Identifying the Problem

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”

Brene Brown

As a result of the conversation Kevin initiated Michelle had enough information to formulate a plan for what she needed. She could see a pathway through to problem solving and it occurred to her that there might be more options than rehab or a scary intervention. In a nutshell, here was her summary:

“I realized that I could now identify my problem without making it Kevin’s. I HAD A PROBLEM with Kevin’s behaviors when he had too much to drink. From a handful of examples, I chose a couple to illustrate my point - leaving out the golf trip because it seemed so extreme and easily dismissed as a fluke. I was able to go back to Kevin and share my perspective and my needs. What could he say? At that point, it was not about him, it was about me. I was asking him for help.”

Here is her list:

1. I need an expert to weigh in and evaluate your health, including your drinking. I think it is a problem, but I could be wrong. I need more facts to feel less anxious about your health.

2. I need to feel safe when we go out.

3. I need reassurance that alcohol is not going to mess up our family or our friendships. [Notice she said alcohol, not HIS drinking.)

* As related to your problem, what do you need? Write it down.

PS. All the blogs about mediation were inspired by a talk given by Denise Carl during a Family Education Meeting one Thursday evening, on August 27th. She referenced Robert Myers and as the original source. Mistakes in interpreting Denise’s teaching are all mine. Hers was perfect.

From Conflict to Connection

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”

Brene Brown

Kevin was rattled by the conversation. He was used to the dance he and Michelle usually had when problems arose. This felt different to him. He was anxious. That’s good news, from my perspective. Previously Kevin had not appeared anxious about the issues around his drinking - those feelings were Michelle’s. (This does not mean Kevin wasn’t anxious; he just wasn’t showing it.) Michelle actually felt calmer after getting this “secret” off her chest. He now knew that she knew and that felt like a move in a positive direction. For the first time ever on this subject Kevin initiated the next conversation. He had no notes nor was he using mediation skills. He told her he was angry that she had been gossiping about him with “the girls” and how dare she? He was really pissed at his friends for carrying back his story to their wives. Man, he felt betrayed. There was much Michelle could have said, and the old Michelle might have done so! She could have said, “There wouldn’t have been a story to bring back if you hadn’t acted like an idiot!” OR “I can not believe you even put me in this position, and now you’re mad at ME? Or the guys?” But she didn’t. She remained open. She was curious. “I hear that you are really upset with me and our friends. If I felt like our friends were talking about me, I’d be upset too.” She resisted the temptation to talk. She listened. He vented. She nodded and maintained eye contact and learned. The more he vented, the more he had to say. About work and his boss and their daughter who was “wasting her life on that damn boy”. She made observations and always followed up with, “What’s your perspective?” They made a connection.

* How could you get curious about your situation? Who could broaden your perspective with a different slant?

PS. All the blogs about mediation were inspired by a talk given by Denise Carl during a Family Education Meeting one Thursday evening, on August 27th. She referenced Robert Myers and _______ as the original source. Mistakes in interpreting Denise’s teaching are all mine. Hers was perfect.

Checking the Facts...

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”

Brene Brown

Michelle begins. “So. Marsha told me what happened. I wanted to check the story with you since it is second-hand. She says you got really drunk Saturday night, got belligerent with Bill and ended up breaking some stuff in the rental house. I understand it was $1,000 worth of damages, which you paid for. I also understand that the guys were worried about your behavior and tried to get you to talk about it, but you refused. Do I have the facts right?”

Notice what Michelle did NOT say. “How could you have behaved so badly?” “You have embarrassed me/yourself/us.”“What if the kids find out?” On and on she could have gone, setting him up to feel shame, remorse and maybe really, really defensive. She did none of that. He corrected her on a couple of points: the damage was $900, and the guys were not worried, they were MAD. Now, she could quibble. But she doesn’t. She doesn’t address the guy’s reaction and kind of regrets putting that in her notes. She acknowledges that the math was off without asking him what in the world $100 difference makes!

She notices that she feels nervous and his face reddens. She does what any decent mediator does, she backs off. “Well, thanks for letting me fact check. This felt like a wall between me and you, and to be honest, between me and the wives. I do not know what to do with all this, I love you.”

* What are the signs you notice in yourself or others that indicates it is time to back out of the conversation until calm is re-established?

PS. All the blogs about mediation were inspired by a talk given by Denise Carl during a Family Education Meeting one Thursday evening, on August 27th. She referenced Robert Myers as the original source. Mistakes in interpreting Denise’s teaching are all mine. Hers was perfect.

Accepting Imperfections

“Our job is not to deny the story, but to defy the ending—to rise strong, recognize our story, and rumble with the truth until we get to a place where we think, Yes. This is what happened. And I will choose how the story ends.”

Brene Brown

She waited patiently for a good time. She didn’t push it. She was trusting that she was supported and held by a God who loved her and him, and she could bide her time. Finally, a little thing called a pandemic hit. And they were quarantined at home alone. One morning, after a great breakfast, she took the plunge.

“Kevin, I need to apologize to you. Last week when I asked you about your golfing trip, I was not very clear about my intentions. I apologize. That being said, I would like to try to repair that previous conversation by taking a bit more responsibility for my lack of clarity.” He tries to downplay it and move on to another subject.

“I appreciate your forgiveness, I really do. But I have an issue here, it is mine, I need to address it and it is not good for us if I sweep it under the rug. I love you and I want you and me and us to be good. Can you listen to me for a few minutes?” He slumps back in his chair at the kitchen table and reluctantly agrees.

* What imperfections do you need to accept about yourself before proceeding? We all have them. It’s important to own them and be aware of them.

PS. All the blogs about mediation were inspired by a talk given by Denise Carl during a Family Education Meeting one Thursday evening, on August 27th. She referenced Robert Myers as the original source. Mistakes in interpreting Denise’s teaching are all mine. Hers was perfect.

Qualities of a Good Mediator

“Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect.”

Brene Brown

Michelle learned in her mediation classes that a good mediator stays neutral, leads with facts, does not attack or accuse. They stick to behaviors without making judgments.

When Michelle decided that the pain of the unspoken embarrassment about the golf weekend was more than she could stand, she took a second run at Kevin. This time, she got her facts straight before she circled back to Kevin.

It KILLED her that all her girlfriends had more information than she did about what happened. Although she had tried to appear nonchalant initially, eventually she had to go to her most trusted friend in the group and get vulnerable.

“I am very uncomfortable and it is affecting all my relationships in the group. You guys know more than I do about the debacle. Kevin is mum. I know this is probably not something you want to share, you may feel like it is gossip, but at this point, doesn’t it seem that the cat is out of the bag and I’m left holding the bag?” Her friend agreed and shared the facts. Michelle was better prepared to talk to Kevin. Tomorrow you will hear what she said, which we actually know because she took notes and memorized a script. Sometimes when things are so very important, this is helpful.

* What facts do you need to gather? What judgments and assumptions do you need to set aside before proceeding with problem solving?

PS. All the blogs about mediation were inspired by a talk given by Denise Carl during a Family Education Meeting one Thursday evening, on August 27th. She referenced Robert Myers as the original source. Mistakes in interpreting Denise’s teaching are all mine. Hers was perfect.