Is it Good Judgment or Are You Being Judgemental?

Most Thursday nights I have the pleasure and privilege of participating in our Family and Friends Education Program at NSC, in partnership with some other really great organizations, like VCU's Rams in Recovery. This program is designed to support and educate families seeking recovery for a loved one. It is an amazing group; often, someone wants an "after meeting meeting" - in order to get a bit more personal about unpacking a particular crisis or chronic problem related to the topic of the evening.

One evening we talked about the characteristics that foster change: empathy, compassion, unconditional positive regard, etc. These principles are extremely difficult to figure out how to display when confronting a loved one whose addiction leads them to lie, cheat and steal without apparent remorse. (Which, for the record, is rarely true. Most people have deep shame and remorse about the places the disease takes them.)

"Teresa, I hear what you are saying, but I just do not buy it. There is just no way in hell I can withhold judgment after all my son has done. He's a thief. He's broken all the commandments plus a few no one even thought to mention. I am ashamed of my son and I want him to be ashamed too - maybe then he will change."

Yeah, well, it turns out that shame is not a great motivational tool. It encourages hiding and secrets and isolation. It is not helpful. As I listened to this heartsick parent lament, I realized that we need to have a follow up conversation that distinguishes between being judgmental versus having good judgment.

I was NOT advocating for abandoning good judgment. Good judgment in this instance might mean that these parents not give their kid a key to their home and ask him to water the plants and feed the dog when they go on vacation. That's using poor judgment. That's not living in reality. Their son is not capable of that level of responsibility. A parent can know this without being judgmental about this tough truth. There's a difference.

One of the words I over-use on Thursdays is "tone" - our "tone" matters. When our "tone" comes from a place of radical acceptance, even if we mess up the words, our fumbling is less debilitating. When my grandmother told me to "Stay sweet and do not get stout," her "tone" was deaf, but loving. It was wrong, but not toxic. It was poor advice, but not devastating because it was just so obvious that she loved me. Now, she should not have said it and it was a super bad message to give a woman way deep into anorexia. But its effect was blunted because of the tone, the heart of her message. These sorts of problems need correcting - and, eventually I was able to share with her about my personal struggles and she never, ever repeated those words. But judgmental attitudes are hard to address and far more dangerous.

Differentiating between good judgment and being judgmental is challenging. We often need help figuring it out. That's ok, because in no judgment zones, asking for help is easy.

Setting Aside Judgement

One of the first passages of scripture that held me captive for a long, long time was Matthew 7:1-2. It goes like this:

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

(NIV Translation)

In those days, my early 20's, I lived in a world filled with judgment. I could not imagine that it would be possible, even if I wanted to, to NOT judge and be judged in turn. Judgment was everywhere. I felt judged by Matthew 7, the very scripture that encourages NO JUDGING.

My own beloved grandmother, who I adored and was adored by, once told me in the middle of my own bout with anorexia, "Stay sweet and do not get stout." Wowzer, that was a bit off message. I was busy starving myself and she reminded me, in her own subtle way, that there was no such thing as a woman who was too thin.

Judgment judgment everywhere.

In the decades since, I continue to circle back to Matthew 7. I am so much older and much of the judgment of my youth has diminished. I have lost my will to judge, having seen how destructive it is especially in the hands of the ones we love the most. I have also lost my willingness to feel obligated to endure the judgment of others. Of course, there are days of relapse. I try not to judge myself when I fall back into the habits of childhood.

Here is what I am learning about Matthew 7. It is a pathway to freedom, not a judgment in and of itself. As a young woman, I heard it as a command too impossible to obey. Today I hear it as a voice of reason, inviting me, and all of us, into a different kind of life. A life, on the days I can live it, that is quite joyful.

Once we set aside judgment, or it is taken from us as a gift from our divine Healer, we can listen and marvel at all the manifold ways humanity expresses itself. Like Norah, who absorbs the new sights and sounds of Folly Beach without an ounce of judgment, we have the privilege of experiencing people in all their multitude. Matthew 7 is not asking us to get our act together so much as it is showing us what an abundant life looks like - in case, like me, others have never personally experienced a judgment free zone.

Do not judge - we are free not to! We can quit our comparing and competing. Yay for us!

