Weekly Blog
Tips, Tricks, Skills, Spirituality and Wisdom
Are You Trying to Change the Wrong Things?
For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.
There are times in life, of course, when things are mostly outside of our control, which is to say, our influence over these events is small but we have some level of permission to attempt to influence them. There are things that are mostly within our control (we have permission to influence and our potential to influence is high). As far as this particular discussion goes, I'm not concerned with these grey areas. I'm choosing to ignore them. I'm not doing so because I doubt they exist (I believe they do), I'm ignoring them because they don't draw the worst out of us in ways that encounters with absolute powerlessness do.
We are keeping our focus on the distorted illusion of control that comes from our encounters with powerlessness. I know that this is the area where I need the most work. I suspect I'm not alone.
Present Scott’s attack on Past Scott:
Past Scott was very hard on people who struggle to make changes. Control, and our frustration around control, is what happens when we’re struggling to live a life we’re excited to live. I suppose, if I were to rephrase the above in a less shaming way, I’d say that we don’t always choose well when it comes to where we focus our energy in life when we’re frustrated with how life is going. In other words, we often try to change the wrong things.
So I have some more questions for you:
What is something you’d like to be doing more of in your current life?
What are some relationships you’d like to spend more of your energy on?
What are some things that bring you joy that you don’t do as much of anymore?
A Well-Constructed Scaffolding
"Mom, how many therapists do you need?"
"As many as it takes."
"As many as it takes for what?"
"As many as it takes to support my limitations so that I can live my one wild and precious life."
Here is what I need you to know. Your limitations probably are not going anywhere. No one is as shocked by this as I am. I am shocked, stunned, gob-smacked, that I can be this old and still have the same limitations I had when I was twenty. But it is true. And I hate to break it to you, but I bet you do too.
The illusion of youth is that "growing up" means outgrowing our limitations. Sorry. Not my experience.
Instead, what I have learned is how to construct scaffolding around myself to support my growing up. Kate Bowler, one of my favorite humans on the planet, says that, "Life is a chronic condition." And boy is she right!
Maybe we can learn from our brothers and sisters in the mutual aid society world of AA, NA, al-anon, nat-anon, etc. Some things we manage. And that's ok. This is only a problem if we fail to recognize our need for managing our limitations with humility and hopefully a bit of grace!
Too Many Friends?
The man of too many friends [chosen indiscriminately] will be broken in pieces and come to ruin, but there is a [true, loving] friend who [is reliable and] sticks closer than a brother.
Proverbs 18:24
How could too many friends possibly cause us ruin? It's easier than one might think. Here's why. Friendship is hard; if you think you have a ton of friends, you might be misidentifying friendship; it is too hard to be a friend who is reliable and sticks closer than a brother to have but so many friends.
My grandson was telling me last night about his friend at school who he plays with all the time. Yesterday, this friend did not want to play with him. Does that make him an enemy? No! It gave me a chance to teach a toddler about boundaries. Afterwards, I considered how often it seems to me that we adults need to learn this stuff too.
Over the course of our lives we will have many opportunities to explore whether or not a person is a true, loving friend. Their (and our) limitations in the area of friendship is nothing anyone needs to judge. It's not always about whether or not someone is a 'good' or a 'bad' friend. More often, it is a question of discernment - is this person a friend to me? Do they have the capacity to stick closer than a brother? This is a high bar for me because my brother Bobby has set a high bar for my friends. I'm lucky that way.
The trick is to live in reality and not illusion. What does it look like to stick close? Tomorrow we'll explore that topic.
Trusting
I have a hymn I hate. I used to love to sing it; it always made me cry. But then I really thought about the lyrics and today it makes me cry thinking about ever singing it. Here goes...
When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word, what a glory He sheds on our way! While we do His good will, He abides with us still, and with all who will trust and obey.
Just say no. This is not ok. It implies that he withdraws his had of support if we do not trust and obey. But the scripture says otherwise. How did Jesus handle "doubting" Thomas? He let him touch his wounds. (Read John 20 if you want the nitty gritty details.)
Now, perhaps I have giving the hymn too much grief. Let's keep going and see what you think…
Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
Don't get me started. Since when does trusting and obeying guarantee happiness? You see where I'm going with this. This is tiptoeing too close to the line of living in illusion not reality. This reads like a sales pitch to me. Maybe I am too cynical….
Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies, but His smile quickly drives it away; not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear, can abide while we trust and obey.
I beg to differ. How many funerals have I tended over where families have trusted and obeyed; prayed and pleaded with God to save their children from addiction or the effects of a mental illness? I've lost count. But what I do know is that the sighs and tears continue even when families trust and obey. It feels like adding insult to injury to ask these families to abandon doubt, fear, sighing and crying as an act of obedience.
"Someone gave me a cartoon of a street preacher with a sign around his neck that said, "The world is not coming to an end; therefore you must suffer along and learn to cope."
Barbara Brown Taylor, Teaching Sermons on Suffering: God in Pain p.85-86
Carry on. Cope. Just understand that suffering is not a sign of disobedience and happiness is not a guaranteed outcome of faith. I hope this helps you breathe if you happen to be suffering right now.
Buck Up
In 1999 my father told me that the world was going to come to a screeching halt as the calendar rolled over into 2000. He was prepared. He made lots of bullets and stored them in his basement along with a bunch of canned goods. Bullets would be the new currency and if we wanted to survive we could come live in his basement with the rest of the family. This was not the first time the world was supposed to collapse. I vaguely remember in fifth grade being told the world was running out of oxygen and we would all die like fish laying on a hot sunny dock. There were other examples but I think you get the point.
Since the pandemic hit, I've been hearing others talk about global warming, pestilences and plagues, economic collapse and political
unrest. Some of it is even true.
Again, I return to the scriptures for clarity. People have been predicting the world's end practically since its inception. Consider Luke 21. It happened like this. A bunch of people were standing around admiring the Temple and Jesus took the opportunity to tell them that it was all going to end up in a heap of rubble. Jesus continues to hold no illusions. The crowd wanted to know when this would happen. I can only presume that wanted to know how long they had to make bullets and buy canned green beans.
Instead of sharing the date of destruction, Jesus reframed the problem. He told them to watch out for "doomsday deceivers" (The Message translation). He told them not to fall for such foolishness and said this specifically, "When you hear of wars and uprisings, keep your head and don't panic. This is routine history and no sign of the end." Routine history. Scary and painful and confusing history.
Nonetheless - do this. Keep your head. Don't panic. Buck up. Seems like good advice for 2021. Funny and wonderful and miraculous how timeless Jesus' words are for us.