A Charmed Life…

Recently someone told me I had a charmed life. They did not sound all that happy for me. No one had ever said that to me before and I was instantly curious about all that charm I evidently possessed. So I inquired, "Do tell me more! How is my life charmed, from your point of view?"

Here is the response: "Well, you do not have any problems and everything you try works for you."

Oh boy.

If that is the definition of my charmed life, well, I'm feeling like I lost something I never knew I possessed. I have plenty of problems and I fail and have failed at every single thing I have undertaken in life. I have failed as a wife and mother, a sister and daughter, a friend. I have failed as a granddaughter. I have failed as an employee, an employer, I have even failed to be a particularly good enemy at times (although sometimes I rock that one).

To be honest, a lot of this failing is the result of my own immaturity and lack of wisdom. For example, I felt like a failure when my pre-med chemistry grade my first semester of college knocked me out of the market for med school. At least, that's how I thought of it back then.

Today, I recognize that I had choices - I could have retaken the class. More true and to the point, I really did not want to go to med school. If I had, I probably would have worked harder to overcome that Chemistry grade. I cannot really count a sub-par grade in Chemistry as a failure (especially since I switched it to pass/fail and avoided taking a hit to my GPA).

When my college boyfriend cheated on me and broke up with me without actually telling me, I considered that a failure. But it turns out, it was the best thing that ever happened to me because I ended up marrying the best man in the whole wide world - 43 years ago and counting.

So evaluating charm and failure is tricky. Tomorrow, more on failure -aren't you excited?

Stop Wasting Energy on Other’s Problems

When we are feeling certain and maybe a little stubborn, that is a great cue to stop and pause to prepare. We might want to ask another question - "What problem am I solving here?" and its twin - "What problems might I cause if I keep pressing on my certain way of seeing?"

I stood in line and received my vaccine for the coronavirus with complete gratitude and without hesitation. But not everyone I love saw the situation through the same lens of understanding. I am happy to express my gratitude for the vaccine without having to waste an ounce of energy on judging the opinions of others. I have decided that worrying about what others decide is a waste of energy and not in keeping with my core values.

After all, I thought, what problem am I solving by getting into the middle of someone else's decision? What problems might I cause if I press my certain way of seeing on others? Plenty! Because it will just stir up dissension and conflict - who needs that? Isn't there more than enough of that to go around?

Where I need to spend my energy is looking at the statistics for vaccination rates in my community and making the best decision I can about how to proceed with my own choices based on the information I have - which, of course, may be wrong, or not quite right, or inaccurate. I cannot ever really know 100% for sure. I will have to trust myself to make the best choices I can make. But it will be an absolute waste of precious energy to try to make choices for others.

How much energy do you waste trying to solve other people's problems? What do you want to let go of?

What if You’re Wrong?

Once I was feeling very defensive about a particular subject in the midst of a conversation with my brother, who had a different opinion. I respect him so much and love him to pieces, so it was easy for me to ask myself, "What if I am wrong?" At that moment, I did not know who was right or wrong, or if that was even an accurate measure of the conversation. I just knew that if my brother thought one way and I thought another, I was open to being wrong.

The next question, the one Christian and I are wrestling with in our piano lessons is especially important. It goes like this, "What happens if I am wrong?" For Christian and I, if we are wrong, neither of us will progress in our piano lessons past a certain point. Sure, you can fudge on the fingering of Hot Cross Buns but I'm working on Debussy's Deux Arabesques and I will NOT master this piece without attention to my fingering.

It was also an important question when I was feeling a bit defensive and on the verge of arguing with my brother. Why would I want to argue with my brother over something I might be wrong about? Even if I'm right, is it worth arguing about with my precious bro? No.

When we ask ourselves what happens if we're wrong, or even if we're right, it allows us to think further ahead than our passions are leading us. Christian wants to play Hot Cross Buns his way but he is neither old enough or experienced enough to even conceive of what those fingers will need to do when he tackles Debussy.

If I'm wrong and defensive in my relationships, I may create needless conflict and hurt feelings. I may act like a jerk. People I love may falsely conclude that I do not respect them or care about their opinions.

"What happens if I am wrong?" OR even..."What happens if I am right but act like a jerk?" are two questions that help remind us to care less about some things because we care so deeply about other, higher values.

Thinking and Rethinking

An easy way to care less and focus more on the issues that really matter in our life is to start assuming we are wrong. I am deadly serious about this. We are wrong most of the time. Our beliefs are often misguided or distorted. Our conclusions are usually more hypothesis than fact. We are wrong most of the time.

It is an awesome spiritual practice to ask yourself, "What if I'm wrong?" Remember, our brain does NOT like to contemplate being wrong. This form of inquiry requires it to fire up extra cylinders and kick itself into a higher gear. No self-respecting brain wants to do that! Our initial response will most likely be something along the lines of, "I couldn't possibly be wrong about this!" Again, just to be clear, yes. Yes. We could be wrong.

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

Aristotle

We will need to challenge our mind - a powerful force that is well suited for denying anything that is inconvenient and will cause more work. When we ask this question, we may discover that indeed, we were right! That's great, but it will in no way grow or develop us. It will always be in the midst of discovering something wrong that we will get smarter, wiser and...better at playing the piano if we will humble ourselves and consider a different perspective.

What are you so sure about that you might need to rethink?

Piano Lessons and Letting Go…

Our grandson Christian is taking piano lessons. So am I. He and I agree that we do not like to work on correct fingering technique. Sometimes it's ok to cross that thumb under my middle finger and continue up a scale, but other times my fingers have a different opinion than the writer of the music lesson.

He and I were talking about our shared dislike for being told what fingers to use and he asked a great question. "Who even decided which finger we have to use Meme?" I mean, come on - the kid is smart but I have more experience!

Here's the thing. I do not know who decides the fingering system for piano lessons, but I know one thing for sure: they know more about playing the piano than I do. So I suck it up and follow the instructions. Meanwhile, Christian wants to talk to a higher authority about this miscarriage of justice. If this continues, I will make more progress than Christian will with my technique. I will be less frustrated. I will have few appointments with the higher ups. Although I appreciate his curiosity and I admire his desire to "do it his way", I am old enough to know that some things are NOT worth fighting over. Fingering on piano music is one of those things.

Sometimes all of us care TOO MUCH about things that do not matter. This saps us of energy for the things that really, really matter. And although sometimes questioning authority, taking initiative and finding creative new approaches to old ways of doing things is awesome - when over-used, it can make life harder than it needs to be for everyone.

I am in the process of explaining such things to Christian. I hope I will have many more opportunities to engage him in conversations about what to care about and what to let go. It has certainly taken me decades to reach this conclusion, but my life is more serene as a result of caring less.

What about you? What have you cared too much about? What do you need to let go of?