God promises protection

I freak out sometimes when I think about my resentments, fears, and whatnot. This is the perfect time to return to the scriptures for comfort. This is one of my favorites...

Who stood up for me against the wicked? Who took my side against evil workers?

If God hadn’t been there for me, I never would have made it.

The minute I said, “I’m slipping, I’m falling,” your love, God, took hold and held me fast.

When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up.

~ Psalm 94:16-19, The Message

Today, find ways to notice and express gratitude for the ways God has been there for you and those you love!

Resentments, Fears, and Sex

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous suggests focusing on three areas when completing an inventory: resentments, fears and sex. Those are the big three.

The first list is dealing with resentments. The Big Book describes this process for making the list: “In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we are angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocket-books, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened.”

Because you may have a journal full of feelings, resentments may be already in your chronological list. After the list of resentments is completed, briefly describe the cause of your resentment.

Next? List all the ways this resentment affects you.

Along the way you will uncover many instances of people who have harmed you. You may find yourself becoming MORE angry, MORE depressed or MORE eager to withdraw from others. This is the time to rely upon those meditation and prayer practices you have been developing. You may need to ask for extra support if creating your resentment list agitates you in ways that threatens your recovery.

Maybe you are not doing an entire inventory. You COULD choose to pick one resentment and do this exercise, just to see what you discover!!

A Meditation Moment

Whew! We’ve been dealing with some tough topics! Today, find your breath! Go for a walk. Walk mindfully. Pay attention to your feet hitting the ground, notice the world around you. Listen to your breathing. Notice colors, sounds, smells. Walk leisurely. When you find your mind wandering, take a deep breath to reset, pause for a few beats, and then continue your stroll.

A list of areas where you may need accountability

As you make your Fourth Step lists, here are some categories to ponder. Within each category, we may find particular patterns of harm (either ways we have been harmed repeatedly or ways we have habitually harmed others) - so pay attention and look for patterns! For example, I have a friend who has been married a couple of times to women who have cheated on him. I have another friend who struggles with over-spending, even though her income has increased dramatically in the last few years.

God -

Religion -

Sex -

Marriage -

Family -

Parenting -

Relationships -

Career/Job -

Finances -

Self -

As you think about these categories, here are some questions to answer:

1. Which areas are most upsetting for me to consider?

2. What patterns do I notice? (Abuse, abandonment, manipulation, etc.)

3. Am I keeping secrets from myself and others?

4. Do any of the possible shortcomings that I identified in previous studies show up?

If any of these areas feels particularly upsetting or triggering for you - please talk to someone on your support team about your reaction. Again, if you aren’t doing a fourth step - thanks for hanging in with us!

Sometimes we slide into unconscious living

As patterns become deeply ingrained and rewarded with little shots of dopamine, we lose consciousness of them. It makes identifying them a challenge. Two examples of patterns:

I have a pattern of shutting my feelings down. I feel ashamed. I feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable about being uncomfortable so I distract myself by going on a diet (food restriction) or doubling up on my exercise (calorie burning) BECAUSE THIS IS MY PATTERN.

One of my brothers had a pattern of getting a really great job with a decent salary. When he had money he could buy drugs. When he used drugs he eventually lost his good job. This made him feel ashamed but he also learned to shut down his feelings. He shut down his feelings by using drugs. He eventually gave up this pattern, which is awesome.

In recovery, we work our Fourth Step and discover that our patterns, practiced until they become compulsions, give us all sorts of material for a Fourth Step list: resentments, fears, shortcomings, and more.

Both my brother and I learned that we could not identify our own particular pattern until after our Fourth and Fifth Step experiences. But AFTER we identified our pattern, we were better equipped to understand our reactions and develop new skills to support new, healthier, pro-recovery responses to life.