No One is Asking You to be Right

I am my biggest limitation. It's true. I make up stories in my head about what I SHOULD do, or the kind of person I COULD be, or the life I MIGHT HAVE HAD IF ONLY.... most of it is just baloney. It turns out that everyone has limitations. Even I, with all mine, has not been powerful enough to ruin my children.

Last week we had our annual Memorial Day family gathering. The grandkids are at the stage where you can take your eyes off them for 3 seconds without them choking on a screw or choking each other. I built them a fort in the back yard made of sheets and towels thrown over a dome-like jungle gym structure that they climb on and fall off of on a regular basis. They loved their little cozy fort.

The big kids - all the rest of us, played pickle ball on a court drawn quite precisely by the resident engineer in the family. Scott and I acted as his assistants and we really did try to keep our mocking to a minimum over his precision and laser focus on getting it perfect. We ate a simple meal that included a new recipe from my sister-in-law, who we affectionately call Chef ShooFly because she is an excellent cook and one of the littles called her that years ago and it stuck. We had a discussion on labor unions (with many different perspectives at the table) and I can only speak for myself - I learned a ton.

My joy is complete - to see the way my family respected each other even with the diversity that has bloomed as the years have started to pile up and kids have turned into adults. It occurs to me that with all the things I regret about the way I parented, the thing I love about being a parent is that somewhere along the line someone managed to convey to my children that no one is asking any of us to be right or deny their limitations. No one has to be certain that their opinion should and must prevail.

I don't know who taught them these things, but I am so grateful to learn by watching them live a life of unconditional positive regard for one another. My optimism for future generations grows as I see how this next generation is modeling these truths for their children. So just in case no one has told you recently - your limitations are not a problem. Everyone has them. Tomorrow we'll talk about how to manage them.

Who Are You Gonna Be?

One of the issues folks often have with Jesus' teaching to "turn the other cheek" is the fear that this phrase means, "Keep taking it on the chin." Healthy people do not keep taking abuse or disrespect. They move away from that kind of behavior and move toward people who can treat them with dignity, respect and positive regard. So what do we do if we have "turned the other cheek" and realize that we do indeed have two different perspectives.

Do I have to let others decide for me what I think in order to follow Jesus? No, that would mean I am being passive. Should I decide for others? No, that would mean I am too aggressive. Should I find a sneaky way to prevent others from deciding for themselves? No, that is passive-aggressive behavior and it really annoys people, fyi.

So what do we do? We learn how to speak in statements consistent with our beliefs. This is learning how to be assertive. For years I wanted to pursue some professional development work, but I was not assertive about it. I mentioned the option to folks, I prevaricated about pulling the trigger on applying to the program, I made a lot of excuses for NOT doing what I really, really wanted to try. I doubted my ability to be a good wife, Meme, mom and pastor if I tried this new thing. Then we had a pandemic.

My children taught me early on in the pandemic process that I am old. They held meetings among themselves and then reported back their concerns about the welfare of their father and me. They urged compliance - and spelled out how that might look. They even were willing to express in a lovely, vulnerable way, their long held experiences of us - that sometimes we made choices to be present for others without always taking into account the impact it had on our family. They were quite clear. And Pete and I respected that and I think did a good job of responding to their wishes.

But it made me think. What would I regret doing if I died tomorrow? What did I regret doing that in hindsight, I wish I had done differently? I decided two things: 1. I would regret not pursuing a subject I was passionate about and 2. I regret making some of the decisions I have made over the years that I thought were following Jesus - but really were not.

So I said, "I want to pursue this new thing." And everyone said, "Ok. Cool. Whatever." No one batted an eye. I told Pete how much it would cost and he said, "Where do I send the check?"

So here is my post-pandemic-almost inspirational thought for you: What statements about yourself do you need to assert? What do you need to simply state and execute - stop fretting over, stop waiting for permission, stop wondering about the cost. What is it that you will absolutely regret if you do not get moving forward - today?

We’re Both Right, We May Both Be Wrong.

I appreciate Edith Eger's interpretation of a Jesus teaching that many of us struggle with. Here's her take: "This is what I think Jesus meant when he advised us to 'turn the other cheek.' When you turn the other cheek, you look at the same thing from a new perspective. You can't change the situation, you can't change someone else's mind, but you can look at reality differently. You can accept and integrate multiple points of view. This flexibility is our strength. (p. 108 The Gift)

I'm amazed at all the different perspectives that emerged in response to the coronavirus pandemic. People both opposed and supported mask wearing; people were grateful and dismissive of the vaccine; people praised and punished business closures/accommodations; people appreciated and berated various decisions made by government authorities and institutions.

