Go Solve Some New Problems!

For a variety of reasons, I grew up thinking it was my job to solve and even eliminate problems. My brother Bob was working on a project for scouts that involved staining wood. He was working in his bedroom for some reason that no one's brain can understand and accidentally spilled the stain on his bedspread. His brain knew that to go to mom for help would be disastrous, so he came to me. I solved the problem with my middle school brain.

I quickly sopped up what I could, ran the bedspread down to the utility room, threw in in the washer with extra detergent and then marched up to my parents' bedroom for affirmation for a job well done. I did a job alright - on the washer. Who knew varnish was NOT good for washing machines? My mistake was so BIG that I'm not sure anyone ever got around to asking Bob why he was staining a hunk of wood on his bedspread.

Today, I am happy to go back in time and report back to that little girl that she was doing the best she could with the information she had in her brain at that time. I would remind her that helping her brother is and will forever be her core value and that there is nothing wrong with that - ever. But I would also reassure her that over the course of her life, her experiences and situations will teach her how to "help" better. I would also give her some very key information - problems never go away.

Life is full of problems. Life will always be full of problems. Problems for the curious are not bad, they are opportunities to grow and learn. A rich and wonderful life can be crafted by ending up with better problems as we learn and grow.

I have spent way too much time judging myself and fearing problems. I believed that problems were MY FAULT. But mostly, problems are about responsibility. "Fault" is just a word we use to describe the consequences of a solution that is going to teach us something. It's not pleasant, but it is fully human and we can learn how to take full responsibility for that too.

I wonder what I will take full responsibility for today. I wonder what I will learn from it. I hope if I discover something today that I am at "fault" for from the past that I will be as gentle and kind to myself as I was to my brother all those years ago. It was easy for me to see that this cute kid made an honest mistake and try to protect him from an inappropriately (maybe understandable) harsh parental reaction. Why do we struggle so much to recognize that this is also true for ourselves?

Go solve some new problems!

Check in with Your Brain

The human brain is amazing, but not without its own limitations. Our brain, which loves to find patterns so that it can predict things, prefers predicting more than accuracy. Last night, after another rousing game of tennis, Pete said, "It is so weird, I hit a certain shot and my muscle memory causes my body to relax because you have NEVER gotten that shot back in our life...and now you return it!" This is brain bias. Fifty years of playing tennis together (I know! That's a long time!!) and his body/brain connection KNOWS what I'm not able to do. But guess what? I'm DOING different! I'm returning some of those shots and that man is standing there flat-footed, all relaxed in his tennis superiority.

Pete's brain and body have not caught up with the new reality around here. And he knows it, but cannot change it! This is the power of brain bias. Our brain behaves like this because it craves certainty. That is efficient, it requires our brain to not get over-heated while considering multiple options.

But a brain that is certain, but incorrect, is a brain that is making less-than-ideal decisions. The brain feels better about everything because nothing is threatened. But the human that is housing the brain is living with handicaps they do not even know about!

The current problem Pete has is an unresponsive body after he plays particular shots on the tennis court. If he hits a short ball cross-court, he assumes I cannot get to it fast enough. If he hits a high lob back to the baseline, he assumes I am going to flub the return.

This USED to be true. Not so much now. Pete is beginning to recognize (because he is humble and contrite of heart) that he has a better problem that he is responsible to address. The better problem is that he gets to hit the ball another time because I am going to return it. The old problem was that if he managed to hit the ball in predictable ways, I would lose the point every time. That's fine if you are playing Wimbledon. But we do not have rankings or prize money to fret over. We want to play a fun, competitive, game with lots of rallies.

The new problem is a better problem because it is more in line with our core values - lots of rallies. Pete will no doubt overcome his brain/body's sluggish reactions to his new, improved opponent. This is a new and better problem.

I bet your brain has some situations that are similar - habitual ways of thinking, believing, feeling, reacting, behaving. These habits are netting you predictable problems. Dare to dream! Wake up and discover that your brain, though lovely, has it limits and with less certainty, you might discover new, more interesting problems to solve.

The Nature of Evil

Roy Baumeister is a psychologist who spent time studying the nature of evil. He was startled to discover that he had to change his questions in order to complete his research. He began by asking the question: "Why is there evil?" and later amended it too read, "Why do some people do things that other people consider to be evil?"

According to Baumeister, the problem was this - the most evil among us do not see their actions as evil. They have constructed a world in which their evil actions make sense. They are certain and do not equivocate - they have a right to take these actions, they deserve to hurt and disrespect others. Their self-esteem is through the roof! Truly evil people believe that they are good and everyone else is bad.

