Pay attention to your own defects of character...even when you're surrounded

Religion is so confusing to me. Last week a pastor came in to report another heartbreaking scenario. He was in a committee meeting and one of his fellow staff members said, “When are we going to rid ourselves of the stench of this guy?”

If I hadn’t actually known and worked with this stinky guy they were referring to in the meeting, then maybe I would have just nodded and listened well. Instead, a hot rage rose up within me. Stench? Really? If by stench you mean faithful, hardworking, caring, driven, skilled, creative, sacrificial, principled and loyal - well, he does reek with the FRAGRANCE of a godly man. I wonder if that smells offensive to those who do not share his same spiritual DNA. But that raises another question. Who WOULDN’T long to be a person for whom others would describe as: faithful, hardworking, caring, driven, skilled, creative, sacrificial, principled and loyal? I am so confused. The following morning I turned to my prearranged bible reading for the day and found this waiting for my hurting heart:

“Be wary of false preachers who smile a lot, dripping with practiced sincerity.

Chances are they are out to rip you off some way or other. Don’t be impressed

with charisma; look for character. Who preachers are is the main things, not

what they say. A genuine leader will never exploit your emotions or your

pocketbook. These diseased trees with their bad apples are going to be chopped

down and burned.

~ Matthew 7:15-20 The Message

So here we go, with this warning and directional invitation. Look for character. Where? In ourselves. My work is to not judge the character of any of the participants in this ongoing albeit tragic drama (and it is to my own shame that I do judge the guy who said such a naughty thing). My work is to examine my own reactions to life and get curious about who I am and who I intend to become. There is great liberation in releasing all forms of critique and judgment. I may not be able to stop the instantaneous reaction my body has to all the stories told in whisper behind my closed door. But I can pause to consider who I am as I listen and respond. In the next set of blog posts, we will wrestle with how to handle those days when we are confronted with our own reactions that do not match our intentions for who we want to be in this world. How about you? Who do you spend more time noticing - the actions of others, or the reactions of yourself?

When we're challenged, we get defensive

There is no happiness if the things we believe in are different than the things we do.
- Albert Camus

One of the conversations we have been hammering on at NSC lately is about this idea of ambivalence. We have learned from others that ambivalence can be a barrier to change. Since we live amongst people who desperately want - and need - change, any barrier to change is serious.

This is one of the reasons we are also harping on listening better because we know that better listening is one way we side-step ambivalence. Ambivalence is a big word for internal conflict about making a change.

Maybe I want to lose ten pounds so that I can fit into my favorite jeans; but I do NOT want to go on a diet. I am ambivalent. This is because I have competing core values. On the one hand, diet is a dirty word for a person in recovery from an eating disorder; on the other hand, I do NOT want to have to buy new jeans.

When we feel ambivalent and somebody tells us what we should do, our most natural response is to take the opposite position and argue for it. If Pete tells me diets are stupid, I want to change my eating habits. If he tells me that he agrees with my assessment and I could use to lose a few pounds, I fantasize about chopping him up in little bits and burying him in the backyard.

Listening skills like the ones we are learning help us avoid accidentally creating an ambivalence trap. This trap can keep us stuck for a long time. New ways of listening can help us help others make changes that benefit them and others!

A way to practice new kinds of conversations

We have “couple” friends who have a common marital set up. One is an extrovert, the other an introvert. The introvert loves long silences and takes it as an indicator that she has married the perfect mate; the extrovert sees any silence as a sign his spouse is secretly preparing divorce papers.

Making sure that both parties get a chance to be heard is important to maintain the integrity of the relationship. Because my friends kept getting into fights about confusing silence as either an intimacy turn on or a bid for disaster, they came up with a plan to take turns talking.

One person talks at a time, and the length of time is pre-arranged. Then they switch roles. During these daily check-ins, they have chosen to practice their listening skills. They try using open-ended questions, expressing attentiveness through eye contact, and NOT doing all those naughty things that cause road blocks.

Both feel affirmed and loved and their confusions about marital happiness appear to be in the past. At first their friends thought they were acting weird and too artificial with their scheduling. But secretly, each spouse reports that as artificial as this system feels, it is both a blessing and a challenge.

The introvert reports that she has had to up her attentiveness and conversational game; the extrovert reports a surprising discovery - he has not been very curious about his wife’s inner life. Both muse: “We wonder if we really would have been happily married if we had not addressed our I/E differences.”

CHALLENGE: Do you talk too much or too little? Do you make space for your loved ones to talk? If so, are you listening attentively? If not, how do you keep current with what their life is like?

Love because you want to give

Most people see the problem of love primarily as that of being loved, rather than that of loving. Love is primarily giving, not receiving. Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love.

~ Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving

CHALLENGE: How has your insecurity about being loved interfered with your capacity and commitment to loving? What issues has this caused for you and those you love?

Intensity breeds Intensity

I am probably one of the more dramatic people Pete ever has to deal with. I have a habit of bringing home a personal disaster report and asking him to listen to my tales of woe. He, in turn, gets confused by my sharing, thinking I am asking him to solve my problem(s), which of course I am NOT.

I, in return, get irritated with him. Why does he think I always need help solving my problems, I wonder? Of course, it never occurs to me to ask. What else is he supposed to think if I bring home daily reports of plagues and locusts? If there is a disaster, shouldn’t we all get our hands dirty and start a disaster relief effort?

Once I began moderating my intensity language and we began actively working on our listening skills, life has gotten both calmer and conflict decreased. But the capacity to actually practice new skill sets and have tough conversations without blaming one another is rooted in what? Unconditional positive regard.


CHALLENGE: Do you believe that the people you love know all the way deep into their bones that you have unconditional positive regard for them?