Meditation Moment

After I had cut off my hands

And grown new ones

Something my former hands had longed for

Came and asked to be rocked.

After my plucked out eyes

Had withered, and new ones grown

Something in my former eyes had wept for

Came asking to be pitied.

Denise Lefvertov, “Intrusion”

New problems arise as we rid ourselves of old ways. It’s ok; that’s life; and what a rich, full life it can be - may you love yours today!

Change and More Change

For decades I refused to weigh myself. I reasoned that weighing myself multiple times a day was a symptom of my eating disorder and concluded that continuing the practice was not good for my health. There are some haunts, humans and habits that need to be eliminated in early recovery; weighing myself was one of mine. It was a good decision in the early years of my journey. In early recovery weighing myself would have been a triggering behavior. My brain was so re-wired for disordered eating that any actions associated with the disease had to go.

A few years ago my trainer, also in recovery from an eating disorder, challenged me about this avoidance technique. She asked, “Do you think your recovery is not robust enough to handle an honest measuring every now and then?” She clarified her comment by assuring me that she was not encouraging me to step on a scale. What she was asking me was if stepping on a scale was still a trigger.

Step Ten requires great moral courage. We have to examine our actions in the moment. We ask ourselves if our behavior and feelings and thoughts are congruent with the intentions we have set for ourselves. When they do not, we admit and correct as needed.

My trainer was asking me to be a person of courage and reconsider my actions. Ultimately, I chose to re-introduce the scale on a limited basis. Later she admitted to me that she wanted me to know that I was objectively healthy. I was “normal” by all health standards.

She had this sneaky suspicion that my avoidance was less about healthy recovery and more about fearing that I was abnormal, not well, disordered. Of course, this required me to humbly accept her words of encouragement as truth. Again, not easy but necessary.

A tenth step is as vital for identifying change and progress and results from our efforts as it is about catching problems early before they get out of hand.

Some Stuff is Simple...

Sign on to a process and see where it takes you. You don’t have to invent the wheel every day. Today you’ll do what you did yesterday, tomorrow you’ll do what you did today. Eventually you’ll get somewhere.

Chuck Close, “Note to Self”

Look, let me get real with you. Some changes are simple AND make a big difference. When my husband learned he was sensitive to peanuts he had to give up a daily lifelong habit of eating peanut butter. He was not sure he could do it. He was not willing to throw the peanut butter jar away - that felt like too big a commitment. So we moved it out of the kitchen onto a high shelf in a different room. We didn’t lock it up. In fact, the shelf is in Pete’s office - he could eat that stuff using a pen or pencil anytime he wanted. But that’s not his habitual way of eating peanut butter. His habit involved Ritz crackers (which he was also no longer allowed to eat) and a small plate, a knife, and a dab of peanut butter. But the disruption of the habit - getting the peanut butter out of the pantry - disrupted his compulsion.

The peanut butter is gone. His eating habits align with his healthy habits.

It was moving the jar 10 feet that made a world of difference.

Sometimes change is just that simple.

What small changes could you make to help you practice who you want to be?

New Problems

“Mental health is the process of trading in one set of problems for a better set of problems.”

Nathaniel Branden, psychologist

When we began this journey our presenting issue was a plaguing dependency of some sort that left us breathless with the power it had over our lives. I was reminded of those days when I was having a conversation this week with a woman who was considering entering treatment for a cocaine dependency. She was so tired. She was tired of worrying about her supply. She was tired of sneaking around. She was tired of being broke. She was tired of the distrustful and/or worried glances from her loved ones. She was tired of the problems at work that her using was causing. She was so tired.

I listened and affirmed and encouraged her as she expressed ambivalence about getting into treatment. I do not know what she will decide, but I am aware that she will indeed be turning in one set of problems for better ones if she decides to enter recovery.

The dependency may go into remission. Her honesty and efforts will invite her to deal with the issues of her underlying maladaptive coping skills and defects of character. Up next? Will she be willing to ask God to remove her shortcomings? Is she ready to let go of her old ways of defending herself in a world that feels hostile? What will she decide about amends making and righting wrongs?

Finally she will arrive here, the very spot we find ourselves! Step Ten - the step that addresses the problem of maintaining our serenity and peace of mind. Overall, this is a great problem to have. It’s a first world problem compared to the pressure of keeping our dirty little secret dependency well fed and out of sight.

Along the way we adjust and rebuild. We develop new habits and release old ones. Step Ten is the step that helps address the problem of self-sabotage. We plan our day, live responsibly, evaluate ourselves and quickly make necessary course corrections. Nonetheless, it will require attention and diligence!

Examen Suggestions

Here are some suggested questions that might help you format your own daily examen practice. We need to use formats that we will actually use - so do what works for you. This checklist can be modified and used immediately to help us find areas for celebration and areas that we want to explore further with a sponsor, mentor or spiritual director. It can be customized to fit our particular shortcomings and strengths - both things we want to track. Finally, we make note of any actions we need to take the following day to make amends, make right a wrong, or adjust our approach.

Daily Checklist:

1. Did I lose my temper?

2. Did I remain patient in a difficult situation?

3. Was I selfish?

4. Was I unselfish?

5. Did I practice self-seeking behaviors?

6. Was I dishonest?

7. Did I practice honesty?

8. Did I tease, belittle, insult or diminish anyone?

9. Was I critical of myself or another person?

10. Did I affirm, validate, or uplift anyone?

11. Did I worry or over-react?

12. Did I pause and respond with calm in a challenging situation?

13. Was I disrespectful to myself or another person?

14. Did I treat myself or someone else with respect?

15. Did I blame anyone for my actions?

16. Did I accept personal responsibility without making excuses?

17. Did I indulge in self-pity?

18. Did I practice self-care (good nutrition, exercise, meditation, service work, meetings, etc.)?

19. Was I resentful?

20. Did I express gratitude?

21. Did I serve others?

22. How did I feel today?

23. When was I aware of conscious contact with God?