Radical Candor

At Northstar Community, Scott has begun a new series on the 12 principles of AA, as suggested by one of our faithful Northstarians, Fred. Fred has over 2000 days clean and sober, so when Fred makes a suggestion, the community listens to him.

Although just about everyone has heard of the 12-steps and the meetings associated with mutual aid societies like AA, NA and the like (check out Finding Nemo if you are unfamiliar), I'm not sure everyone knows about the 12-principles. The 12 principles are primarily the work of the founders of AA; early on the group had six principles. By 1939 with the publication of the Big Book, they revised their principles, expanding them to reflect their work and its progress. These 12 principles remain the central guiding influence of the work.

The main text of AA, the Big Book, goes step by step through 12 distinct phases, each crucial for achieving recovery. The heavy influence of the Oxford Group early on in its formation, a Christian evangelical movement, is obvious throughout the work. Similarly, the principles are a single virtue that embodies each step.

The 12 principles are as follows: honesty, hope, surrender, courage, integrity, willingness, humility, love, responsibility, discipline, awareness, and service. In this series, we will be working through the 12 principles. The first is honesty.

Scott led the study by facilitating a discussion on honesty in our Sunday morning group. There were tons of comments, mostly having to do with how hard and risky honesty feels, how fundamentally dishonest most of us are, and the tricky navigation of trying to become honest in a world that we believe will use our honesty against us. Of course, there were counterpoints. Fred reminded the group that the honesty of recovery must be rigorous, there can be no excuses or shortcuts. A few tried to sell the group on their inherent honesty - which, of course, no one actually believed, but received with grace and respect.

Our friends were loud and clear on this point, sometimes it is hard to be honest. For example, a young man sits with his family in an intervention and says, "I do not want to go to treatment." That's honest. Maybe the family says back, " Let me be honest with you, it is going to be so hard to bury you." That is not honest, that is manipulation. Now, the family may honestly have those fears. But the young man is alive and there is no guarantee he will die if he does not go to treatment. They are feeling scared and worn out and they want him to go to treatment, but they were not honest, they communicated their anxiety. Instead, the family may sit there quietly, nod with understanding (Because, let's be honest, does anyone ever want to go to treatment?) and say instead, "What would you be willing to do? We think your using is a problem and we are wondering what could be done about that?" And lo and behold, an agreement is reached! Not everyone got what their imagination desired, but progress is made.

Towards the end of our session, it occurred to me that maybe we could make honesty a tiny bit less challenging by becoming people who could receive the honesty of others. However, there is a caveat that must be laid out for all to consider. Honesty is not an excuse to tell people mean things. The leading phrase, "I'm just gonna be honest here..." sends shivers down my spine, because my experience is that when people lead with that phrase, they are often going to say something that hurts feelings. It's almost a threat. If we lead with the old "I'm being honest..." preamble, aren't we really saying that our honesty provides some kind of protection against further engagement? It's like preemptively using a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. How can you be mad at me if "I'm just being honest"?

Honesty, within the context of this conversation, is not a passive aggressive way of telling another what they are doing that irritates us. Honesty is telling the truth about ourselves. For example, I can tell my husband, "I'm just being honest here. I hate how much sports you watch on tv." That is not me being honest, that is me criticizing my husband. He might respond in kind, "Well, honestly, I hate it when you comment on my tv watching habits." Again, this is not a conversation that is actually about honesty, it is his response to my passive aggressive comment.

Or I could say, "I'm not interested in watching sports every night on tv." That's honest and it is about me. The solution rests with me. I can then decide to do countless other activities, in the same room or somewhere else in our home. The issue is not really about him. I am giving him information about me.

Now, he can take that information and respond honestly in return. "Ok," comes to mind as a likely response. Or he could say, "Wow, I did not know that. I thought we were watching sports in companionable silence (except for those times I am yelling at the refs)." That's honest. That gives me information about him.

