Stop fighting things that don’t serve you
Last week I tried to talk about surrender (the 3rd principle of the 12 steps) in a way that was concrete. I did this to help myself out, to be honest, because I struggle with abstract concepts. The best I can do, surely someone out there has said this “better,” is to think of surrender as the process of stopping fighting things which don’t serve us well.
Perhaps we could think of surrendering as having a few components: the ability to recognize what isn’t serving us well and then the strength to find ways to stop engaging in whatever that thing is. One thing you could do in response to this little post, if you wanted, is to think about what isn’t serving you well right now…and then to think about whether or not you want to address that thing (or those things).
The things that don’t serve us well tend to be habits. They are things we do predictably, over and over, almost automatically. They are patterns. And, each and every one of us has patterns that are useful and patterns that are not so useful. The hard part is trying to figure out how to lean on the useful ones and how to move on from the not-so-useful ones. The following passage from Romans speaks to this, in a way.
Don’t be conformed to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds so that you can figure out what God’s will is—what is good and pleasing and mature.
- Romans 12:2, CEB
Patterns. Who we are, as people, is shaped by our patterns. We know this from research on habits…and long before that research we knew it from Aristotle who called this “virtue.” The things that we do over and over again we’ll continue to do over and over again unless we break that cycle and form new patterns. And so the idea here is to break patterns of thinking that pull us away from God in order to replace them with things that draw us closer.
What are some of the patterns of this world? Well- these are the things our culture teaches us that pull us away from our higher way of seeing and being in the world (aka, the way of seeing and being that aligns with God’s will). Some examples from our culture include: greed, ambition, success, isolation, “strength” (aka hiding weakness and vulnerability), avoiding reliance on others, distrusting other people or groups, blame shifting, scapegoating. The list could go on and on.
What do we replace those with? I’m spitballing here, there are many things that could be said, but forgiveness grace, mercy, generosity, hospitality, warmth, acceptance, openness, love, peace, patience, kindness, and so on. There are no shortage of Godly values for us to prioritize. The hard part is figuring out how to actually do that.
In order to adopt those new patterns, you’re going to have to trust yourself. You need to pay attention to yourself and trust what you see and experience. Experiment with different wayas of chasing these values and see what actually makes a difference. See what things pull you closer to God. If you can do that, then your mind will be refreshed and renewed, you’ll be able to better discern God’s will, and better able to live a life that is both pleasing and mature.
