What is Beneficial?

In a recent weekend message, Scott (co-pastor at Northstar Community and my son too) asked us to think about, without ruminating, on this idea that we are following a long line of people throughout history who have wrestled with conflicts due to political differences, religious beliefs and even eating habits!

Just because something is technically legal doesn't mean that it's spiritually appropriate. If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I'd be a slave to my whims.

1 Corinthians 6:12 The Message

He reminded us that we are free but there are bumper pads (like the ones for bowlers who cannot bowl), limitations to our freedom, for those seeking to be a person of faith. One of those bumpers involves asking the question, "Is this beneficial?" or to quote Eugene Peterson "spiritually appropriate." I wonder: who benefits? Who decides what is spiritually appropriate?

That's a big question. Who benefits? What is beneficial? You will notice in Corinthians - everyone thought what they were believing was righteous, good, and many felt differently on the same subject. They could not get consensus. So this is a big question: What does beneficial look like? I cannot answer this question with any degree of satisfaction, but I do know one thing, and I want to wrestle with that one thing a bit tomorrow.

For today, I ask you: what would happen if we all started asking ourselves daily - is this choice spiritually appropriate?

Uncomfortable Closeness

We do not need the news accounts about famous men kissing women against their will to know that physical boundary violations are common place. It's called assault (and worse) but when we experience it, we may not realize that it is happening. It's not usually a stranger who crosses these physical boundaries; the offending relative does not always appear creepy.

It can be a trusted grandfather (or grandmother), a sibling, or parent. Stroking, hugging, touching, even tickling - anything that feels uncomfortable is a violation. Few children tell. Is the problem in need of a solution to form better physical boundaries? That would be helpful.

But what is even more crucial is for all of us to foster in ourselves and others healthy emotional boundaries. For my junior prom, I went with a guy I barely knew. Mistake #1. But my friends really wanted me to be there and in 1973, that required a date. He had a purple corvette and it matched my dress - I liked that. He seemed nice enough as I got to know him. But on prom night we both had very different expectations. We were not out of my neighborhood before he pulled out a bottle of alcohol and began his pre-party preparations. This was not ok with me.

That guy crossed a boundary and I was exercising my right to say no. I ended up going home with a different, lovely friend (whose own date soon hooked up with my date). All is well that ends well. But why was I willing to put up such a strong boundary so quickly with a guy whose really cool car matched my dress?

For whatever reason, I had strong emotional boundaries in that moment. My strong feeling of discomfort out-weighed any other considerations.

Even afterwards, when the switcharoo was the talk of the school and my parents, who chaperoned, were totally freaked out when they saw my date leave with another, none of that bothered or embarrassed me. No angst. I was at perfect peace - and had a lovely, lovely time.

It turns out that our feelings provide us with lots of guidance if we listen carefully; they also connect us with meaning. I was willing to ride home with my befuddled parents if absolutely necessary, but I was not willing to step into that purple corvette with a guy who was going to drink his way through the evening. No way. Not going to happen. My core values, my self-image, my beliefs? I could not tell you any of them at that time. But I had a feeling and I went with it. No I did not want a drink. No I did not want to go to his friend's house before prom. His response, "I had a feeling you were that kind of girl." Yep. Even he had feelings!

When we do not have strong emotional boundaries, we cannot execute on our appropriate physical boundaries. Young girls who do not feel safe and secure within their family are not going to feel equipped to squeal on Uncle Jimmy with the wandering hands. If we want our kids to learn how to protect themselves in the physical world, it is important to figure out how to support healthy emotional boundaries. If we keep beating ourselves up for making poor, inexplicable choices, stop that! Instead, consider the possibility that it is time to explore the wellness of our own emotional boundaries.

Mostly True

As a general rule, I'm not all that fond of the book of Proverbs. Each verse needs to be broken out and commentated on for it to make sense. For example, consider Proverbs 17:17:

"Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble."

I give this one a true-ish score. Families, ideally, stick together in all kinds of trouble. But I've seen up close and personal how a parent can teach that to a child but not be able to keep that kind of commitment themselves.

It is lovely to think that people can handle the ups and downs of life, and a few can. But many cannot. We need to tell ourselves the truth about this - especially as it applies to our own boundaries. There are things that I have decided I am not willing to stick around for anymore. Am I selfish? Am I a bad person? Maybe. But it is also possible that I am learning more about what it means to take responsibility for my own choices and decide for myself that some things are just too much for me to handle.

Maybe you can handle more. Awesome! Maybe you can handle less. Nothing wrong with that! But in all these things, it is important to tell ourselves the truth about what's going on with us and own our choices. I find it so interesting that people often place expectations on others that they would never require themselves to live up to - pay attention to this! This will help you sort through your options.

Policing Bad Behavior

My grandson told me that when he hears a police siren, he knows FOR SURE that one of his friends at school is getting a visit. "Why do you think he is the reason the police are coming?" I ask.

"Meme, he is a bad bad boy and causes lots of trouble." Well, ok. But this is the same kid that my grandson also tries to play with sometimes - usually to his detriment if his stories are accurately narrated. I've tried to share with him as best I can what I am learning about being a good friend.

Here are some questions that I ask Christian to consider when choosing friends.

"Does this friend help you be a kind person when you play? Are they kind to you and others?"

"Does this friend make you feel happier when you are having a sad day?"

"Does this friend share?"

I try to mix the questions up a bit, but my point is this: a friend, a true friend, needs to refresh our soul. Christian is too young to hear the rest, but when he is in first grade I will share more. I will tell Christian that I try to pick friends who make me a better person, who make me feel less anxious and frustrated by the world and more at peace in the present. I will tell Christian that I try to stick with friends who do not always make me happy - because sometimes we need loving pushes to grow, but who always have my back. I will tell Christian that good friends make you a better human, especially when you disagree on issues. But right now, I'm just working on getting Christian off this idea that he runs the police and they will do his bidding by picking up kids who do not follow his rules. It's a process, right? We're all doing the best we can AND we are working to learn more and do better.

Just as lotions and fragrance give sensual delight, a sweet friendship refreshes the soul.

Proverbs 27:9 The Message

Adjust as Needed

I love traveling through life with my friend Jean because she pays attention to people and she has seen me at my worst. I know I can be a pain in the neck, but she has somehow managed to put up with me without actually making me feel like she is enduring waterboarding as my friend.

Our friendship started with some magical affinity that drew us together but it has endured because we have not let our humanity pull us apart. If you have friends who have taught you that they start fights but lack the courage to actually resolve them, if you have friends who gossip about you - folks, these are not friends. I know it is sad anytime we discover this, but we must live in reality.

Troublemakers start fights; gossips break up friendships. Proverbs 16:28 The Message

Do you have any relationships that need to be adjusted?