Perfectly Imperfectly Human

“Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.”

Brene Brown

Imperfect. Imperfectly human. Made in the image of God. Still, with all that image-bearing potential, we are imperfect. My grandchildren are wonderfully made and completely embracing their imperfections. I wish I were able to do the same with my own imperfections.

No healthy adult burdens a child with character assassinations simply for being imperfectly human. When one of my grandkids grabs, scratches or hits the other - the offender is removed and given a break. They sit. They count. They breathe. They return to the family activity. No one accuses them of being mean or violent or selfish or rude because those are judgment words. If we can manage as a family to NOT assassinate their character as we continue to train them in righteousness, I don’t think either one of them will be tempted to turn to serial killing for sport. But not everyone is so lucky.

During quarantine I’ve been cleaning out the corners of my house. I finally got around to old family photos, trying to pare them down to a more manageable size. I found old pictures of myself from all stages of life and I thought: Wow. I looked normal. This is NOT the message I received from a few of the people I loved and looked up to. These messages fundamentally changed me in ways I still have to account for in terms of my mental health self-care. Did anyone intend harm? I doubt it. I do believe we are all doing the best we can AND sometimes our best is not very effective. How have imperfections been handled in your world? More on suggestions for change tomorrow.

Lovingkindness Embodied

“Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”

Brene Brown

After my Uncle’s storm blew over, he looked spent and took his leave. Everyone offered a farewell in muted shock. There are plenty of people we might expect to blow their top in my family - this guy wasn’t one of them.

For whatever reason, and I suppose to no one’s surprise, I couldn’t let this go. I trailed behind him and leaned into the driver’s side door, my elbows and forearms screaming as they touched the hot metal of his Buick. He rolled down his window. I leaned in close.

“Uncle James, you do not seem to know this, but my mother loves you to pieces and you just devastated her. She admires you. She thinks you are the best Christian man she has ever known in her entire life and I have no reason to doubt her assessment. I don’t have any idea what happened in the past, but I am sure you have suffered more than she has over the years as a result of the decisions previous generations have made. My mom doesn’t have men in her life that she can call ‘good’. You’re it. Please fix this.”

I never saw him again. But I did learn that he fixed it with my mom. It didn’t take much because my mom was a primed pump ready to pour out her love on this older brother who was treated at best like a welcomed guest in her childhood home. My mother, a little acorn who, in my opinion, was not particularly well nourished herself and often lived in inhospitable conditions for growing lovingkindness, was a mighty oak tree of hesed.

Me? Not so much. I harbored resentment toward him. I am still cautious around folks claiming the label “good Christian.” But I have to give James credit; he made a wrong right. So although it was hurtful and messy, it turns out that my Uncle James was indeed a man capable of lovingkindness.

“Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.”

Brene Brown

A Tale of Lovingkindness..

“What we know matters but who we are matters more.”

Brene Brown

My mother grew up as an only child, but she wasn’t one. Here’s what happened. My grandfather married a woman and had a little boy they named James. When James was a baby, his mother died of food poisoning. My grandfather went hunting and found a lovely young woman and married her with some haste. But not hastily enough. Since my grandfather had to work and knew nothing about raising no babies, James went to live with his paternal grandparents. When my grandfather remarried, he went to fetch James but his mother would not give him back. I judged my grandfather for his lack of rigorous pursuit in retrieving James. I suspect my mom did too.

My mother loved her brother with endless abandon. I was never quite sure where he stood in regards to his feelings about her until my grandfather died. The work of caring for my grandmother, closing up her home and resettling her with my mom, fell to my mom. She didn’t mind. My grandmother only had one specific request: make sure James gets his mother’s sewing machine. It was one of those antique wooden cabinets with the large pedal? I loved that thing.

It was a hot and humid August day when we drove down to clear out the house. James came by to pick up the machine late in the afternoon of the final day of moving. My mother was thrilled to see him. He, in turn, unleashed upon her decades of anger and resentment. No one in that house stood up for mother; they just listened as he ranted and raved. Now mind you, my poor mom had done everything in her power to love her brother. When his wife left him with a young child to run off with another man? My mother took that little boy into our home until James had found him another bride. And unlike her grandmother, she gave him back when asked. She had asked him to take ANYTHING from the house he wanted - frankly, there wasn’t much. He hadn’t even wanted the sewing machine, but my mom insisted on that point.

I was appalled. My entire life I had heard what a great Christian man my uncle was - is this what that meant? Was this hesed? No. But the story continues…

You Were Created for Lovingkindness

“I thought faith would say, ‘I’ll take away the pain and discomfort,’ but what it ended up saying was, ‘I’ll sit with you in it.’”

Brene Brown

If an acorn carries within the potential to become an oak tree, what potential is hidden within the frame of the lowly zygote? Many wisdom teachers believe that as an oak tree is to an acorn, lovingkindness is to a zygote.

A lot can go wrong along the way. Before hurricanes wiped out many of our trees, we had a kazillion acorns each autumn strewn across our backyard, driveway, gutters and flower beds. Did I think of their potential? No, I thought they were a pain in the neck and it hurt like hell when I stepped on one barefoot.

When I was growing up, did I look in the mirror and think, “Dang, girl, you have the potential for lovingkindness?” Sadly, no. No one ever told me about this wisdom teaching.

If you, like me, were never told this before, grab a mirror, stare into your beautiful eyes and repeat after me, “You were created for lovingkindness.” The happiest you will ever be are the moments when you express your most authentic self of lovingkindness. Repeat this every morning, noon and night until your head believes your heart. Because your heart knows it is true.

And when you know, you can do. And as you do, you will become more confident in your knowing. And when your knowing and doing align in lovingkindness, your heart will sing with joy. And you will be able to sit with God and others in contentment.

Lovingkindness for the Sake of Lovingkindness

“Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of ‘You’re not alone.’”

Brene Brown

If I were going to nominate a queen for the tuna casserole festival, it would be Brene Brown. Her research, writings and talks on vulnerability, authenticity, shame and leadership make my toes tingle with gratitude. She offers a gentle, cuss-ladened, boot wearing, raucous laughing voice filled with curiosity and questions in a world that has been overrun by shouting and certainty.

Empathy may have no script but it sure as heck knows how to whip up a tuna casserole. Please, please, please, do not miss this point. The world is not healed by our certainties, opinions, or beliefs. The world does not flourish via the grand gesture. Or, to quote Brene -

“Don’t try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer.” What can we do? We ask. How can we make the world a better place? Here are some ancient suggestions that have seen others through during times of darkness. Be Consistent. Be Reliable. Be Steadfast. Be Unconditional in lovingkindness. It is meant, I think, to be our default position. It is NORMAL.

The way we are living in this day and age is NOT NORMAL. It is not conducive to thriving. The great thing about lovingkindness is that it does NOT depend on reciprocity. We simply make it part and parcel of our character, not as a bartering chip or self-esteem building.

Too hard? Well of COURSE it is hard, if it were easy, every jackass would do it. #don’tbeajackass #serveupatunacasserole