Affirming Others Helps You Become Who YOU Want to Be

I have been trying to practice offering more affirmations over the last few months. I am slow to learn. Like I said a few days ago, it feels like it takes a surprising amount of effort. The reality is, I often just don’t feel like it.

I don’t want to give examples because I don’t want to embarrass anyone who might be reading this, but I can say I have noticed something very strange about offering someone an affirmation: It makes me feel more like...well...me. Or, at least, it makes me feel more like the me I want to be.

I want to be someone who builds others up. I want people who come into contact with me to feel like my presence contributed to their hope, or joy, or sense of belonging (and/or more). When you affirm someone, you can often see very clearly from their facial expressions that you contributed to that person feeling good (or maybe better). And that’s a good feeling.

If you’re struggling to feel like you are truly becoming who you want to be, practice affirming someone. Let them know how much they mean to you. Let them know how much you appreciate their sense of humor, or their wisdom, or their loyalty, or their willingness to help, or their courage, or whatever it is.

Try it. You may find that it makes you a better you.

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

Why Congratulate Someone for Doing What They're Supposed to Do?

I have lived with this attitude for a long time. If someone is doing what they’re supposed to then they shouldn’t be rewarded. People should be rewarded for going above and beyond...not for meeting some recommended minimum...right???

As someone who does not receive affirmation well, the above mentality makes sense to me. But it’s not a super helpful way to think. People are motivated in different ways by different things. Some people will go above and beyond naturally. Some people will naturally coast. Some people will naturally underperform, so to speak. But, regardless, each of these people needs affirmation to keep going over the long haul.

If you want someone to keep doing a behavior that you appreciate, then affirm them. That sends a clear, strong signal that they are headed in a helpful direction.

For example, say you appreciate it when a friend checks in on you via text. Let them know that you appreciate it. If they know that what they’ve done means something to you then they are likely to repeat it. They repeat it because the affirmation lets them now that they are being helpful and people like knowing what to do in order to be helpful.

If we refuse to affirm people because they’re doing what they should be doing...then maybe consider that you should be affirming. [See what I did there? :-) ]

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

Affirming Seems Unnecessary

It’s hard to affirm an adult. It feels uncomfortable. I don’t know if you are like me, but I tend to think that we should correct what needs correcting. When things are working, we don’t really need to say anything because it’s working.

The reality is, if we only correct and never affirm, people feel unnoticed and unappreciated. They feel criticized and bogged down in insecurity and anxiety. They believe they are insignificant or, worse yet, that they are causing harm while doing no good.

Affirming offers people a sense of purpose. They feel seen, recognized, noticed, appreciated, and valued. And, guess what, we need these feelings. When people are built up, they tend to move in positive directions in life. Or, to phrase it differently, they are better able to move in the direction they want to move in...and most people want “good” things for themselves.

Want to make a difference in someone’s life? Affirm them. Notice something they’re doing well and encourage them in it. It feels weird, and perhaps seems unnecessary, but it is so important.

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

Affirming is Important But Difficult

I (Scott) was talking to a parent recently about the relationship between affirmations and consequences in parenting. This parent said they had one child who responded very well to negative consequences (taking something away when an undesirable behavior happens) whereas the other child responded better to positive reinforcement (giving the child something they want to reward a desirable behavior).

Brittany and I do a little bit of both of these, depending on the circumstances, but, by and large, Norah responds better to positive reinforcement. This means that any time she behaves in a way that we want to make a pattern, we use an over-the-top happy parent voice to say, “GREAT JOB BIG GIRL!”

To be honest, it’s exhausting. It’s not in my nature to be over-the-top about anything (surprise, surprise). It feels like pretending, acting, or faking it, and not particularly authentic. But I continue to muster the energy to do it because I see the benefits- Norah loves it. It teaches her what to pursue in life and, even at her young age, she wants to know what is expected of her.

When it comes to adult relationships, it feels even more difficult, perhaps even unnecessary, to affirm those around us. We’ll discuss this in more detail tomorrow. Until then, spend some time reflecting on the verse below:

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

Roll Up Your Sleeves!

Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.

Aristotle

Our “doing” center of intelligence mobilizes our energy to act on the thoughts and feelings of the other two centers. If we cannot act on what we believe is right and what we feel is fair, no one benefits from our thoughts or feelings. Through its capacity for imagination and innovation, it steadily moves toward completion of the tasks that vision and value call for. It is best at creativity.

Well. First off, I struggle to trust what I believe and give it the thumbs up for being right. And I am not great at fairness. Honestly. I’m not. Objectivity is not my strong suit. I am reactive, especially when I feel like someone is putting my peeps in danger or not looking out for the interests of the common good.

My heart breaks when I see how hard it is for us to listen to one another. I cannot believe it when folks don’t seem to understand their value and worth. It drives me crazy when people are so quick to judge others and justify themselves - especially when that person is me!!! Shouldn’t I know better? As my grandchildren like to say, “Oh yes you should!”

So when my feelings are hurt and my thinking is stinking, what saves my bacon is rolling up my sleeves. Do the next right thing. I have found value in doing inconvenient things for people who would not do the same for me. I find that I am better balanced when I focus on doing the next right thing without evaluating whether or not it will make a damn bit of difference.

Can we do all that we want in the age of the coronavirus? No. But there is still plenty to do. We can phone friends; we can deliver gifts to people and leave them on their doorsteps (thanks Julie for teaching me that one); we can use funny emoji’s and text people. We can try to be kind. Did I mention also that we can show up for annoying zoom meetings? (Misery loves company.)

May you find your doing groove this week!

So roll up your sleeves, put your mind in gear, be totally ready to receive the gift that’s coming when Jesus arrives. Don’t lazily slip back into those old grooves of evil, doing just what you feel like doing. You didn’t know any better then; you do now. As obedient children, Let yourselves be pulled into a way of life shaped by God’s life, a life energetic and blazing with holiness. God said, “I am holy; you be holy.”

1 Peter 1:13-16 The Message