What Will it Take?

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

In retrospect, I can see how I instinctively, subconsciously, choose fights with Brittany as a way to regain a sense of control in my life as I encounter powerlessness.  I do this because my grief, which is un-addressed and unresolved, needs an outlet.  And so I instinctively choose to push someone else down which, in turn, allows me feel comfortable again (or more comfortable anyway) because I have control over something (even if it's something small).  

Do you see the problem?  I hope so.  

I have now made it much more difficult for us to bind together in our grief, process together, and increase our intimacy because I'm settling for a false sense of comfort and control by dealing with my grief only accidentally.  

Scott’s 2021 revisit of this post:

As I said yesterday, I don’t think it’s much help to try to figure out our subconscious. Instead, I asked you to consider what you would like to stop doing (or maybe we could also say start doing) in your life, today, right now. 

Here’s an additional question- what would it take in order to make that change? Do you need to workout? How often? Do you (like me) need more alone time? How much? Do you need a hobby? What would you like to do (or what would you like to get back to)? Do you need more connection? Who could you reach out to?

Doing Things Differently

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Our subconscious is powerful and cunning.  I do not consciously choose to start fights with Brittany in order to release tension from my suppressed grief.  I do this naturally.  The body instinctively takes what it needs in order to maintain something akin to homeostasis (as close as it can get in difficult circumstances anyway).  

I do not consciously choose to go after her over cleaning either.  Only in retrospect am I able to discern why that area of our life is such an easy target for my practice rounds.  

I also do not consciously view this argument as an attempt to regain control in the face of powerlessness.  Yet, this is exactly what it is.  I know this because I know this:  this particular area is one in which it is easy for me to feel superior.  In reality, I am not superior in any way.  I have my own chores that I ignore for long periods of time or, when I'm not ignoring them, cut corners on, or address them half-heartedly, etc.  In this particular fight I am convinced that, regardless of what Brittany says, I will end up on the moral high ground.  

You see what I'm describing?

Control.  

Scott’s 2021 thoughts on this post:

You should be sensing a theme. I no longer put much stock in the subconscious. Things happen beneath the surface we’re not consciously aware of, of course, but I don’t know that we gain that much by trying to figure them out…because…how do we know if we’re right? 

Instead- I suggest paying attention to things you want to do differently. I wanted to stop blaming my wife for things she didn’t do. In order to do that, I needed to de-stress, in order to do that, I needed some more alone time, and I needed some more hobbies. I could have accomplished all of that without raking myself over the coals for things my mind was doing that I wasn’t aware of.

So- what would you like to do differently?

What Helps?

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Yesterday I wrote about the different strategies Brittany and I use to avoid coping with grief.  These false strategies have led to a number of perfectly avoidable conflicts this year.  We have fought over an ungodly amount of pointless stuff!

When I walk around in active suppression of my grief then my body carries more tension than it has the capacity to hold.  When we don't confront unpleasant things then we do not (and cannot) release the tension that comes with emotional turmoil.  That tension must come out.  

So I pick a fight over the cleanliness of the house.  Why?  Because it's such an easy target and I know it.  Brittany works from home now and has agreed to take on more of the cleaning burden as a result.  This means that, when I'm living unconsciously, I have a built-in excuse to go after her.  The house is never immaculate because nobody's house is immaculate.  So, I can always find something to be upset about if and when I need a release for all the tension I'm carrying.  

I will tie this back to control tomorrow.  

My perspective on this in 2021:

I don’t really know if all of this subconscious stuff I’m describing was happening or not- what is clear to me, looking back, is I needed to find more ways relieve some of the stress I was carrying- related to grief, work, marriage, school, etc. I needed more things I could look forward to in life. I subsequently found photography- that has been a big outlet for me. Brittany and I found more ways to get me some alone time so I could recharge my batteries- that has been huge.

What things actually help you de-stress? Read that closely- I’m not asking: what things do you think will help you de-stress (but they never actually help). I’m asking what actually helps? These are often different things.

Deal With It….

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

When we're confronted with powerlessness our bodies intuitively seek something else to be in control of.  We will find a situation or person less powerful than ourselves that we can push lower to keep some (false) sense of internal balance. 

Again- think of the example I keep returning to of fighting over the cleanliness of the house.  I keep bringing this up because this is a common dynamic in my house.  This has actually happened.  

Brittany and I are grieving three lost pregnancies.  She tends to deal with grief (in the short term anyway) through busying herself, and our adoption process and her home business have provided her plenty of opportunities to be busy.  I distract myself with reading and researching whatever my latest interest is.  

Neither of us has done a great job of facing the grief head on.  It hovers beneath the surface of things.  I get periodic reminders each day in the form of a loose thought or feeling that escapes my chamber of denial to bring to the surface the grief I'm trying to suppress.  

This is the exact recipe that creates fights over issues that are not really the issue.  

2021 Scott looks back:

There is no question that deep grief, and other life challenges, pull the rug out from under us. When we’re dealing with something difficult and complicated we are rarely able to access the “best” version of ourselves. And we need to do something about it. The emotional consequences of big life events do not normally just go away with time- we have to find some way to confront them and deal with them. That can look very different from person to person, but I do believe that finding ways to deal with what’s happened to us is important- otherwise some instincts tend to kick in that might not serve us or our loved ones particularly well.

Some things to consider that might help you deal with hard times: reading, writing, journaling, painting, music, and/or other creative projects (creative projects tend to be very healing). Other options include counseling, support groups, opening up to friends, finding a new hobby, taking a break from your normal obligations, and many more.

What are some things that have helped you heal?

Focus on the Tangible

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

If we're content to react to whatever is beneath our surface unconsciously then we miss the opportunity to listen to ourselves, deal with pain, share the pain, and find community.

Our unconscious reactions are rarely directed towards the true source of our frustration, disappointment, or whatever.  What I mean is:  when we react to what is beneath the surface unconsciously then we're not actually addressing what is beneath the surface.  We are addressing something altogether unrelated and, generally, dragging innocent and vulnerable people down into our misery.  

We maintain control through exerting ourselves on something more vulnerable than ourselves.  When we're confronted with powerlessness our bodies intuitively seek something else to be in control of.  We will find a situation or person less powerful than ourselves that we can push lower to keep some (false) sense of internal balance.  We intuitively and unconsciously believe, wrongly, that subjugating something or someone else helps us feel like we are maintaining control in the midst of great uncertainty.  

Tomorrow we get real practical.

Future Scott vs. Past Scott:

I don’t really think in terms of subconscious processes anymore because I’m not really sure how helpful it is and I don’t think there’s any way to really get to the bottom of subconscious processes anyway. So I prefer to talk in terms of what is (today). 

When I say what is I mean things that are tangible. When we take our frustration out on someone, that’s very tangible. We can own that incident and make amends. And, if we’re frustrated at a high enough level on a regular enough basis, we may need to work on mindfulness of our emotions so that we can pay attention to things we might be overlooking. 

The bottom line point might be the same regardless: If we’re not acting like ourselves, we might want to explore that.