The Truth About Loneliness

It FEELS like loving people should not be lonely. It FEELS like loving our spouse and kids and friends and community should fill our love buckets to the brim and overflowing. And if I have to choose between the life I have - one with a spouse who is still my boyfriend, great kids who keep providing me more people to love by marrying and having children, friends I have had and loved for eons (one since we were months old) versus a life of isolation - I CHOOSE MY LIFE. My love bucket is filled to the brim and overflowing and I know how absolutely blessed I am to have it.

And I am lonely. Not all the time, but enough to know that loneliness is not an indicator of how much one loves or is loved.

Loneliness has been demonized as a function of depression or seasonal affective disorder - and I am sure that is true and good to know. Loneliness is a feature of postpartum depression and dementia and alcohol use disorder. If you google it, nothing positive pops up. There are loneliness quotes, synonyms and symptoms. There are articles on the science of loneliness and how it can kill you. All very dire stuff and probably true enough.

Monophobia is a disorder that describes an extreme fear of being alone and it explains that sufferers are incapable of functioning solo. Deprived of company, they experience panic attacks and are often gripped by a paralyzing fear of death.

I wonder if all this fear mongering about loneliness has marginalized us from some of the more healthy spiritual practices that might just help us grow spiritually?

I continue to be struck by the outrage of Americans demanding to return to church in the middle of a pandemic. Are they right? Is failing to congregate going to be as deadly as COVID-19?

Let’s explore that. Stay tuned.

When Jesus heard what had happened, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place.

Matthew 14:13 NIV

Certainty is a Security Blanket...

Don’t surrender all your joy for an idea you used to have about yourself that isn’t true anymore.

Cheryl Strayed

I often ask people I Zoom with about what they want - from me, for their life, to change. It’s a serious question. Here are some of the answers I have heard this past month:

I want to get my kids back from social services.

I want to lose weight so that I can feel good about myself.

I want to save my marriage.

I want to escape my marriage.

I want to travel again.

I want to find my one true love.

I want a job so that I can move out of my parents’ house.

I want to express my passion through a job that fulfills me.

I want to take a nap or sleep through the night again.

I want my brother to talk to me.

I want my mother to not be dead so that she can see me grow up.

Sometimes I feel like the best thing I can do for others is to scavenge through their memory banks and haul out moments of joy to remind them that life is not always about what is missing. Sometimes I feel like the hardest thing I do for others is to hold up a mirror while yelling (in my head), “Do you see this? This here? Are you paying attention? You are not going to get your kids back if you keep smoking crack. Is really and truly the most important thing about you how much you WEIGH for god’s sake?” On and on my questions go. Questions I ask myself on days when how much I weigh does indeed feel like the measure of my worth. Questions I ask myself about why my baby brother and I no longer speak. Questions I ask about so many of the people I have cared about who are no longer with their loved ones - lost to life in ways that feel….preventable, unnecessary, a mistake.

It is good to dig for joy; it is also important to dig deep and confront ourselves about our notions of truth, reality, and certainty. I’m told by people who study such things that certainty is not a sign of wisdom or even maturity. It’s more like a security blanket we use to protect ourselves from hard truths and painful feelings. Let’s crawl out from under the oppression of our certainty and see what God might be willing to do for us.

Love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe.

American proverb of unknown origin

Give Up...

Never give in.

Winston Churchill

Would it be possible for 2021 to be more confusing, chaotic and terrifying than 2020? I dunno. But just in case 2021 does not prove to be magically delicious and delightedly different?

Never give in.

Never give in to your certainty.

Never give in to your baser instincts.

Never give in to your tendency to trust and follow only people who think like you, feel like you, do what you do - or wish you could do.

Never give in.

This is not the same thing as giving up. I encourage you to give up on things that no longer serve you - like your habitual ways of self-soothing, or the tendency to forget yourself in favor of catering to the needs and wants of others who you hope will love you.

Give up on your certainty - it is not serving you or the world well.

Give up on living only by your instincts. If God wanted us to live only by instinct, he could have eliminated the prefrontal cortex from his schematic drawings of the human brain.

Give up on finding that one person who completes you. Or that ONE expert who knows all the answers to your pressing problems. This is how we accidentally end up in a cult.

It turns out that it is perhaps true that maturity and wisdom have eluded us not because we did not desire to be both mature and wise but because we do not understand what they look like or the paths that lead to both.

Let’s talk about that in the days ahead. And pray. Let’s pray:

God, I offer my life into your loving care. I turn my will over to you.

I pray that you will guide me and keep me clear, clean, sober in thought word and deed.

I pray that your loving light will guide and sustain every breath I take.

Amen

New Year's Day

New Year is a big deal in the northern parts of England and Scotland. I’m not talking about fireworks and hangovers. Although I’m sure that may be a side-effect of their traditions. The first day of each New Year friends go from home to home wishing each other a good year ahead and celebrating their intentions with food and plenty of drink. (So maybe hangovers are part of the tradition.) Once midnight has passed, families consider the first guest over the threshold as a particular honor.

Doesn’t that just sound amazing? To imagine that we could just run all willy nilly over to each others’ homes with abandon and no concern for who might have the coronavirus? Ahhh Heaven! And to think we once took it all for granted!!

Here is a prayer traditionally spoken on New Year’s Day:

This day is a new day that has never been before.

This year is a new year, the opening door.

Enter, Lord Christ - we have joy in Your coming.

You have given us life; and we welcome Your coming.

I turn now to face You, I lift up my eyes.

Be blessing my face, Lord: be blessing my eyes.

May all my eye looks on be blessed and be bright, my neighbours, my loved ones be blessed in Your sight.

You have given us life and we welcome Your coming.

Be with us, Lord, we have joy, we have joy.

This year is a new year, the opening door.

Be with us, Lord, we have joy, we have joy.

Amen.

A Prayer on the Eve of a New Year

A prayer on the eve of a new year…

Lord, I realize that you want to be found by us! How awesome to know that you love us. That your eyes rove to and fro across the earth, looking for one man fully devoted to you so that you might strengthen him. Oh Father, we want to be that person! We know of your generosity, and we trust that no matter how many faithful you find—you will have provision to strengthen all you see.

We know also that you are filled with compassion when you look and find the workers scarce. You never reign down upon us your condemnation. Instead, you are patient with us. Even as we live in bondage (some self-imposed), you in your infinite wisdom and mercy, make provision to set us free. We are created to be free! Imagine that?

This freedom cannot be bought, bartered, or begged for—only you can provide it for us. When we meet the Spirit of the Lord and find our freedom, we become a reflection of His glory. This is a process; the transformation takes place in “every-increasing glory.” This glory is a bestowed glory, a reflection of your glory, Lord, a truth so profound that it eliminates any hint of arrogance or pride or perfection. It is a humbling glory, but glory indeed—a shining that draws others to us. We are ready to carry your message of hope to hurting people. And on those occasions when we are not, say at the end of a year of a pandemic, heal our hurting hurts and give us the rest we need for the journey ahead. Lead us as you see fit.

Amen.