Together, we may come up with several different adjustments to our evening routine. We might negotiate something along these lines. Monday night is definitely football night and I will gladly watch with him. But we will not watch sports on Tuesday night. Or we will watch tennis on Tuesdays - because we both love watching tennis. Either way, because we've been honest about our own experiences, the conversation can actually be helpful.

Guideline #1 - When practicing honesty, make sure to practice vulnerability too. Make it about your experience, don't weaponize it. And when others are practicing honesty with you, try to be the kind of person that feels safe to share hard things with. Don't make someone regret their moment of vulnerability by being reactive.

Guideline #2 - When practicing honesty, don't allow it to be an excuse for being disrespectful to the person listening to your honest statement. Be thoughtful and careful in your share; make it about you. And when others practice honesty with you, listen, really listen to them. Pause. Consider what they are saying, see where you can find empathy, understanding, and even agreement.

I guess what I am trying to encourage here are a couple of things: don't weaponize "honesty", be brave and more sincere about being honest about yourself, and finally, practice being the kind of person with the stability and character who can hear hard truths from others.

I'm reminded of the relationship Peter had with Jesus. Jesus was honest with Peter; Peter did not know himself well enough to be capable of being honest in return. Jesus rebukes and restores Peter, eventually. But the relationship is messy. Nevertheless, Jesus chooses messy and honest without having to "break up" with Peter. Isn't this what we all need and long for? Aren't we all messy? What I love about Jesus' response to Peter is that he did not relitigate the whole betrayal debacle. Instead, he asked him, three times, "Peter, do you love me?" Such an honest question!

Perhaps our troubles around honesty have more to do with confusion about what we need to be honest about. Peter was more than his denial, he was also a disciple. Jesus reminded him of who he truly was without requiring a pound of Peter's flesh because Peter proved himself to be human. I wish for us all in this new year the courage and faith to remind each other of who we are - we are not the bad thing. We are not the worst thing we have ever done.

What life are the 12 steps calling you towards?

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

17 So I’m telling you this, and I insist on it in the Lord: you shouldn’t live your life like the Gentiles anymore. They base their lives on pointless thinking, 18 and they are in the dark in their reasoning. They are disconnected from God’s life because of their ignorance and their closed hearts. 19 They are people who lack all sense of right and wrong, and who have turned themselves over to doing whatever feels good and to practicing every sort of corruption along with greed.

20 But you didn’t learn that sort of thing from Christ. 21 Since you really listened to him and you were taught how the truth is in Jesus, 22 change the former way of life that was part of the person you once were, corrupted by deceitful desires. 23 Instead, renew the thinking in your mind by the Spirit 24 and clothe yourself with the new person created according to God’s image in justice and true holiness.

Ephesians 4:17-24, CEB

Seeing as this is part II of our convo on Step 12, I’m going to focus on the latter part: …and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

As I’m writing this, I’m remembering prior conversations we’ve had in our community on Step 12. I can remember people expressing discouragement at the prospect of practicing these principles in every aspect of life. It’s a bit overwhelming. I wonder if it would be so overwhelming if we shifted our focus a bit. 

When we talk about trying to apply principles to various areas of our lives we start to think about performing or behaving. Our fear says something like: I won’t be able to behave the way I’m supposed to in all aspects of my life. That’s too much. 

Part of the reason this feels so overwhelming is because it’s a totally unfocused way of approaching change and growth. If somebody asked me, “What should I work on?” And I answered, “Only everything,” then what kinds of changes might we expect to see? There’s really no way to answer that question- but I would seriously doubt we would see any change at all. When we say “everything” we may as well say “nothing.” Again, because it’s discouraging and overwhelming, like drinking out of a fire hose. 

In light of that- I want to make a recommendation. Let’s focus less on how we should perform the principles of the 12 steps and more on using the 12 steps as a means to become the kind of people we want to be in the world, trusting that becoming a certain kind of people will naturally lead us to practicing our principles in the ways we’re called to. In other words, don’t think about all the places you need to apply the principles. Think about who the 12 steps are calling you to be and let the life you live take care of itself. 

