Building Better Skills

Last year I taught a class for married couples, something I had avoided doing for about ten years. For one thing, who am I to teach on marriage? I’ve only been married 42 years; I’ve only had one husband. Really, my experience is pretty limited.

People kept asking and I caved. But the timing felt right. Scott and I had been working on learning some new skills. They seemed to be a good fit for a discussion on marriage. The more I learned, the less I knew. I became increasingly aware of the distance between my intentions and my reality. And honestly - this is a good thing. Certainty is a relationship killer.

It also confirms what Richard Bach said, “We teach best what we most need to learn.”

I was prepared to teach a class on marriage when I realized how desperately I needed to work on my own. The main clue was exposed when I noticed how we struggle to really listen to each other. After knowing each other for 48 years, it is easy to assume we can complete each other’s sentences. Sometimes we can. I can predict with amazing accuracy what Pete is going to yell at coaches, players and refs during UVA football and basketball games. But do I know what he is most afraid of? Do I know what he is interested in us accomplishing in the next ten years of our lives? Maybe not.

This listening deficit is not exclusive to my marriage; it really is much broader than that. But, it seems to me, in marriage, if we are not listening well to one another, if we cannot validate one another, if we cannot mess up and make amends with one another, the loneliness will kill us.

So how do we get better at listening? As I suspected, it turns out it is a teachable skill set. And I want to talk about it. Write about it. And eventually get around to wrestling with why we need to improve our listening skills as a function of learning how to repair broken relationships.

A Word of Encouragement...

“God removes shortcomings by mobilizing people to do what they need to do to fix their problems.”

-Terence T. Gorski, Understanding the Twelve Steps

The one true thing I know about the Seventh Step is that the removal of shortcomings is mysterious and can be miraculous. I hear stories from men and women who have experienced miraculous and instantaneous removal of shortcomings, cravings, and even their addiction.

This is not my story. My story is one small next right step at a time, with lots of side trips and detours along the way. But progress is still a miracle even if it comes slowly and takes vacations at inopportune moments.

The Serenity Prayer speaks to this work, especially the work of this step:

God grant me the serenity

I cannot control my own emotional state. When I am freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional I am not able to lean into my recovery program with much effectiveness. I pray for serenity and follow any suggestion that comes from a reliable source about how to reduce chaos and increase calm (so long as said advice is not illegal or immoral.

to accept the things I cannot change,

There are many things that I want to change that are none of my business. My husband. My children. My circumstances. My next door neighbor who never cuts his grass. But these are not mine to do. Instead I pray for acceptance and a heaping dose of awareness of what is mine to do - and what is not.

the courage to change the things I can,

It is easier to focus on others than myself. I pray for the courage to tell the truth about myself to myself, God and others. Although I am often harsh with myself, I find that others and God are teaching me kindness: kindness towards myself and kindness towards others. When I forget to choose kindness, I am resisting the mercy of God. But when I can find kindness, lo and behold - energy for changing what I can is provided.

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Wisdom. It is a big word and I pray for it to wash over me. When I recognize it, wisdom usually shows up as a quiet inner knowing; nothing grand; certainly nothing grandiose. But beautiful in her simplicity and clarity. May the God of your understanding guide you into all wisdom, courage, acceptance and joy.

A Prayer For You...

May Anne’s truth become ours, as we open the windows and let in the light!

...I’m no longer crouched over the problem, looking furtively over my shoulder. I’m lurching forward in my life gain, and it feels as if someone finally cracked open a window that had been jammed.

-Anne Lamott, Grace (Eventually)

Oh, Blessed Peace...

Step Seven is the final step that focuses on making peace with yourself. One through Three made peace with God. Four through Seven are all about you. Going forward, we will turn our attention to making peace with others. That is why it is vital that we thoroughly embrace the Seventh Step for it offers us a hope for change. In this step, we bring without reservation our shortcomings to God, knowing that we are unable to control them or cast them out. We ask him to remove them and we trust that he will in his time. For people interested in working the Seventh Step, you could do this:

1. In prayer, offer God a specific list of any shortcomings you are willing to have him remove at this time.

2. Ask God to remove each specific defect and replace it with a characteristic that more honestly reflects who you are as a child of his. This alternative characteristic is your intention; it suits who you want to be in life moving forward. When letting one thing go, it is helpful to consider what will take its place!

3. Ask God to give you the strength and awareness to practice living AS IF the defect has been removed and the wherewithal to handle the times when it becomes apparent that your shortcomings are still active.

There may come a time in the future where you have other limitations that you would like to give to God for his removal. Isn’t it awesome to have a structure and process to help us keep moving along in our journey of restoration?

Humanity is Beautiful!

For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.

2 Chronicles 16:9 NIV

I absolutely cannot change my reactions to situations that trigger me. All my old survival instincts kick in and I am off to the races with my shortcomings leading the way. Decades into my recovery and I STILL find myself thinking stinking thoughts, having self-pity parties, and behaving in ways that do not match the person I want to be in this world. Does this mean that God has not removed my shortcomings? Does it mean that he has tried but I hold them so tightly in my hands that even he cannot pry them loose? I do not know.

But the re-occurrences remind me of my humanity, my fragility and my absolute powerlessness over my dependencies. I have noticed one difference. I am not as frustrated by my foibles as I once was because I can see the benefits of humility. I have the capacity for more patience with others as I have learned how to be more patient with myself.

I was in a meeting last night when one gal shamed another for daring to suggest that he might not be attending as many meetings because of her work schedule. Her sponsor, the shame giver said, “Well, my experience is that you will probably relapse because this certainly teaches me that you do not care very much about your recovery.” Ouch.

This young sponsee may not have the inside scoop to understand that this is coming from a place of humiliation, not wisdom. This sponsor is currently going through her own dark night of the soul and not able to quite use her tools of recovery at the moment.

I imagine how differently this reaction could have gone. What if the sponsor had said, “Whoohoo, you getting that job is so great. You are ready for it! How can I help with your schedule? Would you like to meet for lunch on weeks when you cannot make your regular meetings?”

Humility is a beautiful gift. It reminds us that we are only responsible for owning the truth about ourselves. We have no head space for judging others. This step is one that helps us do what we need to do so that humility finds a welcome home in us.