We Cannot Give What We Do Not Have

You have to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. Because it’s only when we love ourselves that we feel worthy of someone else’s love.

Alyssa B. Sheinmel

When I first heard about “self love” all I could think of was narcissism. For many reasons, I have spent my whole life hoping this was NOT a trait I would carry with me in life. So I scoffed at this idea of loving one’s self. I resisted it. I feared it.

If “learning to love yourself” sounds more like psycho-babble than a thing to you, ok, I get it. But I have found new words that resonate more with me that capture this idea that we cannot give away what we do not possess. How about this?

You cannot respect others if you do not know how to respect yourself. You will not require others to respect you, if you cannot lead the way in showing them how.

You cannot treat others with dignity unless you require others to treat with the dignity you plan to return.

You cannot recognize the inherent worth of others unless you recognize and celebrate your own inherent worth.

We cannot give what we do not have.

So if loving yourself, although biblical, feels just a smidge out of reach - try these principles on and see if progress can be made!

A Cord That is Unbreakable

Friendship isn’t about who you’ve known the longest. It’s about who walked into your life, said, ‘I’m here for you,’ and proved it.

In designing our new website, my son decided we needed headshots in a pandemic no less! So he set up a “studio” and got to work. In an effort to get me to smile (I’m not a fan of having my picture taken) he said, “Think about Ruby Street.” And there it was - I smiled. Whichever one of the hundreds of shots he took, I hope this one turns out to be the picture he uses on the website.

My son has never been to Ruby Street, it was before his time. But he and everyone else I love knows that this modest little street in Durham, NC was a place of sanctuary for me that always makes me smile. My grandparents welcomed me with open arms and ice cream. The neighborhood children allowed me to join them in summer games. I found a second home and siblings-from-another-mother in the family next door - the Harwards.

Times are tough right now, and during my growing up years, the Jones kids and the Harward kids all saw seasons of trouble. But I can tell you this - when you have friends who prove, over and over again that they are there for you? You can not only survive, you can thrive.

I believe this to be true. For whatever reason, we saw, we see, the best in each other. Spread up and down the east coast, with one out west, and one deceased, we do not hang out often. Mostly we gather at the funerals of our parents - sadly, a recent new ritual. But there is facebook and an inevitable connection that comes when you commit, sometimes at an early age, to being here for one another.

If you do not have a relationship or two or three like this, start today. Be there for someone. It will not be the grand gestures that make it true, it will be the small things, the absolutely precious moments in the here-and-now that can build a bond, or as the scriptures say, a cord, that is unbreakable - even in a pandemic.

Sinking Into the Moments…

I don’t believe we’re meant to ‘get through’ our lives. It might take a lifetime of practice, but I think we’re meant to sink into the moments and really LIVE the days we’ve been given.

Erica Layne

Our family seriously quarantined this past summer, which left two preschoolers with no preschool or other activities. All four parents and two available grandparents have full time jobs. We were busy being available and flexible as a team. Mornings during the week were spent at Meme’s summer camp; it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

By summer’s end, it was golden. They had learned to cooperate more and compete less. I saw more tenderness and less territorial bickering over who would get to use which swing, squirt the hose, sit in Pop’s lap, blow bubbles with the blue wand, eat their protein bars with or without a wrapper.

Our schedule is more manageable now but I miss sinking into the moment and really LIVING the day I was given with those two characters. Whether I thought I could afford it or not, my mornings were spent in the sun, playing. I played with chalk, sat in the kiddie pool, pushed the swing, caught a giggling girl as she charged down the slide. I also administered first aid and handed out consequences. I sweated bullets. Some days I needed a nap in the afternoon, further cutting into my productive work time. I would not change a thing.

Norah talks so well now that she can tell me she needs her privacy; Christian is starting to look like a boy who will soon head off to kindergarten. My babies are growing up. If there is gratitude I can find in the pandemic - and there is much to be grateful for - tops on my list is the uninterrupted time I had with these two little humans.

If you’re “getting through” the pandemic and that is absolutely your best case scenario, awesome. But...if you could find a way to seek out gratitude and resilience, it is possible to find moments to sink into! I hope you find a few!!

The Courageousness of Resilience

Now, every time I witness a strong person, I want to know: What darkness did you conquer in your story? Mountains do not rise without earthquakes.

Katherine Mackenett

We’ve all heard the age old saying “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” It’s wrong. Stuff that “doesn’t kill us” is survivable, but often barely. The statistics are clear even before the pandemic - our nation is suffering from a crisis of epic proportions not related to Covid - mental health and substance use disorders are rampant. Today, their toll is almost incalculable. I often wonder if we all would fare better in this time of unrest and sickness if we were more resilient people BEFORE this crisis.

I love a good storyline that involves humans rising above adversity to become...awesome, successful, amazing humans. But this plot line is more Disney movie than real life. Adversity reveals vulnerabilities and often results in anxiety and depressive disorders, substance use and abuse, inability to connect with others, failed marriages, and more.

It might be healthy and helpful to take a pause and re-evaluate. Maybe you, like me, have not taken a good look in the mirror lately. Maybe the stories we tell from our childhoods are not just wild and crazy memories to laugh over. What if they are having a negative affect on our life?

Resiliency is not the equivalent of being tough. Resiliency is the capacity to bounce back from suffering. It requires acknowledging suffering for what it is and taking actions to HEAL from the wounds that the suffering inflicted. This is a courageous but different way of thinking about strength. We need to have more conversations about how to build resilience.

Have you been strong for so long that you are worn out? Do you need permission to rest your weary body and soul? Permission granted!

When Competition Hurts…

Our youngest son played lacrosse for many years. It’s one of those games that breaks ALL the rules. They run with sticks in their hands; they hit and poke their opponents with them leaving permanent bruises on the forearms of players for the entire season. They push each other out-of-bounds. They do all of this and more - and none of it is against the rules. I remember one heated game in particular. One of our players had been knocked unconscious; our coaches got ejected from the game. Our team was in disarray. A fight broke out. More ejections. Now we barely had enough people to play. Our son started barking orders. He ran down the field on offense and then one of his teammates would throw him a “long stick” from the sidelines and Michael would run back and play defense - a position he never played. Michael was hit so many times it was all I could do to not take the field myself. After that game he had three loose teeth and a profound sense of accomplishment as victory was achieved. I heard one of the parents say of my son, “Man, that kid is competitive!” I was so proud. I did not give this a second thought - we won! Our team was tough! My kid was COMPETITIVE!

Competition is a negative interaction that occurs among organisms whenever two or more organisms require the same limited resource… Therefore, competitors reduce each other’s growth, reproduction, or survival. (Source: www.biologyreference.com/Ce-Co/Competition.html#ixzz3xK2cfjuj)

A few years later my son walked off the lacrosse field for the last time; it was his senior year in high school. As he walked up to me roughly tossed his stick on his game and said, “No kid of mine is ever going to play this game.” Oh, the things I wished I had asked more questions about over the years! After eight years of playing the sport, Michael concluded that it was not one that fostered the character traits he would want his kid to possess. This would have been great information for me to have. I could have reduced mileage on my car as I traveled all of the state of Virginia and hours huddled on cold bleachers in all manner of bad weather, endless purchases of team snacks and a car that forever smelled like teenage boys and their stinky gear. Not to mention 8 years of my son being exposed to a game that did not enhance his character! I am sure that a different coaching staff and team ethos might have turned these years around and resulted in glorious memories but that was not his experience. I never, not once, asked the right questions.

Folks, we might be missing something if we embrace competition as a core value.