Are You Owning It?

I want to have the kind of life where all sorts of people have keys to my house. Unlike the lady I met on vacation, I do not feel intruded upon when handing over a spare key to someone I trust...and most likely need. In fact, I am lucky to have family and friends who will receive my key and all that it symbolizes.

Our annual lake vacation delights Pete and I; it is predictable and convenient. It is relaxing and fun for us. While others dream of exotic locations and new sights, we are pretty boring but blessedly happy. It's no wonder, what with our anticipation of the arrival day of our departure, that I was more than a little disappointed when, poised to depart for vacation, water landed on my head when I walked under a smoke detector positioned outside my bedroom. Then the alarm began to blare.

It turns out that we had a roof leak and it would take awhile to figure out how to solve the problems we could solve on that rainy Saturday...when we SHOULD have been headed out for our long anticipated retreat. Initially I feared that vacation would be delayed, but quickly realized I had keys and people willing to use them.

Our kids and neighbors all agreed to help us leave. Roofers returned calls, our insurance company was amazing. Vacation was not delayed.

This is why I do not want to move to Delaware even as I admire the moxie of a woman, whose age is certainly north of mine by miles, willing to pull up stakes and set out on a new life...even at an advanced age. But this is not for me. I want "roots that grow deep". My life is not Facebook sexy but it is the one I choose. My responsibility. My way.

What's your way? Are you owning it? Are you willing to take so much responsibility for your life that you can also enjoy all the different ways other people choose to craft their own stories?

Get Rid of Your False Limitations!

"You know, I've decided to move to Delaware," announces my new friend as Pete and I gather our rackets and head to the sweltering tennis courts.

"Why Delaware?" I ask, dragging my feet so that I can hear any words she wants to share.

"Lower taxes."

"Lower taxes? Interesting. Do you know anyone in Delaware?" I ask.

"No, why do I need to know anyone to move to a new place? I didn't know anyone when we moved here from Connecticut. I managed. But I don't like the heat here. And the skiing isn't great here - better up north - and Delaware is closer." She scowls and seems to think that perhaps she has over-estimated me.

"Closer?"

"Closer to good skiing!"

"What do your kids think about your moving to Delaware?"

"They don't like the idea. It'll make it hard for them to get in my business. They keep wanting a key to my house and I tell them, 'You don't need a key to my house; I don't have a key to yours and I don't want one either!' "

In a world where most of us focus our attention on what we are afraid we will lose or never achieve, this little lady scans the horizon for new adventures. Who knows if she will move or not, but I would not bet against her. Isn't there something glorious about a woman who, at her age, still believes that new adventures await her? I love that so much!

So what about you? What false limitations are you placing on your own wild and precious life? Is it possible that you have a new adventures waiting for you?

Later that evening, sitting down on the dock and staring across a lake whose surface is smooth as glass, I marvel at the human heart's capacity to find kinship in spite of our differences.

Go For It!

"It's gonna be hot down there, drink plenty of fluids!" The two courts that we practically had to give blood to pay to use are covered and they are...toasty.

"Oh, we will!" We assure the helpful team of women who have assembled to give us the once over and make sure we are not going to cause any harm to the facility.

My new friend is not quite ready to let us go.

"You play pickleball?" She asks, hands on hips.

"We do, in fact, my husband made a pickle ball court in our driveway!" I reply.

"Yeah? Well, you know, they invited me to play pickleball with them here, and I try to be a good sport, so I came over and played in one of their shindigs...but they told me I was too AGGRESSIVE and they never invited me back."

"Wow!" I am well and truly impressed. We're not talking a spring chicken here - this grand lady is in her 80's at least! And look at her agreeing to take up a new sport with so much energy that she does not get invited back!

I am plenty inspired by this bright yellow phenom standing here holding court and waving her tennis racket around to illustrate her perspective. She is strong and confident and clearly large and in-charge of her life. This is a woman who looks like she takes responsibility for herself and expects others to do likewise.

Life can really wear us down, can't it? Thanks to a long line and a lot of red tape, I had the privilege of seeing the possibility for my own future in the presence of an older, wiser woman. Mary Oliver, beloved poet to many, asks THE question, "What do you want to do with your one wild and precious life?" Go for it!