Turn the other cheek. Look at the various perspectives. Listen to different media outlets and read different opinion pieces and we end up with wildly different conclusions. Eventually, we have to settle into a position. It could be right, wrong, or in-between. Turn the other cheek - look at the information others are receiving. Although it may not be a preferred source, even if we do not agree with it, turning the other cheek allows us to at least understand why we end up with so many different viewpoints.

Turn the other cheek. Do you, make your decisions, stand by them. But we don't have to treat others with disdain who are making different choices. At least appreciate how hard it is to make decisions in the midst of so much confusing and ever-changing data!

The pandemic is an extreme situation; it will be covered in the history books for years to come and our choices will be dissected and discussed. Some of the choices we made as individuals and a country and a world will look absolutely ridiculous as better information and research comes to light. But here is the thing that we can do well - turn the other cheek. Give one another grace. The only thing that will not stand the test of time well is our certainty, disdain, and lack of humility. The rest, I suspect our ancestors will maybe give us a pass on - especially if they continue to encounter baffling and difficult life circumstances themselves.

Wanting the Wrong Stuff

Some of my friends tell me that they grieve over things not yet lost. I get it. They realize that their spouse is not willing to work on his/her recovery and this impacts their marriage. Or they worry about a child (or children) who are struggling with mental health crises. They feel resentment when they go to a bridal shower - remembering that their daughter is in no position to be in a loving relationship, much less get married. Or they avoid the happy baby showers, because their own grandchild is inaccessible to them. These are big griefs that we don't talk about much - which makes it worse!

I don't have any words to offer up for that kind of suffering, but I do have a suggestion for reducing self-inflicted pain. Stop wanting the wrong stuff.

"I want my kid to get sober." I know you do; so do I. But that is for your kid to want or not want, this is not your "want". We can only "want" for ourselves. So maybe we decide to "want" sobriety for ourselves. Don't need it? Are you sure? Maybe a different kind of sobriety work is available for us - like working on our own recovery from wanting the wrong stuff.

"I want my spouse to...." Oh I so get that. But that is not our want. We can state our preferences, our desires, our wishes...but our spouses have to want or not want - this is not our want.

"I want my boss to..." I so get that. We spend so much of our life at work, don't we all want to enjoy the experience a tiny bit more? Yes we do. But we can only want what we can change. We can provide feedback, ask for change, but our work team has to want what it wants, or does not want. We cannot WANT someone to do something and expect anything to change.

So what do you want for you? What next? What is your next move to getting what you want?

What If?

People who are always gentle with themselves probably do not need to think about all the ways that rumination, regret and remorse mess us up. So you guys can go have a nice day and stop reading right here! For the rest of us, the insecure, the sensitive, the perpetually anxious and often plagued with guilt peeps, who are alway berating ourselves with the WHAT IF’s? - I have a phrase for you, here goes: When we know better we do better.

I'm not suggesting that this little phrase serves as some kind of magical solution to all our feelings of guilt and shame. But what I am suggesting is this: we often get in a habit loop of thinking, feeling and doing. When it becomes just circular suffering without anything changing, we need to break up the band and find a new way to live.

So here's what we do. We notice ourselves falling into the trap of feeling perpetual guilt, we realize that this is more habit than factual reality (because if we are legitimately guilty then our work is to ask forgiveness and make amends), and we need to discipline ourselves to break the habit loop.

Here's my example: As my mother died, my daughter was giving birth. I rushed from my mom's bedside to be present for my grandson's birth - a ten hour drive. My father found this reprehensible; who ever wants to disappoint their daddy? But my mind knew that I had done all I could for my mom, and now I needed to be there for my daughter. I spent years dealing with a whole range of emotions. But healing began on the day that I made my two lists, and I was supported by people who loved me in saying, when we know better we do better. Anytime I found myself ruminating and rummaging around looking for alternative choices for a past I could not change, I said to myself: "This is not productive; this is not helpful. When I know better, I do better. I am doing better by refusing to ruminate, second guess and feel guilty about something I can not change...and would not change if I had to make the same choice right now." Let me be clear. What I had to accept, what I had to get better at doing, was this: not allowing other people to decide what I should or should not do, how I should or should not feel. I believe I made the choice my mother would have approved of - go home once all has been done, and do the next right thing. Celebrate a new baby even as you mourn the loss of the woman who loved babies more than ice cream. But if this sounds easy, then I am a poor communicator. It was not and it is not easy. But this is what a commitment to growing up requires - doing. hard things.