No More Pretending…

My husband and I work hard to say no and hear no from one another. This is not how we started marriage. The first eight to ten years, we kept trying to guess what would make the other person happy and do that. It created a lot of suboptimal situations and resentment.

We would decide to go out to eat and hem and haw about where we wanted to go. I'd try to pick a place I thought he loved and later I found out he was doing the same. Often we ended up at a place neither one of us really wanted to go. When we went out to play tennis, in an effort to make me feel better, he would return a ball I hit out without calling it out. This infuriated me. It felt patronizing and besides, if I saw the ball go out I was never in any position to return the shot he sent back over the net. Finally, we got sick and tired of this little game of guessing and decided to get honest - even when it caused conflict.

It has taken quite a while for us to get on track with this, but it is a much more fun way to live. We have more initial conflict over burgers versus sushi, but ultimately if we end up with a third but equally satisfying option to both of us, it's ultimately a big win.

In what ways have you tried to create intimacy in a relationship by pretending? It really does not work well, does it? Today, I am extremely secure in my marriage because I have empirical evidence that my husband loves me for who I am, not who I pretend to be in a vain attempt to keep us happy.

Beware of the Shared Enemy

What is the value of a "shared enemy"? It is a quick but fake way to build a sense of connection. A few years ago, before the world closed for the pandemic, Pete and I were given the lovely opportunity to go to a UVA football game in the middle of our vacation. Pastor's families do not get lots of opportunities to go to weekend sporting events, so this was a treat. It had been awhile since we had seen our alma mater play football and we were happy to drive up from our vacation rental for a game.

It rained. It poured. It was like a monsoon without rescue boats. Pete wanted to stand under the shelter but I figured we were already drenched, what good would that do? I wanted to sit among our people and root for the home team. It turns out, it is possible to get so wet under these conditions that you cannot even peel cash out of your wallet to buy a hot chocolate. Water pools in places that I cannot disclose on a blog. But it was a blast!

Our fellow Wahoos joined together and cheered and jeered and smiled and rolled our eyes at one another with great abandon - although we personally knew not one soul around us. We bonded over the insanity of sitting in a pool of water as the field began to look better suited for the swim team than football.

It was completely fake. It felt good, but it wasn't real. We do not really know any of those people. We shared a moment, not a life. And that's the problem with gaining connection by bonding with folks who think and feel and believe as we do. There is no "ironing sharpening iron" as the proverbs encourage. There is no conflict or opportunities to question ourselves. This is bad. Very very bad.

Try not to bond over a "shared enemy" if you can help it. Because it may unintentionally put people you love in the category of "enemy" and that, that right there? That would be a tragedy.

Accidents Happen

I, like my friend, and maybe like you, have grown up worrying about the reaction of other people to my choices. I have feared several things: disapproval, conflict, hurt feelings...but especially I have feared finding out that I might be wrong or bad. These things - wrong and bad - are kind of measurable. And the facts are in at my age - I'm not bad. I do some things poorly because I'm not Wonder Woman, but I am not bad. Most people are not bad even though many of us are afraid of being bad. Truly bad people NEVER think they are bad - so, if you worry about being bad - you can rest assured you are ok.

Now - being wrong is a different kettle of fish. We are all wrong a lot of the time. This is how we learn. My granddaughter confessed a wrongdoing recently to her Pops and me. We answered in unison, "Accidents happen." She replied, "I know you sillies." I hope we keep reminding our grandchildren in a million little ways that being wrong is human and brings opportunities that being right cannot provide.

We also want to teach them that decent humans understand that it is unreasonable to expect people to get along 100% of the time - again, a lesson I was slow arriving at. People with healthy skills are not afraid of conflict, arguments, or getting hurt. They accept these experiences as part and parcel of the human condition.

Healthy people do not need to care about or agree upon the exact same things. They care about the people they love - whether or not their views align, their hobbies mesh or they pull for the same sports teams. If different opinions causes a rift in the relationship that cannot be bridged, then the relationship may be built on the shaky foundation of the stuff Brené Brown calls, "shared enemy". More on that tomorrow.

A Mighty Good Start…

Yesterday I talked about my friend with the overbearing mom. Her mom, unwittingly perhaps, taught her daughter from a young age that she would never be competent or good enough or responsible enough to solve her own problems. Mom over-reached, over-corrected and over time, my friend developed this bad habit of not trusting herself. Who can blame her?

Recovery helped my friend regain her footing and find her adult self. She says it has been a huge blessing in her life. She tells me that recovery has taught her as much about healthy relationships as it has supported her recovery. Through therapy and 12-Step meetings and support groups, my friend has learned that healthy relationships are when two people solve their own problems while cheering each other on.

Her mom has it backwards. She tries to solve my friend's problem while tearing her daughter down.

Until recently, my friend believed that there was nothing she could do to solve this problem, but it was because she was worrying about solving the wrong problem - her mother. In a way, my friend was modeling what had been taught and modeled by her own mom - worry about other people's issues and ignore your own.

Today, my friend has chosen to assume that her mother is as unchanging as the taste of a Big Mac. But she can change, and she's figuring that out. She has some options, but all of them include absolutely refusing to change her own decisions, plans, and actionable items in pursuit of her own dreams and goals not matter what her mother says. That's a mighty good start if you ask me.

Re-Train Your Brain!

I have a friend who is not as old as I am but old enough to make up her own mind about everything. She can drink or not, smoke or not, work or not, marry or stay single, be sexually active or celibate. These are her choices. But she struggles to make choices because every time she makes a decision her mother gives her grief. Nothing she does is quite right. She's either selfish or not taking good care of herself. She is either too frugal or a spendthrift. The feedback, contrary and inconsistent, would be funny if my friend did not care so much about her mother's approval.

My friend has a boundary problem. I'm thinking about buying her a hoola hoop and suggesting she learn how to wear it as a shield against her mother's intrusion. It's easy to poke at the mom and blame her for my friend's distress, but that violates my core value of taking responsibility for every single part of life.

My friend shares this value but she is struggling to practice it. So is it a value for her? Yes, I believe it is and I have seen her over the years develop good skills with others. But her mom might just be her final test in taking responsibility for her life. All of it. Including learning to reject, let go of, activity resist HER REACTION to her mother's words.

Yes, that's it I think. She cannot control her mother but she can learn how to practice new ways of responding. Her brain, lazy as all brains can be, prefers that my friend respond with despair just like she always did when faced with so much negativity as a child. She will have to try all sorts of new tricks of the trade to re-train her brain to stop caring so darn much about her mother's opinions.

This is hard work. It will be learned clumsily over time, so long as she practices. She's practicing and I'm excited to hear, over time, how it works for her. This I know - if she figures this out, she will be able to be more loving to herself and maybe even her mom. That's a big win from my perspective.