gladness, the voices of bride and groom, and the voices of those who bring thank offerings to the house of the Lord, saying, “Give thanks to the Lord Almighty, for the Lord is good; his love endures forever.”

~ Jeremiah 33:11, NIV

Find ways to tell the people who matter to you that they matter to you

Let’s back up for a minute. Regardless of the tips and tactics for better listening, we need to wrestle with our intentions. I have a friend who is constantly disappointed by her children’s reactions to her well-intended reach outs. Her kids find her...intrusive? She finds them...avoidant.


Note from the editor (Scott): Sorry for the delay in getting these posts out over the past few days. It was my fault!

Feelings are hurt on both sides. Sometimes new techniques are not enough because the problem is bigger than the way we share or receive a conversation. If people tend to back up from you when you wish they would lean in, or if you feel like people are up in your grill and you wish they would back up just a titch, there are some foundational loving principles that would be awesome if we could all live by them. In loving relationships, these foundational truths matter:


* You matter to me.
* I want to understand what you mean.
* I am willing to take the time to listen longer and suspend my own rush to judgment of what I think you are saying.
* What you say and mean matters to me.
* Because I love you, I care as much about your preferences as my own.
* We are NOT responsible for each others’ happiness, but we can contribute to each others’ wellbeing.
* Boundaries are healthy, not insulting. I respect both mine and others’ boundaries.


CHALLENGE: I know that we all THINK we care about the people we love, but it is time to up our self-awareness. What is motivating us to pursue or detach from a particular relationship? Are we too needy? Insecure? Selfish? Do we lack grace and a willingness to sacrifice for others?

Keeping communication clear is better for everybody

Accurate empathy is about checking to make sure that the speaker’s intended message is accurately received by the listener. Both folks in the conversation can take responsibility for checking to make sure that message sent is clear, and the message received is accurate. Not only do we want to check for accuracy, we want to take the extra time to validate the “rightness” of both parties' feelings about the situation. We are not saying we agree with the content, we are simply acknowledging that we heard, and respect, the feelings of the other person.


Here are some questions we can use to help us make sure that our communication is clear:


* What did you hear me say? (Listener responds with a recap.)
* Is this what I heard you say? (Listener summarizes what they heard and asks speaker to verify accuracy.)
* Is it possible that you are feeling _______________? (Both should make sure their assumptions about the feelings of the other are accurate.)
* I am curious. Tell me more. (Give the other person a chance to expand on their perspective.)
* Thanks for clarifying. I missed that point. To be clear, do you mean _________? (A good response as all are working to get closer to the point they are trying to make.)
* Based on your response, I am concerned that I was unclear. Can I try again?


CHALLENGE: I wonder if you are frustrated and wondering why communication has to be this hard? All this poking and prodding at word choices...are we all getting to sensitive? No. We are getting wiser! Relationships matter. Jesus had a lot to say about that when he prioritized love of God, others and self as the greatest commandment. So friends, chop chop. Get busy. Time to up our game.