Speaking Back Into This Idea of Digging Deep Within

I have a confession to make. My life does not seem interested in telling me who I am. This makes a quote from Parker Palmer a problem for me when he says, "Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am."

Here is a Willimon (p. 55, Accidental Pastor) response:

"Without a Christ who summons, Palmer's sweet voice within is the best we can muster. But who, intently listening to his or her own subjectivity, risks anything as costly and crazy as God routine demands?

'Mary, how did you decide, by listening to your life, to become pregnant out of wedlock, have a sword pierce your soul, and bear the crucified Son of god into the world?"

See what I mean?

Vocation is not an inner inclination awaiting discovery by rooting around in the recesses of the ego. As Jesus succinctly says, 'Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit' John 15:16"

If we combine Palmer's conviction that the Spirit within us has something to say and Willimon's reminder that God's handing out all the calling assignments, then I think we see an unfolding of something interesting to ponder. Because here is the thing that resonates with me personally. When God squeezes my shoulder (Willimon's point) and whispers in my ear, something deep inside me stirs and like a responsive reading in church my inmost being says (Palmer's point), "Yes. Oh yes. That is true."

These are truths I know but cannot articulate. These are truths I feel but cannot identify. These are truths that I can act on but not without external guidance and the gift of wisdom and discernment. So yes, yes, this is true. To know ourselves is to know God and to know God is to know ourself (bad paraphrase from Pythagoras). But confuse God's voice with our own ego speaking in a loud inside voice is a problem.

Vocation, Calling and Tough Talk

"Vocation is not evoked by your bundle of need and desire."

Dr. William Willimon, p. 54, Accidental Pastor

We spend a lot of time thinking about who we want to be when we grow up. We encourage our kids to plan for their future. Maybe we point out early signs of talent or giftedness and stretch our bony pointy finger to the future with no small amount of anxiety and say, "Child, maybe go thataway..." We take personality tests, aptitude tests and find our strengths. We shore up our weaknesses or at least try to defend or camouflage them. We try to find careers, callings and hobbies that help us find our bliss. My niece Kaitlin dreamed about being a veterinarian and now she is one! My nephew Robby told me once he was going to ride a rocket to Mars - who knows, maybe he will!

The super fortunate among us smash up all these ideas and opportunities and sometimes end up with a legitimate sense of calling. But after obsessing over the writings of Will Willimon, I no longer think calling and vocation should feel like a roll of the dice.

Listen to this quote:

"Vocation is what God wants from you whereby your life is transformed into a consequence of God's redemption the world. Look no further than Jesus's disciples - remarkably mediocre, untalented, lackluster yokels - to see that innate talent or inner yearning has less to do with vocation than God's thing for redeeming lives by assigning us something to do for God."

Dr. William Willimon, Accidental Preacher, p. 54

Think about this. The door is wide open. The needle does not have to be threaded. God wants something from us and our life is the consequence. We're assigned a job. Be a faithful partner - so don't kiss strangers you find attractive and want to assert power over. Be a faithful grandparent - still figuring what that looks like, but I am practicing the role by giving my grandchildren sugar and always saying "Yes". Be a faithful pastor - figure out how to keep serving others even when all you can imagine doing is crying for unending stretches of time. On and on the roles go that we are assigned. Our vocation and calling is not diminished by our lack of enthusiasm or talent for the job assigned. Think harder. See if this clarifies things for you and opens you up a bit to a renewed commitment to practice.

Showing Up as an Act of Courage

Dr. Willimon challenges us in his body of work and his life to accept the offer of living out our calling in all the roles in our life. This calling has certain parameters, based on who did the calling. I believe that my calling comes from God - an external agent, someone who tapped me on my shoulder and I responded, "Yes. I will follow you." Now, it can be argued that I had no clue what this would entail. Fair enough. But still, I made a commitment. I also dream. I mean literally. I have dreams. Some of them, once in a great while, feel like God's hand on my shoulder. Once I had that experience, whether or not I enjoyed my purposeful life every day became a moot point. Now this is a freaky story, and it is ok if you don't believe it. I really don't need you to believe it because I know it is as real and true as sacred as the feeling that comes when I eat peanut butter out of a jar with a spoon. Heavenly! But this is a freaky story warning.

For the last four and a half years I have been in an enormously powerful estranged relationship with someone I love. He's disappointed in me. I've continued to wrestle with how I feel about him. Until last night. I had a dream. In the dream, Pete, the kids and I were packing to sneak away from what I perceived was a dangerous situation involving this person. I have this thought in my head that we have to escape on the sly because our life is in peril. In the dream this person who I am estranged from in real life tells me that he has been fired from his job and his "sketchy" behavior has been all about trying to protect me from this knowledge. So maybe he is not dangerous, maybe I misread the scenario - I think in my dream.

I go over to comfort him. I pull him into my arms, I rub and pat his back, and I tell him, "Do not let people who cannot see your worth put a price on your value." He weeps. I hold.