Now, that may help solve the problem of overwhelm, but it doesn’t necessarily solve the problem of focus because we also need to ask ourselves, “But who are the 12 steps calling me to be?” There may be an infinite number of answers to that question…but we at least have some guidelines to operate within. 

Here’s a few ideas:

• We are called to be humble and acknowledge that the universe does not revolve around us.

• We’re called to recognize the importance of asking for help and placing trust in the people (and God) who offer it.

• We acknowledge mistakes and character defects and work to compensate for them (and we continue to do so over and over).

• We strive to deepen our spirituality and to find ways to be a light for others who are living in darkness. 

I am of course selectively summarizing some of the key ideas in the steps and undoubtedly missed some things…but…here’s where we may find our focus, our guidance, our northstar, the thing(s) we want to prioritize in order to move closer to the people we want to be. 

So…I’ll close with a string of overwhelming questions…which of these things stands out to you? Who do you feel called to be? Which of these things do you think would get you closer to that person…and how might you focus 5% more of your energy into doing it?

Spiritual awakening creates better communities

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

When it comes to Step 12, the clearest paths for conversation are: having a spiritual awakening, carrying this message to others, and practicing these principles in all of our affairs. Today we’re going to focus on the first two of those (more or less). 

I’ll give you the gist of this entire blog in a sentence: a spiritual awakening pulls us towards love of others. 

It shouldn’t shock you that I’m saying this, it’s a theme I return to over and over. Spiritual awakenings are not about feeling better about ourselves or feeling better about our relationship to God or feeling calmer or feeling more peaceful. Those things may happen, they may be benefits. But they are not the “end game” when it comes to spiritual awakening. The end game is becoming the kind of person who can be of service to others. Actually- I prefer slightly different language- being the kind of person who can love others. Loving others may look different depending on circumstances. In fact, Romans 12 gives us a few examples. 

2 Don’t be conformed to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds so that you can figure out what God’s will is—what is good and pleasing and mature.

3 Because of the grace that God gave me, I can say to each one of you: don’t think of yourself more highly than you ought to think. Instead, be reasonable since God has measured out a portion of faith to each one of you. 4 We have many parts in one body, but the parts don’t all have the same function. 5 In the same way, though there are many of us, we are one body in Christ, and individually we belong to each other. 6 We have different gifts that are consistent with God’s grace that has been given to us. If your gift is prophecy, you should prophesy in proportion to your faith. 7 If your gift is service, devote yourself to serving. If your gift is teaching, devote yourself to teaching.8 If your gift is encouragement, devote yourself to encouraging. The one giving should do it with no strings attached. The leader should lead with passion. The one showing mercy should be cheerful.

9 Love should be shown without pretending. Hate evil, and hold on to what is good. 10 Love each other like the members of your family. Be the best at showing honor to each other. 11 Don’t hesitate to be enthusiastic—be on fire in the Spirit as you serve the Lord! 12 Be happy in your hope, stand your ground when you’re in trouble, and devote yourselves to prayer. 13 Contribute to the needs of God’s people, and welcome strangers into your home. 14 Bless people who harass you—bless and don’t curse them. 15 Be happy with those who are happy, and cry with those who are crying. 16 Consider everyone as equal, and don’t think that you’re better than anyone else. Instead, associate with people who have no status. Don’t think that you’re so smart. 17 Don’t pay back anyone for their evil actions with evil actions, but show respect for what everyone else believes is good.

18 If possible, to the best of your ability, live at peace with all people.

~ Romans 12:2-18, CEB

That’s really long- and I’m sorry. I’ll write a bit less to make up for it. I’ll be super concise and clear. Here goes. Buckle your seat belt. Starting now. Actually now.

Verse 2 instructs us to ground ourselves in the ways of God (think about spiritual disciplines here) so that our minds (the way we perceive the world) are transformed for the better. As a result of that transformation (spiritual awakening), we live different kinds of lives as it relates to others. Here’s what those transformed lives look like:

• They are based in love. So, don’t be self-aggrandizing (easier said that done). Instead, recognize that everyone has a gift or set of gifts and no one has all the gifts and we’re all just contributing to the group and every role is important.While you’re at it, don’t stand out above the group. 

