What Do You Need?

If I were drawing a road map for recovery, I would be a different human because I cannot draw.  But I do have some thoughts on the general structure of the long and winding road to healing.  Here’s something to consider.

My toddler friends have got it going on.  They state their needs and wants with shrill clarity.  If we do not hit the mark, that’s ok, but it’s not like they just sit down and take our inadequacy.  Norah likes protein bars, but not the peanut butter or chocolate ones.  Christian likes the peanut butter protein bars, hates the chocolate ones but will take them anyway and just stuff them in a couch cushion.  They all taste the same to me.  Sometimes I try to trick them if I am out of one or the other.  It never works.  They don’t judge me, they just do not eat the bar.

Eventually, these kids will grow up and lose their innocent demands for everything they want.  We call that maturity.  I’m starting to wonder if it is best described as trauma.  Look, I’m not looking for turning the world into a bunch of spoiled brats.  

What I am suggesting is that we have lost our mojo as adults in this area.  Or maybe it is just me?  Definitely this is a me problem.  

But I wonder...do others also need to hear that their needs are not a problem?  That it is perfectly fine to have wants too?  That expressing such things is helpful for both the asker and the receiver?

We learn from the process.

We learn about each other.  

We learn who can hold our requests and who cannot.  

None of these discoveries is inherently a bad thing.

I think one of my childhood experiences included being careful what you ask for so as not to get disappointed.  But my friend Ginny once taught me that if you do not ask, you never get a “yes”.  That’s good advice.

So for today, maybe think about what you need and then consider who the appropriate person is to express that need to.  Consider what you want, and ask yourself how you can take responsibility to make that happen.

How Do You Show Up?

Thus far in these blogs we’ve moved from isolation to connection.  We talked about finding support and holding; we talked about the awkwardness of approaching a person, group or community for support only to find out that they weren’t handing out that particular kind of support.  Or, in a really spooky turn of events, going for support and finding a community that begs you to support them.

In all these scenarios, honesty and vulnerability really help.  It can mend small tears in the tapestry of tribal life when we all understand each other’s needs and wants.  Usually a fit can be found - even if it takes a while.

Eventually, at some point, if we are going to mature and thrive, we need to get a handle on our readiness to move from asking to be served and becoming a servant.  This, it turns out, does not require anything formal, like a job description, because this is more of a calling.  

At some point, whether it is 10 weeks or 20 years as part of a community, a pivot might be appropriate, even required, in some communities based on their value propositions.  Listen up - no pivot is required in a community like ours.  Pivoting is not our core value.  BUT.  It is a necessary step in the transformation process.  No one needs to take that step, especially if they need support and holding in our community.  But it is good for everyone to sort of understand that going into the relationship.  

At some point it becomes more blessed to give than to receive if one is going to develop into a person who can live in mutuality with others.  There may come a time when we look around and say, “This is not ABOUT what I need or want.”  This is not the ONLY feeling one would have in a community, because we all oscillate between needing and wanting and giving and blessing others with our Super Powers.  But it would seem that in the grand scheme of things, the lottery winners among us are those who have the capacity to sprinkle in giving and blessing with their wanting and needing.  

If this is true, then there is some structure to our taking responsibility plus seeking accountability.  Stay tuned.  We’ll get into that tomorrow.  For now, ask yourself:  how do I show up for life?  Do I state my needs and wants so as to help my community understand how to respond?  Do I have no needs and wants, just a ton of expectations of others?  Am I agile - able to receive and give as needed?  Where am I looking for support and who am I supporting?  How do others experience me?

Finding Your Community Connection

What happens if we show up for community asking for holding and support but the community thinks we are there for other reasons? That’s a problem. Look, there is nothing inherently wrong with showing up to a community and asking for support - especially if you pick the appropriate community. I do not suggest going to an AA meeting and asking folks for help figuring out how to manage drinking. AA doesn’t believe in managed drinking - their gig is abstinence. If you go to AA looking for moderation, don’t be surprised if you do not have that, “AHHHHHHHH….” my tribe vibe.