It turns out that certainty is actually harmful for us. Certainty makes us feel worse. Certainty and our efforts to achieve it lead to more anxiety and insecurity.

The more certain we become, the less alert and curious we are to the situations around us. We feel more entitled and less humbled by circumstances that challenge our convictions. Maybe we think we deserve to cheat at tennis, because we are certain we should be able to win some games off of our husband - hypothetically speaking! (Just for the record, I do not cheat at tennis. But I think about it.)

The more we embrace uncertainty and curiosity, the more comfortable we get with knowing that we do not know, the higher our potential for health and happiness. Uncertainty leads to less judgment, more growth and the potential for progress in solving problems. The more we can acknowledge that we do not know, or - heaven forbid - are wrong, we open up to knew ways of being in the world.

Certainty is a Drag

When we decide that the pathway to growth is not through certainty, we take the road less traveled - taking responsibility for our lives. This attitude creates a whole new set of problems. Certainty brings with it a sort of script for life. Someone can bring up a topic and all we have to do is hit our own "play" button. We can spout off our certainty. But when we assume we are responsible we preclude certainty as an option. Life will keep presenting us with confusing opportunities to ....change.

For example, if I could be certain of how to advise families with loved ones in need of recovery, I could respond to all their questions (which are usually pretty predictable) by pushing my "play" button. Have a kid smoking cannabis in your basement? Kick him out if you don't like his behavior! That's a "play" button response.

But what if the kid has a traumatic brain injury? What if the kid has developmental delays? What if mom and dad's greatest fear is the kid will not be safe on the streets? These are legitimate questions that deserve respect.

I'm far less certain than I once was about how to support recovery for those we love who are struggling. This requires that I continue to take responsibility for keeping current on the latest research and best recovery practices. None of it is certain - even the newest approaches. But it makes for a better life.

Think of it like this - if we are certain, then we are probably irritated when people do not agree with us. Maybe we feel anxious when our certainty is challenged. But if we are constantly taking responsibility for our limitations, if we are curious, then we are perpetual learners. And maybe, just maybe, we can actually end up better equipped to help those we love.

Certainty is a drag; responsibility is a doorway to more joy and fewer regrets.

The Liberating Power of Taking Responsibility

If we want to grow, then we best learn how to take responsibility for our problems. One of the things that brings me the greatest joy is working with our son Scott on a daily basis. Few parents have this privilege. Sometimes Scott and I have conflict and we get to sit down and figure out what's going on. This is really a great problem and has brought us a lot closer - in my opinion.

Early on, I would sometimes get defensive if he disagreed with me over an issue. Not always, but under the right conditions, I took exception to his feedback. Thanks be to God and our work with the Enneagram, we began to get more clarity around our habitual ways of getting out of sorts with one another. That cleared up a lot of the conflict.

But not all of it. And here's why. Part of the issue was rooted in my own insecurity. This was part Enneagram stuff and part historical context but it was ALL 100% my responsibility to work on - and I have done just that. Failure to take responsibility for every single bit of my life could have had disastrous consequences for our relationship. I might have continued to ask HIM to take responsibility for my own insecurity by changing how he "handled" our conflicts. That was NOT his work to do. This was easier than it could have been because Scott takes responsibility for is stuff too. Separately and together, we work on taking responsibility for our own work and that means we have far fewer instances where we confuse responsibility with fault-finding.

Last week Scott had a power outage right before our Thursday night meeting - which he was leading. He threw his stuff in his computer bag and rushed to our house to get set up in time to run the group. After the group, instead of assuming that there was fault to be called out, I instead took responsibility to follow up with curiosity. "Hey, I thought you were a little grumpy tonight. Is everything ok?"

He replied, "With the group?" Looking chagrined and no small amount of mortified.

"No! That went fine, I thought you were a little short with me." I clarified.

He paused. He thought. He answered, "Man, I was really stressed. I was worried that I would leave everyone hanging on that call. Sorry you got the brunt of that." He took responsibility and I immediately knew that he was also not finding fault with me. He was not saying I was an annoying mother with many faults that he tolerates. No one was at fault, everyone was taking responsibility for speaking about their experience.

I concurred with his assessment and reiterated that the problem at hand got solved, which was a big win. No residual conflict or feelings or issues stand between us and our treasured relationship. When we take responsibility for our lives, it is liberating.