Playing Well With Others

“Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.”

Brene Brown

Michelle is in a pickle. She is legitimately worried about Kevin. Kevin does have a problem. But instead of using the force of her quiet but formidable will, she chooses a different path. See, Michelle has not been sleepwalking through the decades of her marriage; this gal has been taking notes.

She understands that if she is arguing with her husband for change and he is arguing against it, the end result will be disappointing for all concerned. She and Kevin have a pattern when faced with ambivalence (we all do). When Kevin is faced with a request to change his behavior, he gets angry. He starts pacing and waving his arms; he gets annoyed and irritated; he justifies his position and announces his unwillingness to change. This works for Michelle. She can then resort to her patterns of ambivalence and the problem remains unresolved (but she can blame Kevin for it). This does not work for Kevin and Michelle the couple. Michelle has her own ambivalent patterns. She gets defensive, feels overwhelmed by Kevin’s energy and quickly withdraws all of hers. She turns passive, feels discouraged, and disengages. This works for Kevin; but it does not work for Kevin and Michelle the couple. If you’ve been married for 15 minutes or work at a job that requires playing well with others - basically, if you are not living in a cave and eating berries - you know this dance. But have you ever owned your part in it?

How do you respond when someone is trying to “help” you? What does this cost you? Who loses?

* Angry

* Defensive

* Uncomfortable

* Powerless

Working Through Ambivalence

“To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees – these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. But, I’m learning that recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude and grace.”

Brene Brown

Why, after 40 years of a solid marriage and decades of friendship, would Kevin resist the urgings of those he loves to examine his lifestyle and consider making changes?

In a word - ambivalence. And Kevin is not the only one in the system that is ambivalent. Michelle is ambivalent too. She is not interested in rocking the boat to the point of sinking the ship. They have a good life. Several of her friends are going through messy divorces - she doesn’t want that! She just wants Kevin to stop drinking quite so much; she wants to get back to normal. Kevin’s friends are ambivalent as well. They have enjoyed years of golf and beer, fundraisers and wine tastings, dinner and drinks, brunch and margaritas. This is how it has always been - why mess with a good thing? Plus, these guys have mutual business interests. Kevin is a rainmaker (a person who brings clients, money, or prestige to his contacts). No one wants to mess with success! And the kids? One of them agrees with mom and is concerned; the other two think mom is overreacting. Does Michelle want to cause dissension within the family? No she does not.

The place most of us get stuck on the road to change is ambivalence. This is because any invitation to change, especially when it is driven by a legitimate need for change, can be approached from multiple angles. Arguments both for and against change live within each person involved in the situation. This is such an ordinary problem when facing change that I wonder why we do not take it more seriously when we are asking another person to consider changing?

* When you think about changing, what are your pro and con arguments that you hash and rehash in your head?

Reluctance and Change

“The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.”

Brene Brown

Michelle’s husband is an energetic sort: successful, fun-loving, extroverted and not prone to much introspection. At home, he lets his guard down and can be moody, even brooding. She chalked his increasing moodiness up to the stressors of work and the shifting of circumstances. This was before covid-19 hit. They were entering that stage of life when the kids were launching with varying degrees of success and their bodies were beginning to squawk with signs of aging. In response, she went back to work, took up yoga and got a good nutritionist; he doubled down on his favorite distractions.

This included working and playing hard while lubricating every situation with alcohol. Unfortunately, this tried and true method of managing stress was no longer working - from Michelle’s perspective. After a few embarrassing incidents with the inevitable follow up conversations the next morning, Michelle understood with clarity that Kevin was on a completely different page. He did NOT think he had a problem, except for maybe her. The natural response at this point would be for Michelle to redouble her efforts at convincing Kevin that he had a problem. This might involve asking others to support her efforts to change Kevin. Maybe one or more of the kids, perhaps the family physician, certainly she would turn to her girlfriends for support and ideas. Michelle might not be the only person advocating for change - there was a rumor going around among the wives. It seems like a boys’ golf weekend went awry and the other guys had a word with Kevin about his shenanigans. Kevin rebuffed her inquiry as to what went wrong.

There are powerful forces working against change in this system. Tomorrow, we’ll list a few of those, but for today, let me ask you:

* What is a problem that you THINK you need to address, but are reluctant to do so? (It can be yours or a loved one’s.)

What Can We Do Differently?

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”

Brene Brown

If shame feeds hiding, all manner of illnesses and unproductive conflict without meaningful solutions - what could we do differently? Recently a friend of mine was faced with a common but extremely stressful situation. She realized her husband had moved beyond social drinking into the territory of, “Holy cow, we’ve got a problem.”

This is how she handled it. She changed her life. Interesting, right? Her husband has A PROBLEM and she resists the urge to fix it. Or him. This is SO counter-intuitive. And I was so curious about her unique approach to loving him. As best I can, based on a series of interviews, I want to spend the next few days unpacking her process. But please do not mistake this unraveling of a thread in the mosaic of her life as a tutorial on treating substance use disorder. It is not that. It is, I hope and pray, a road map for spiritual renewal.

If you’d like to use this time to journal and process a problem you have, that would be awesome! Each day will have a prompt for your consideration - if you do not need a prompt, do not use it! In preparation, will you join me in prayer?

Lord, you are worthy to be praised with my every breath, loved with my entire soul, served with my every act. You love me, receive me, wash, clothe and support me. When I am sightless, deaf , unable to receive your joys and know your thoughts, you love me nonetheless. Your Spirit seeks me, renews me, gives me spiritual perception, opening me to your presence - light, guide, solace and delight. Your presence is a gift, not to be grabbed or earned; no lack on my part can rip me from your lovingkindness. Help me - help us - walk by your side, lean into your strength that together, we might be salt of the earth and a blessing to all.

Amen

What Has Not Worked...

Here is what has not worked. Someone suggested that although the concept is theoretically good we probably do not have the chops to execute it. Leave this kind of work up to the big boys, they suggest. You know, those with corporate chops or perhaps government funding. Stick to what you know. Preach. Visit the sick. Host some karaoke nights. After all, pastors are prone to some crazy notions about inclusivity and love that will hinder our capacity to be ruthless in our pursuit of success. And...in case I had not noticed, I am an old white woman and that certainly limits my value.

These statements are no less valid than the encouraging ones. I am old. I am white. I have boobs that once kept babies alive through the magic of lactation. I do want to succeed at this venture but it is a proven fact that I am not particularly ruthless. (Although I can have my moments and a little healthy respect for my capacity to burst into flames of righteous indignation should probably be considered before throwing gas on my fire.)

The problem all these true statements have in common is that they are not helpful. They do not inspire me or our team in any way. They offer no path forward for improvement. My son asked me how I felt about the feedback. I told him that it feels awful to be reminded of all the ways I am judged as “less than.” But I also told him that this was not new territory for me. BECAUSE I am old, I have the experience to know that I do have limitations that have resulted in epic fails or diminished opportunities. AND in spite of those limitations, sometimes crazy ideas turn out to be good ones.

In the spirit of vulnerability I need to say this. If we do not give up, if the coronavirus doesn’t stall our plans or wipe out our church, if we try this new thing - this conversation will not be part of my inspiration for doing a new hard thing. It only takes one little outside voice to awaken the inner voice of doubt and shame and never-good-enough that lives within me. Nevertheless, I will persist.