And then I add..."We have to pack up and go home now. I cannot be here anymore. I do not know if you, who cannot see your own worth, have the capacity to see mine. I do not know if you can reflect back to me my value. I am going not because I do not love you; I have to leave because I cannot be courageous and live my own life in a meaningful way unless I am surrounded by people who value me." And then I woke up.

I understood. I was given from an outside source (I think it was God's Spirit) clarity for what has haunted me for four and a half years. Part of this estrangement has been about safety for me. And I always wondered - why do you feel so unsafe that you have to hide? I have my reasons but I think today I see it through another lens of knowing. I do not have to hide; I have to choose. I have to be courageous and faithful. I have to move towards something - my life as a person of faith. I must practice it. I must practice what I believe which is that we are all inherently worthy and that our value is not dependent on others' assessment of us. We are not a house that requires a yearly tax based on how much we could be sold for in the marketplace. If I believe that FOR others, I must also require it for myself as a condition of connection.

I have experienced the external sense of determination Willimon speaks of - there are moments when God puts his hand on our shoulder and leads us beside quiet waters, he refreshes our souls, he guides us along the right paths. It may be a quiet nudge in a dream; it may be a moment of clarity; it may be a sense of calling; it may eventually lead to a meaningful life. But our God is a God who can work with what we bring to him. And so, I have to ask, what kind of fool would I be to not heed his call?

The Joy of Calling

As I listened to and read the work of Dr. Will Willimon, I thought about the joy of calling. I love the way he helped me identify my joy; I'm not sure in my current state of mind I could have come up with it without guidance. There's a young man I know who told me for a long time that he could not and would not ever choose sobriety. Ok, I said. I get it. Months and months went by and I'd run into him at various places around town and he'd say, "I'm never going to choose sobriety." I'd say, "Man, I get it. I'm not the sobriety police. I hear you and I believe you." He'd look at me like I had lost my mind. This is not what he expected. He expected me "of all people" to think he SHOULD get sober. But the truth is, I believed him. There was no need for further discussion. Eventually he stopped talking about his sobriety but he did not stop talking to me. I enjoyed our occasional chats.

Then one day I received an email that said, "Hey, just wanted you to know that sobriety found me. I'm doing well." I'm happy for him; but I did not need him to get sober for me to find joy in my calling.

I realize I did absolutely nothing to help him run into sobriety but still he wanted me to know news that he felt I would assess as good (true). All I ever did was make sure I was never in too much of a hurry to not chat. I did not believe or hope he would get sober. I just took his report at face value. Maybe this means I am tired and old, but my theory differs a bit from that narrative. It goes along more with Dr. Willimon's perspective as he looks back over decades of pastoral ministry.

Willimon says that God works like this - "Give me what you got and I'll work it up into something interesting. I'll do the rest. We are where we are because God has beckoned us." So like Abraham and Sarah, Jonah, David, Gideon, Peter, Paul and even Mary - God works with what we give him. We do not have all that much to offer. But it is enough for God to work it into something interesting. And this is the joy of calling.

God is at work. In this instance, the work was on and in and through me. It allowed me to stop thinking about what I want (a young man to get sober)as a function of calling and believe instead that God will work with whatever that young man gives him or I give him or you give him. God can work with whatever widow's mite we offer up. Oh the joy in knowing that we do not have to be successful or even particularly happy to still live a life of purpose and meaning.

When Calling is Costly…

"Church forces us to march in and sing even when we are not in the singing mood. Church doesn't wait for you to have the proper motivation to worship in order to call you to worship. So many times you don't feel like being a pastor but still must act the part - in pain, over your head emotionally and theologically, not knowing how to publicly mark your own loss. You act like their pastor even when you don't want to...."

Dr. Will Willimon

Yes. This is true. It is also true for being a wife, mother, father, sister, brother, or a line cook. Maybe not everyone has to worry about the theology of their job, but everyone does have the opportunity to wrestle with how their life is lived out theologically.

So here's the thing. Stop and think for a second about this. When your beloved has a medical emergency, do you care if the EMT's who show up in the middle of the night to offer aid find personal satisfaction in their work or do you want them to be good at their job? When your car breaks down on the side of the road, do you want the AAA person to find her bliss in fixing your tire or charging your battery or do you want her to be competent and efficient? When you have to go into surgery, do you REALLY want your surgeon to NOT wear a mask for fear it violates her rights?

More from Willimon...

"The deceit of modern life is the role of individual and stripped role of individuality. There is no YOU there without the roles, the assignments, the relationships. This is a very unglamorous view of service."

I will paraphrase poorly, but this is important. Willimon suggests that to experience a sense of calling, determine to make service part of the requirement of living. And guess what? There is no requirement in a calling that it be meaningful to us before we do it. Calling is not about our fulfillment. It allows other people's lives to be enriched but it doesn't necessarily make our life better. (Can I get an amen?)

Calling costs. It's your choice whether or not to enter into the fray of it all but if you do choose a life of purpose and meaning don't expect it to be meaningful or make your heart go pitter pat all the damn time.