• This kind of love we’re called to is also genuine which in this context mean being honest about the nature of good and evil, but it also means supporting others wherever they are. If they’re happy, don’t drag them down. If they’re sad, don’t drag them up.

• And while we’re at it- give up on the notion of revenge. Remember the old proverb (not from the Bible): He who seeks revenge digs two graves (aka, one for them and one for you). Revenge doesn’t solve problems, it just makes us worse versions of ourselves. 

Alright. That’s our list. Those are our marching orders. You can stop reading here if you want. But if you’ve got a little attention left in your span, here’s something else for free. 

One thing that is generally true in life is that the more positive our focus is, the better off we’re going to feel. I’m not saying that just being positive is going to cure all of our problems. I’m saying that living in accordance with our values, surrounding ourselves with other people who encourage us, and things like this, are going to give us the best chance at feeling like we’re thriving.

And so, I want to draw particular attention to this part about not being petty and not seeking revenge. It’s quite common to carry around a lot of resentments because of what happened before recovery (or just because life often seems like an endless supply of opportunities to hold grudges). It’s also common to develop a lot of resentments while you’re in recovery. Sharing in the rooms is very vulnerable and any time we’re vulnerable- we’re at risk of having our feelings hurt. Given that, if you’re here for recommendations, here are my recommendations.

Don’t dig two graves. Channel that energy. Harness it. Put it into something more productive. Invest in the relationships that are encouraging. Or let it focus you more intently on whatever it is you’re working on. But- the point is- try to find ways to distract yourself from your grievances.

And you can do this through living just how this passage suggests. By focusing on the good of an entire group. By celebrating and suffering with others. By playing your role. These are all things that you could start doing today, if you wanted. It might even be good for you.

So, I’ll leave this work up to you, but I do really want to know…If you were going to work on this, where would you get started?

To love God, you must first love another…

Step 11: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Last week we talked about the fact that there are multiple possible pathways available to us to get closer to God (i.e., improve conscious contact). The one I didn’t spend much time on, because I knew I’d come back to it this week, is the fact that we can improve conscious contact with God through our relationships with other humans. Now, this is not necessarily part of step 11. I’m just using step 11 as a jumping off point to talk about something I personally care about. And that’s okay, right? There’s no rules here.

So let me just make a fairly tangential point: We can come to understand God through human relationships. The passage below indicates the vast importance of human relationships and how being out of sorts in these relationships has drastic spiritual implications…such that we would need to abandon worship in order to make things right.

Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift at the altar and go. First make things right with your brother or sister and then come back and offer your gift.

Matthew 5:23-24, CEB

Now- I always thought of worship as a holy and sacred act. And I’m not saying that’s wrong. In fact, it’s crucial that we think of worship as holy and sacred. Or to think of God as holy and sacred and therefore worthy of worship. In thinking of God, and the worship of God, as holy and sacred, I also assumed that nothing should ever interfere with it…or else. “Or else what?” I’m not sure…but it just feels like it would be bad to interrupt worship to go do literally anything else.

Except for the fact that we have Matthew 5:23-24. In this passage we find out that there are things more important than worship, including making sure that we’re handling issues of forgiveness, conflict, and/or resentment in our relationships. Being at odds with other people compromises our ability to worship and resolving those conflicts takes priority over completing worship.

This is just how important human-to-human relationships are. If they’re disrupted, our relationship with God is disrupted (not permanently, not irreparably, but temporarily).

I’ve listened to so many talks about the importance of personal, individual spirituality. Talks where spirituality is solely about having your own private practices that you do to engage God. And these practices are good enough.

Except that they aren’t. Your private spiritual practices are less important than prioritizing your human relationships (this doesn’t mean they are not important, it’s just that the status of our relationships is that important). Because if your human relationships are out of sorts, your private worship practices aren’t going to compensate for that. In fact, we’re taught to interrupt them in order to go make things right with others.

