Careful Self-Appraisal…

I failed at self-compassion but my mentors did not. They simply kept mirroring it to me until finally I believed them. They gave me gifts and said kind things to me. They backed up their feedback with data. They did not tolerate my false humility or other tricks to play small.

Here is another thing I have learned. Healing hurts. It really hurts. Our old ways of thinking, feeling and behaving no longer fit our new, changing, growing selves. There are growth pains associated and change is hard.

But here's what's harder: living life completely stressed out, inauthentically and without joy.

The strength that grows from willingness to change does not mean that everything turns out peachy and success is assured. In fact, I continue to fail regularly with great enthusiasm. The difference for me is that success and failure are not longer gauges that determine my sense of well-being.

When we are free of the sting that comes from this false notion that somehow success is required to have a good life, we are actually more prone to improve our lives. Here's how it's working for me.

Suppose I receive feedback that indicates that I did not succeed. Instead of beating myself up, and because, frankly, I don't really care that much about success anymore, I ask: "Is there more I can be doing?"

Sometimes the answer is, "I've done all I can do." This is often the answer. I accept it and move on. Other times the answer is, "I could do a little more." And then I decide if I PREFER to do so. Maybe I decide I do not prefer to do a little more because I really am not invested enough in a different outcome to put in the extra effort.

This is a constant exercise in self-reappraisal. Doing our best may not be that great, but if it is our best, it's all we've got and we are less stressed out if we accept that. I will never be a piano player in public. My playing would scare small children. But I do love practicing and it is beneficial for me. I do not consider it a waste of time because my goal is not to succeed at it.

So now, let's think about what your goals are. Consider a careful self-reappraisal. Are you wasting energy trying to be successful in areas where "good enough" is all that is necessary? Can you squeeze in more rest as you loosen the chains of achievement?

Holding the Truth Gently…

In my first meeting with my new therapist, the one I hoped would keep me out of the hospital, she told me that I had no clue what self-compassion was, and I needed to learn. She's a straight shooter! Honestly, this was news to me.

She pointed out patterns I had of making excuses for the bad behavior of others and calling that compassion. According to her, that's not compassion. Compassion is the ability to hold the truth...gently. If we do not do it for ourselves, we will never grasp how to do it with others.

Diligent practice of self-compassion lowers stress hormones and improves mood. Self-compassion that results in self-forgiveness is associated with greater physical and mental well-being.

None of this diminishes our motivation, although people fear that outcome. We seem to think that if we're not being hard on ourselves, maybe we'll go all soft and stop trying. This is NOT true.

If self-compassion feels like a bridge too far, how about starting with lovingkindness towards others?

Who Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up?

“You don’t have to be sorry for being yourself. So start loving your sarcasm, your awkwardness, your weirdness, your unique sense of humor, your everything. It will make your life so much easier to simply be yourself.”

The kissing cousin to compassion is self-acceptance. We figure out how to respect ourselves just the way we are because of our inherent worth, not because life is perfect. This does not mean that we just sit back and smoke cigars on the porch. No indeed.

Self-acceptance and compassion are the early companions of transformation. Once we accept where we are, we can choose, if we want to, to begin wrestling with where we might want to go.

One of my spiritual friends has asked for some specific support as she continues her spiritual journey. I asked her to tell me what her horizon looks like. “Huh? What did you say?” she replied.

“Your horizon. Where are you heading?”

“Oh. I hope Bermuda once this pandemic lifts.”

“Not where you are going or what you are doing,” I clarified. “I want to know your WHY for being. I want to know how you want to “BE” and “BECOME” in the future.”

She is scratching her head over the question; I look forward to seeing her response. In the meantime, how about you? Who do you want to be when you grow up?

Self-Compassion vs. Your Inner Critic

Daily I remind myself that I have a right to slow down and breathe. I am not a productivity machine. I have permission to simply be.

Krista O’Reilly Davi-Digui

Self-compassion is as good as a daily mutli-vitamin! We are doing the best we can! But we live in a world that keeps demanding MORE MORE MORE. Only you can choose to jump off the high speed train that is headed for a hard stop into a brick wall.

Rest and care are such foreign concepts to some of us, me included, that I needed some examples to even understand the way compassion might look on a daily basis. Here are a couple from real life:

I zoomed with a father who wanted to stop drinking so much. The pandemic revealed that his social drinking had escalated to the point where it was not a problem. He did not realize this when he was having martini lunches with clients, happy hour with co-workers, and returning home for a nightcap with his wife. Once he started working from home his consumption increased. It was hard to NOT notice the bottles piling up in the recyclables. He was home all the time, his wife and kids began complaining about his moodiness. Hung over in the morning and sloshed by 7 pm, the family was starting to wish that he would take the risk and go back to the office.

He said this: “I am disgusted with myself; I’m turning into my father. A lush I vowed to never imitate. I hate my life and my life hates me.”

Bummer.

Knowing that nothing good would grow from shame, I suggested we work on compassion before we tackled the drinking. Shocked by my suggestion, he agreed. Eventually, he chose to replace his inner critic with a compassionate inner mentor (an image I totally ripped off from one of my friends). When he would start with his harsh perspective, I’d call a time out and ask for a reframe. Typically, this is where we would land: “I need to stop beating myself up and figure out next steps. Although my drinking is an issue, I acknowledge that and I am getting support to change that. I am not my father AND I want to be a better father to my kids and more loving and present husband to my wife.”

Eureka! Our conversation shifts. We move away from limited discussions about how to give up drinking and pivot. He finds his “WHY” - be more loving. We explore what that looks like. And, yes, it does require him to lay off the sauce. But not because he is like his father, or cannot handle alcohol. His WHY is so that he can BE the guy he wants to become. See the difference? What compassion do you need to show yourself today?