Searching for Shells

In July, Pete and I received and accepted a lovely invitation to go on a beach vacation with our granddaughter, Norah. Norah let her parents come too. I love the beach. But what I love even more is seeing the beach through the eyes of a three year old. Talk about awe!

Norah would stay on the beach and at the water's edge to infinity and beyond. But she spends her time behaving in ways that are exactly opposite of how adults spend their time. I learned a lot watching her. First, Norah does not hoard.

At Folly Beach, research reports that there are two BIG unique components to Folly. 1. More sharks come here to birth their babies in the spring than other places and 2. It has a ton of shells. No one seemed overly concerned about sharks, but the adults are obsessed with collecting shells.

They walk slowly along the water's edge, humped over, scanning the shell-line (yes, there is one) for the perfect shell. Most have small satchels slung over their shoulder to hold their finds. They never look up or around; they do not gaze lovingly at the sea wondering what lies beyond the horizon. They do not watch the birds dive for fish. They pay no attention to the young children learning to surf. They are on a mission and it is all-consuming.

Norah, on the other hand, spent the entire week returning things to the sea. She would find a shell and run into the ocean, hurling it back into the same water that spit it out moments before she found it. She threw handfuls of sand back too. Anything that seemed like it came from the sea, she sent it back with peels of laughter and delight.

Her eyes glanced down to find shells or sand for recycling even as she feasted on sights unique to the beach - on Folly Beach there are many sights to see.

I couldn't help but think about the difference between the two experiences of Norah and the shell-seekers. One looked as if they were afraid of missing something, while Norah assumed that the world was created to give her things that she could turn around and give back.

Which are you? Do you feel that you have to grab in order to get? Or do you believe the world is an abundant place with much to offer with plenty of opportunities to give back as an act of gratitude?

No More Pretending…

My husband and I work hard to say no and hear no from one another. This is not how we started marriage. The first eight to ten years, we kept trying to guess what would make the other person happy and do that. It created a lot of suboptimal situations and resentment.

We would decide to go out to eat and hem and haw about where we wanted to go. I'd try to pick a place I thought he loved and later I found out he was doing the same. Often we ended up at a place neither one of us really wanted to go. When we went out to play tennis, in an effort to make me feel better, he would return a ball I hit out without calling it out. This infuriated me. It felt patronizing and besides, if I saw the ball go out I was never in any position to return the shot he sent back over the net. Finally, we got sick and tired of this little game of guessing and decided to get honest - even when it caused conflict.

It has taken quite a while for us to get on track with this, but it is a much more fun way to live. We have more initial conflict over burgers versus sushi, but ultimately if we end up with a third but equally satisfying option to both of us, it's ultimately a big win.

In what ways have you tried to create intimacy in a relationship by pretending? It really does not work well, does it? Today, I am extremely secure in my marriage because I have empirical evidence that my husband loves me for who I am, not who I pretend to be in a vain attempt to keep us happy.

Beware of the Shared Enemy

What is the value of a "shared enemy"? It is a quick but fake way to build a sense of connection. A few years ago, before the world closed for the pandemic, Pete and I were given the lovely opportunity to go to a UVA football game in the middle of our vacation. Pastor's families do not get lots of opportunities to go to weekend sporting events, so this was a treat. It had been awhile since we had seen our alma mater play football and we were happy to drive up from our vacation rental for a game.

It rained. It poured. It was like a monsoon without rescue boats. Pete wanted to stand under the shelter but I figured we were already drenched, what good would that do? I wanted to sit among our people and root for the home team. It turns out, it is possible to get so wet under these conditions that you cannot even peel cash out of your wallet to buy a hot chocolate. Water pools in places that I cannot disclose on a blog. But it was a blast!

Our fellow Wahoos joined together and cheered and jeered and smiled and rolled our eyes at one another with great abandon - although we personally knew not one soul around us. We bonded over the insanity of sitting in a pool of water as the field began to look better suited for the swim team than football.

It was completely fake. It felt good, but it wasn't real. We do not really know any of those people. We shared a moment, not a life. And that's the problem with gaining connection by bonding with folks who think and feel and believe as we do. There is no "ironing sharpening iron" as the proverbs encourage. There is no conflict or opportunities to question ourselves. This is bad. Very very bad.

Try not to bond over a "shared enemy" if you can help it. Because it may unintentionally put people you love in the category of "enemy" and that, that right there? That would be a tragedy.

Accidents Happen

I, like my friend, and maybe like you, have grown up worrying about the reaction of other people to my choices. I have feared several things: disapproval, conflict, hurt feelings...but especially I have feared finding out that I might be wrong or bad. These things - wrong and bad - are kind of measurable. And the facts are in at my age - I'm not bad. I do some things poorly because I'm not Wonder Woman, but I am not bad. Most people are not bad even though many of us are afraid of being bad. Truly bad people NEVER think they are bad - so, if you worry about being bad - you can rest assured you are ok.

Now - being wrong is a different kettle of fish. We are all wrong a lot of the time. This is how we learn. My granddaughter confessed a wrongdoing recently to her Pops and me. We answered in unison, "Accidents happen." She replied, "I know you sillies." I hope we keep reminding our grandchildren in a million little ways that being wrong is human and brings opportunities that being right cannot provide.

We also want to teach them that decent humans understand that it is unreasonable to expect people to get along 100% of the time - again, a lesson I was slow arriving at. People with healthy skills are not afraid of conflict, arguments, or getting hurt. They accept these experiences as part and parcel of the human condition.

Healthy people do not need to care about or agree upon the exact same things. They care about the people they love - whether or not their views align, their hobbies mesh or they pull for the same sports teams. If different opinions causes a rift in the relationship that cannot be bridged, then the relationship may be built on the shaky foundation of the stuff Brené Brown calls, "shared enemy". More on that tomorrow.

A Mighty Good Start…

Yesterday I talked about my friend with the overbearing mom. Her mom, unwittingly perhaps, taught her daughter from a young age that she would never be competent or good enough or responsible enough to solve her own problems. Mom over-reached, over-corrected and over time, my friend developed this bad habit of not trusting herself. Who can blame her?

Recovery helped my friend regain her footing and find her adult self. She says it has been a huge blessing in her life. She tells me that recovery has taught her as much about healthy relationships as it has supported her recovery. Through therapy and 12-Step meetings and support groups, my friend has learned that healthy relationships are when two people solve their own problems while cheering each other on.

Her mom has it backwards. She tries to solve my friend's problem while tearing her daughter down.

Until recently, my friend believed that there was nothing she could do to solve this problem, but it was because she was worrying about solving the wrong problem - her mother. In a way, my friend was modeling what had been taught and modeled by her own mom - worry about other people's issues and ignore your own.

Today, my friend has chosen to assume that her mother is as unchanging as the taste of a Big Mac. But she can change, and she's figuring that out. She has some options, but all of them include absolutely refusing to change her own decisions, plans, and actionable items in pursuit of her own dreams and goals not matter what her mother says. That's a mighty good start if you ask me.