How Come I Don’t Get Invited to Christmas Brunch?

I was no longer invited on family vacations, and my parents didn’t try to come up with plausible reasons why: We just don’t want to be with you, they would tell me. And I didn’t even care. (Indeed, this past year, I was surprised to be told about a trip to Alaska my parents and siblings had taken while I was still using.) Whenever anyone in my family went out of town, they had to check in at least once a day in case I died. This wasn’t maudlin, just the reality I had imposed on my family’s lives.

Seth Mnookin, “Harvard and Heroin”

I know not all of us end up at Harvard addicted to heroin. But we all have our...things. And those “things”, those dependencies make it hard for us to be fully present in the lives of those we love. This causes problems. Problems cause disconnects. Disconnects create conflict and confusion and isolation.

Forget about a list of people you have harmed. Instead, try making a list of “uncomfortable” relationships that are not quite right. Get curious. What’s up? This is the list that has one common denominator. You. This in no way means you are ‘THE PROBLEM’ but it does mean that some common issues may run through your list.

Tomorrow, we’ll get a bit more pragmatic. Ditch the idea that the only bad problems are associated with Harvard of heroin and consider less dramatic but still difficult problems.

Curiosity

For whatever reason, there are people we harm that we do not remember harming. It is good to stay curious about such things. Keep an open mind and attitude about who ELSE might need to go on our list because sometimes we are distracted by the obvious choices.

This is our work and we try to NOT make it easier on ourselves by asking others to help us out. “Hey, if I ever did anything to harm you, I’m sorry...” is a hard-hearted amends and is guaranteed to do more harm.

We may also want to lean into thinking about the excuses we make for our behavior. That is one way we minimize and try to wriggle out of a thorough list-making.

Has anyone ever accused you of “playing the victim card”? Get curious about this too! If we constantly tell stories about ourselves that are filled with self-pity, our judgment might be a bit cloudy.

Just be curious. Notice your patterns. ESPECIALLY if you have places of safety and acceptance in your life to support you as you explore the way you interact with others!

The Issue with Comparisons

Years ago Pete and I were at a party and someone asked the crowd, “What is the most embarrassing thing you ever did?” And off to the races we all went, whipping out our most embarrassing moments in a crazy competition for most gut-wrenching moment of self-abasement.

Until this. (And it really helps if you watched the classic movie The Goonies to imagine this story in the voice of Chunk. If not, too bad for you cause it would be a lot funnier if you could!)

“One time in college, me and my friends went out to eat and that was a big deal because we were all really poor…..And we noticed that these people left their table with French friends and stuff still on their plate and we were really hungry so…..we went over and started eating what they left...(big pause)...But then they came back cause they were only going to the bathroom.”

Game over. This most embarrassing story has just won all the honors.

We cringed. We fell silent. Then we laughed and laughed and laughed.

What we really did was compare. And once we found the person with a story worse than any story of our own - that we would be willing to tell - whew! Sweet relief!

If you think you have harmed someone but hear a little voice in your head say, “But I didn’t intend to...and what about what so-and-so did? They are much worse than me...” that’s normal but it’s also time to get some support and accountability to help you sort through your harming ways.

The Gates of Hell

“The gates of hell are open night and day; Smooth the descent, and easy is the way But to retrace your steps, to Climb back to the upper air - There the struggle, there the Labor lies.”

Virgil, the Aeneid

I observe this tendency in myself and others who tell me their stories. We want to talk about our intentions.

I did not intend to forget.

I did not intend to hurt you.

I did not intend for you to find out.

I did not intend to sell your car for parts.

I did not intend to make you mad.

I did not intend to relapse.

All true but totally unhelpful. When we have been harmed, another’s intentions are not really the issue at hand. Does it sometimes mitigate how we feel? Maybe. But in recovery we learn to not let intentions serve as a proper excuse for doing harm to another.

How have you allowed this idea of “well intended” to sabotage efforts to resolve a wrongdoing?

Grace, Grace, and More Grace

I HATE receiving forgiveness, grace and mercy. It so much more satisfying to not have to face my own limitations OR figure out a way to cover them up - which is to say, find another way to put lipstick on a pig.

I think it is easier in these instances to give than to receive.

But here I was, in need of all three. Although the text helped relieve my initial shame attack, I was still stuck with this vague feeling of unease. I was tempted to make cookies or send yet another note of apology. Flowers maybe? I felt uncomfortable and I wanted quick relief.

What was needed in this moment was not a bribe. I needed to humbly accept the unconditional kindness given me the very instant I realized I had messed up.

Inevitably as we craft a list of people we have harmed, there will be moments of angst when we wish we could get rid of our uneasiness associated with shame, guilt and remorse. In other words, a good bribe. Maybe a quid pro quo. But that is not how grace works.

We connect with one another because of our flaws and failings, not in spite of them. This is the real gift of recovery. Eventually I learned a friend of mine, Linda Hancock, had jumped in and covered for me. As always, she was amazing. Once I knew the identity of my savior, I thanked her for her kindness and apologized for putting her in that position.

HER TEXT REPLY: “I once stood up 800 people...so no judgment here. I’m just sad I didn’t get to listen to you so let me know when you are speaking!”

What do you notice? I have awesome friends? Yes! What else? Acceptance. She was vulnerable and shared her own story of forgetting (connection). She was clear in her position (no judgment). She offered me words of encouragement (I wanted to hear you speak; when will you do this again?). We need more Linda’s! And….she makes me want to be a Linda too.

Who is your Linda? Who are you a Linda to?