When Grief Provides Relief

Decades into recovery, I am still surprised by my grief, especially when approaching the Seventh Step. This was not my experience in previous steps: Why the Seventh?

This step is grief-triggering because we are surrendering to the inevitability of change. I do not like change. Most people do not like change. We are often more comfortable with the devil we know than the one that might pop up in our future.

After I realized how often I leaned into false humility I realized that I had a problem with shame and humiliation. I began some personal work around that topic. I utilized therapy and my 12-Step practices to provide structure and accountability. I was embarrassed by what I discovered (more humiliation). I became keenly aware of when I was “doing it”, I hated to see it, which turned out to be a blessing. There came a day when I was thoroughly and completely ready to have this shortcoming removed (Step Six).

Immediately I felt relieved. I had a path forward! I could ask God to remove it. And then, I grieved. I grieved the loss of my old friend; self-deprecation. I mourned the blank spaces that would be left in my life when God removed it. How was I to cope?

Although it is true that the Seventh Step relies completely on God to actually remove our defects, our commitment to trusting him in all our affairs means that life will change. Here’s how it works for me. Humbly asking means that I cannot presume on God’s timing, but my trust in my Higher Power invites me to believe that he might rush to my aid at any second.

So I practice. I practice not reacting with humiliation. I practice believing that at any second, this plaguing habit might be washed away from me. I journal about all the ways that I see humiliation show up in my interactions with others, my thought life, my feelings and my decision-making. If it smells of humiliation, then I put it on the “do not participate” list of my daily activities. This is step one, with more to follow.

But there is some grief, loss and even self-pity in letting my old friend go. Humiliation does not leave without a fight, which I can respect! I notice how much I am going to miss her. She was my go-to defense. She was a great excuse not to try. She helped keep me in check by limiting my willingness to dare to believe that I can dare greatly.

Meditation Moment

How has the pain of the past distracted you from willingness to move forward and change in the present?

Regret is vain.

Then do not grieve for what you would efface,

The sudden failure of the past, the pain

Of its unwilling change, and the disgrace.

Leave innocence,

And modify your nature by the grief

Which poses to the will indifference

That no desire is permanent in sense.

Take leave of me. What recompense, or pity, or deceit

Can cure, or what assumed serenity

Conceal the mortal loss which we repeat?

The mind will change, and change shall be relief.

-Edgar Bowers, “Amor Vincit Omnia”

Humiliation Versus Humility

The first book I ever wrote was a personal disappointment. I was in a meeting with trusted advisors immediately following its release. They asked me about my experience with the project. I replied, “Well, you know I co-authored it and I really love what my teammate wrote but I dunno, I tried really hard but do not think I contributed much to the project. I am grateful to God for the opportunity, but I see no more of these projects in my future.”

One of my friends replied, “If you do not respect your abilities why should we?”

In his way, he was pointing out my lack of humility. I had a boatload of humiliation and self-doubt but no humility. There are a host of reasons why we might feel humiliated; all of them are unhelpful. Humility accepts what is, as it is. Humiliation is an emotion felt by a person who feels somehow….reduced.

Perhaps we believe that to simply acknowledge our own effort is lame. Shame and humiliation like to hang out together. It’s likely that if we are filled with shame we cannot accept ourselves so we most certainly would never think it appropriate to believe that we are worthy of acceptance or recognition. My unreasonable expectations for myself made it impossible for me to accept my best efforts without a need to denigrate them. This attitude practically begs the listener to reassure me, encourage me and deny my own fear of failure by providing me with positive words of affirmation. This is an unreasonable demand to place on others. A simple question about a project turns into a triggered moment that ultimately reveals an area where I have more recovery work to explore.

In the meeting rooms they have a saying that folks in recovery have a propensity for simultaneously experiencing: a feeling of grandiosity along with a debilitating inferiority complex. I can relate. Others call it “egomania with an inferiority complex”. However we label it, this is a problem the Seventh Step addresses.

What and Who Are You Living For?

There is a point at which everything becomes simple and there is no longer any question of choice, because all you have staked will be lost if you look back. Life’s point of no return.

-Dag Hammarskjöld, Markings

I became much more serious about my strength and conditioning when my grandchildren were born. I INTEND to be the kind of grandmother that is as strong as I can be for as long as I can be with them. I like going to trampoline parks with them and actually participating in their shenanigans. What about you? What are you living FOR that inspires you to let go of the habits that no longer serve you well?

Cost/Benefit Analysis

Any habit that we have developed has perceived benefits - even the ones that turn on us. No one ever gets addicted to carrots. Example: If I discover during the course of my recovery work that one of my shortcomings is dishonesty, I need to ask how has this served me?

When I was a kid, telling my folks what they wanted to hear acted as a form of protection from conversations I did NOT want to have - we were not that great at dealing with conflict or conversations in general. One of the ways dishonesty showed up for me was defensive behaviors. People don’t mess as much with the feisty kid who refuses to listen to name calling. If my dad was going to call me stupid, then he was going to have to put up with me defending my intelligence for at least 20 minutes. Honesty in the situation would have required me to talk with someone about how afraid I was that my dad might be right. Maybe I was stupid.

What habits do you have that are no longer serving you well but you are still using? It’s helpful to acknowledge how they once served a purpose. It makes it a tiny bit easier to let them go!