New things can be "good" without being "better"

People like shiny new things.  I know that I do! I get tired of sofas, slacks and even cars.  I enjoy throwing out the old in anticipation of something new. I wonder if folks are tempted to feel this way about the 12 steps.  12 step meetings show up in Disney movies for goodness sake! Doesn’t that say something about our cultural awareness of AA and the other mutual aid groups?

Sometimes I worry that we have gotten so accustomed to the concept of the 12 steps that we perhaps have not fully evaluated - or taken advantage of - or appreciated - the gift of actually working them.  And they are in every sense of the word meant to be worked!

I had a friend tell me one time that he just got tired of being associated with “the program.”  He lamented, “How many times do I need to go over these damn steps?” I totally understand his perspective.  And to be fair, I know folks who got sober at AA, eventually stopped attending AA and as far as I know are still sober.  (However research indicates that going to AA for 14 years, averaging 3 meetings a week is a best practice.)

The other factor is access and availability.  These mutual aid societies are so accessible, have free access and offer tons of meetings per week.  Is it easy to take them for granted? I dunno. Maybe.

New research related to the association of trauma and the addictive process is challenging all of us to take a good hard look at how we can offer resilience training to those who suffer from substance use disorder.  And I’ve heard people say - “If it’s all about the trauma, what good is AA?” To that I would suggest we actually investigate that excellent question rather than assume that the answer is “Nothing!” Let me issue my own personal spoiler alert and say this - I think that to the extent that mutual aid societies have been a helpful tool in recovery, in part it is because, hidden within the archaic language and repetitive structure, we discover some of the key elements that support and build resilience (antidote to trauma) in those who work the steps!

My thought is that these “new things” (alternative approaches to recovery) are super important AND we should take care and avoid taking a dismissive tone as it relates to AA and other groups.  I am convinced that AA, NA and the rest have some old and hard earned wisdom about recovery that fits nicely with our new-fangled ideas about trauma and resilience. If you are willing, I’d like to explore these concepts for a few days AND challenge us to consider how we might take these findings and use them to guide us in our own recovery journey.  With or without the 12 steps, building resilience is a recovery essential!

How are you doing in the area of trauma, healing and resiliency?

The Good Ole Days

Getting old has its advantages if you look hard enough. One of those advantages is the beautiful gift of experience.  Back in the old days when dinosaurs roamed the earth – you know, the 90’s….our local community had only a few options for treating substance use disorder.  

We suggested that everyone access and use the appropriate mutual aid society like AA, NA, etc. as their recovery resource.  As in all things there were exceptions. Some people were able to afford to kick start their recovery by going into an in-house treatment program.  There were outpatient programs as well. Whatever route a person chose, it ALWAYS led to AA or NA or the like. (Hence the oft heard phrase for folks coming out of treatment, “90 in 90”.)

Today we recognize that there are many pathways to recovery and I am all for this approach!  We are not making the progress we need in the area of treatment for substance use disorder - of course we need to keep trying new things!

But I have a deep and abiding respect for the 12 steps and those who work them. I have a hunch that, as time passes, research in the field of addiction and recovery will find ways to articulate why mutual aid societies have worked for many people trying to get sober and recover their lives.

For the next few days I’m going to talk about my opinions on the subject.  But first, I have to issue a strong warning and a few advisories!

Stay tuned!

What is left to work with?

A few days ago I wrote that some of life’s difficulties are so great that we feel that we lose a piece (or pieces) of ourselves that we can never get back.  When this happens, life can feel meaningless or purposeless. We question whether or not we can go on. What is the point in going forward if we’re broken, if we are a shell of ourselves?  

If that is the place you are in, that may be a question you have to answer for yourself.  I’m not arrogant enough to think that I can provide you with the sense of meaning and purpose you need to persevere with a few words in a blog post.  But, when I have had my own low, dark moments, one of the things that helps me persist is to ask myself this question: What do I have left to work with?  

Here’s why I like this question:  It suggests to me that it’s okay to be broken, and it’s okay to be damaged, and it’s okay to feel that we are not all that we once were.  Yet, just because we’re damaged doesn’t mean we’re destroyed. There is still something there to work with. We still have something to offer to our family, our friends, loved ones, community.  God has plenty to work with, and I say this for two reasons. 1. He can create as much as he needs from whatever is available and 2. God routinely works through damaged people anyway. In other words, he doesn’t need us to be particularly capable in order to make use of us.  

If you’re feeling stuck in life, if you’re feeling hopeless, if you’re struggling with acceptance, if you’re filled with contempt, then I’d humbly suggest you ask yourself:  What is left to work with?

Even if you’re particularly damaged, I believe there is more than enough.

What kind of comfort helps?

11 All his brothers, sisters, and acquaintances came to him and ate food with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him concerning all the disaster the Lord had brought on him, and each one gave him a qesitah and a gold ring.  

~ Job 42:11, CEB

What kinds of things truly offer comfort to those who are hurting?  

I have found it helps to listen, for starters.  Some of you may say, “I’m not really a good listener!”  That’s okay- listening is easy to pretend. Just don’t talk.  Allow the other person room to talk. If you can’t actively listen because of fear or anxiety or some such thing (which is normal) just sit silently and be uncomfortable.  You can do it.

Some level of distraction can be comforting.  I’m not talking about going and getting drunk or high- I’m talking about being distracted by things that are reasonably healthy (or not harmful).  My friends take me out to play golf when I need comfort and we laugh about how much we suck at golf. It helps.

Simple things are often what bring comfort, as opposed to grand gestures.  A hug can be very comforting. A card or note can bring comfort. Simply acknowledging that you know that a hurting person is hurting can provide that person comfort.  It helps knowing that other people see your pain.

When we’re comforted, we realize we’re not alone.  When we know we’re not alone we gain strength. When we gain strength we can move in the direction of acceptance (even if it takes a while).  

What else would you add to the list?

Comfort Fosters Acceptance

11 All his brothers, sisters, and acquaintances came to him and ate food with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him concerning all the disaster the Lord had brought on him, and each one gave him a qesitah and a gold ring.  

~ Job 42:11, CEB

Life sometimes throws things at us that are so difficult that we feel as if we lose a piece of ourselves that we will never regain.  When this happens, it’s appropriate to sit with the loss and to mourn, to grieve. Our faith does not compel us to pretend as if the loss did not happen.  Let’s remember- even after Job reconciles with God, he is still in need of comfort.

Comfort, too, fosters acceptance.  Let’s try to be clear about what constitutes “comfort”, though.  Truisms are not comfort. Cliches are not comfort. Being told that things are not really that bad is not comfort.  Being told that things will get better is not comfort.  As a general rule, people know that things will get better.  What I mean is, we generally recognize that our low points are low points, and that we will not feel so low forever.  

What do you find truly comforting when you are at a low point?