Of course- this is being a bit black and white. Practically speaking we can’t leave every Sunday morning when we remember some “wrong” we need to make “right.” It’s obviously not that easy to just “right” our “wrongs.” And we can’t always get others to engage in our acts of reconciliation. I get all of this and it’s important that you get it too. My point with all this is not to make you ashamed of your relationships where things aren’t 100% positive. No relationship meets that standard. My relationships are certainly not all 100% positive. And I’m not interrupting my own sermons to go talk to every single person that I have some issue with or vice versa.

My point is simply this: Human relationships are so important they’re worth interrupting worship to attend to. Problems in our human relationships can create problems in our relationship to/with God. And surely the opposite is likely true: relationships that mirror the love of God likely strengthen or deepen our spirituality as a whole.

So, don’t let yourself off the hook. Don’t downplay the importance of modeling the love of God in your human relationships. And don’t make the mistake of thinking that private acts of worship will cover your struggles to mirror the love of God to people. In fact, if you’re looking to deepen your relationship with God, I’d start by finding a way to love another.

Improving conscious contact with God…and yourself

Step 11: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Last week we talked about the importance of viewing recovery as a process without end. We commit to a process that we never stop committing to. It’s an ongoing refining process. Step 11 hints at something similar: we try to inch closer and closer to contact with our higher power (God of our understanding, what have you). Specifically we’re told that improving conscious contact is the product of prayer and meditation. This is undoubtedly true. I’m also nearly certain it’s an incomplete list…if we’re talking about how one gets closer to God.

I mean…I suppose I should try to make a list…I’m going to withhold a few things though because I will be coming back to this topic next week. But…wonder and awe are things that come to mind. Stereotypically we think of getting in touch with wonder and awe through nature. I’m sure there are other ways. Human relationships are themselves another way to engage and deepen our relationship with God (I’ll say more on this next week). Time for reflection, time for solitude and silence. Time with scripture or other spiritual writing. These kinds of spiritual disciplines surely make a contribution.

Are there other things? Sure, of course. Make your own list! Improving conscious contact with God can be a highly personal process, if you want it to be. If you’re formally working the steps with a sponsor you may hear something different but, for our purposes, we can be flexible and expand some definitions.

Step 11 then tells us exactly what to pray for: knowledge of God’s will and the power to carry it out. I can’t imagine that it’s important that we limit ourselves to this kind of prayer, but it’s an important type of prayer. And it gets pretty close to these verses in Proverbs.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;

don’t rely on your own intelligence.

Know him in all your paths,

and he will keep your ways straight.

~ Proverbs 3:5-6, CEB

We’ve got this idea here about trusting in God’s wisdom and trying to follow the path he lays out before you. Same kind of idea to praying for knowledge of his will and the power to carry it out.

Now-let me throw a wrench in the works- I personally think it’s important to learn to trust your own wisdom and your own gut and I believe God can work through these impulses that we have. It seems as if these verses encourage us to be skeptical of ourselves, but I don’t think that’s exactly what they’re suggesting. I believe we can find a way to look at this passage that teaches us both to place our trust in the Lord while simultaneously learning to trust ourselves: and that is through using our spiritual disciplines to make sure that we’re formed.

When I say formed, I mean grounding ourselves  in God’s wisdom such that it becomes intuitive, becomes integral to who we are. Using spiritual disciplines to ground ourselves in the wisdom of God increases our ability to trust ourselves and our instincts as God begins to give us more and more godly wisdom of our own.

Conscious contact creates a kind of unity between God’s way of seeing and our way of seeing. Our “old” way quiets down as the “new” way ramps up.

For my part, I don’t care what you do so long as you find a practice that feels sustaining and life-giving (and not like torture). Something you can do habitually over time and continue to trust the process as it slowly unfolds.

So, I’ll close with a question…what spiritual disciplines have you practiced that you find life-giving and sustaining?