When Pete and I were newlyweds we started going to church because we didn’t want his mother to cry if we did not show up. It did not take long for us to find a connection point and we LOVED it. We made friends; we found spiritual direction; we found our way home to faith and a community we chose to give our lives over to. What we needed at that time was probably a lot of support and holding, with a side order of service work. We would have been good coffee makers, or name tag writers, or greeters (well, maybe I could have been a greeter). What we ended up with was leadership positions and teaching responsibilities.

This was not great for us or the poor souls that were stuck with us. But we persevered and there were many lessons learned - just probably not from us! We learned about faithfulness and hosting and feeding and lesson planning and all sorts of OTHER things that when I think about, I feel the urge to speed dial my therapist. But on the whole, it was good.

It could have been better. If we could have known what we needed and asked for it, I suspect our spiritual directors would have heard our cries. Instead, we tried to please them. Imagine this. Imagine a community where we choose our color-themed name tag at the door, just so everyone could be on the same page. Red - I am a hot mess, help me! Orange - I am feeling the burn, hitting my stride - what heavy loads can I help lift? Blue - I am introverted and easily overwhelmed. Step back but in a friendly way and eventually I’ll approach you. On and on it could go, a mosaic, a rainbow of clarity.

Responsibility, in this situation, would require me to accurately choose my name tag. Accountability would involve me asking someone whose color I admire to support me as I move from my color to another hue. Core values would be what would drive a community to accept all the colors, some of the colors, or, perhaps on some days, make sure it figures out its name tag color and discloses it.

Our newlywed class told Pete and I that we were called to lead; it sounded like a command. And I have no idea how either of us could have possibly given anyone that impression! Looking back, we would have been less nervous and freaked out if we had been told, “Look, we have lost our class leader and teacher and we are pretty desperate, could you help?” We would have said yes; we would have done something; we may not have done everything they asked us to do; but we would have also not needed Pepto-Bismol before church every Sunday and maybe we wouldn’t still be talking among ourselves about that time in our lives and feeling ashamed of our lack of skills, maturity and knowledge.

Healing Through Community

Here are my old lady observations on the subject of community and its relationship to accountability, responsibility, and core values….

Isolation is terrible for mental health - but just being around people is not an automatic cure-all. At certain times in our life we need to reach out to community (however you define that) and ask them to hold and serve us. It might start with a therapist, or a visit to the ER. It might be finding a local club that fits your interests, mutual aid society or church. It is totally normal to have seasons where we show up and say, “AHHHHHHH…..” my people. And if it is an appropriate place to get these needs met, and the community has the tools it needs, this can be an amazing time for healing.

There will come a time when that itch is thoroughly scratched, and we begin to say, “What next?” If we need more support and holding, we need to define another need and find another community to scratch that little place on our back that we cannot reach. “AHHHHHHH…..” It may be a different therapist or a new home group or a new hobby or even a new church.

This is one helpful way to interact with community. It can serve us reasonably well. If our deepest need and core values are to find support and healing, then this is one way to achieve that and it is awesome if we can continue to seek and find.

Tomorrow, a further discussion on community holding and supporting.

The Paradox of "Me" and "We"

Lately I have reread some of my favorite authors and added a few new ones to the mix. I chose them for their healing power, their capacity to inspire me, and their ability to teach me how to be responsible.

In isolation, we have time to really hone in on some personal responsibilities. That’s great. But here’s the thing that I feel in my bones and read about in the writings of others. Personal responsibility is a nice tool; it is not a very sturdy tool box. In other words, it’s great to work on ourselves - a must really. But if we lose touch with our responsibility to “other” - I’m not sure there is a tool or box big enough to satisfy what our soul longs for. Which is, of course, connection.

Pause and breathe.

Yesterday I suggested that we were too focused on “other”; today, I am suggesting that we are not focused enough on “other”. Don’t you just love a good paradox?

When we focus on “other” to fix “me”, to serve “me”, to tell “me” what to do and maybe do half of it for me, we are going to end up frustrated, resentful, depressed and ironically enough - self-focused. When we focus on taking responsibility for “me”, if we are like most people, we eventually discover that “me” is not enough. We need our “me” to intersect with the larger “we”. I need “we” for connection; if the gurus are right, this is a universal need. But if I only care about “we” for what it provides for me, I miss out on the healing powers of becoming a person who contributes to the “we”, not just sucks it dry.

For the next few days, I want to unpack community and core values within the context of accountability and responsibility. Stay tuned.