Weekly Blog

Tips, Tricks, Skills, Spirituality and Wisdom

Teresa McBean 1/3/18 Teresa McBean 1/3/18

Stuck in a rut

Most of us want to have a life that has less conflict and more congeniality. And yet, we often find ourselves stuck in ruts of existence in spite of our desires to live a more fulfilling life. Day three of a new year, a typical time for us to set resolutions for change or feel the malaise of defeat – giving up on even daring to expect change after years of collapsed good intentions and no meaningful transformation. This is our norm.

If you are tired of being sick and tired and want to take a step toward a more fulfilling life, listen in to Sister Monahan’s experience in AA – notice what changed for her that allowed her to tackle her demons and recover her life:

I learned that the absence of cross-talk [no advice giving, critiquing or

commenting on other people’s sharing] both protected me from overt criticism and

gave me no cause for wasting time in an imagined rebuttal to what others said. So the challenge put to me by their honest disclosure, not only about their drinking and how the program worked for them, but about themselves, warts and all, was an interior one. My only task was to figure out what I really felt and thought and then to say it as clearly as I could. No small task that, and more helpful to me than any amount of criticism. And I learned that meetings calmed me, brought me peace….As best I can figure out now, these beneficent results come from listening.

Here are some suggestions that I take away from her experience:

1. 95% of the time in a meeting one is listening.

2. Silence and attentiveness are healing.

3. Finding a community that can hold suffering is like a giant hug for the soul.

4. Criticism rarely helps heal.

What great intentions have you promised you will accomplish this new year? Are you already discouraged by the choices you’ve made these first few days? Perhaps you didn’t start this devotional blog at the beginning of a new year even though I’m writing it along that timeline. Can you still relate? What precipitates fresh starts for you? If not a new year, what? Do you find yourself stuck in spite of your goals? What suggestions from above might be applicable to you? How will you take action in light of these considerations?

Teresa McBean 1/2/18 Teresa McBean 1/2/18

Belonging isn't easy

Brene Brown writes the most amazing books. In her book Rising Strong, she provides the guiding principles that she has in her own organization. I’ll get to those in a second, but here’s the main point for us to consider today: she and her organization are operating by guiding principles.

This is uncommon but necessary for belonging. There is this tendency to get sentimental about belonging. “Hey, come! We accept everyone!” I love the sentiment but it can be taken too far. In almost twenty years of recovery ministry I can count on one hand the number of times that we have had to respectfully ask someone to find another community. Yikes. I hate writing that sentence. BUT and this is a big BUT – BUT for the welfare of the community, it is important to have thought about the conditions of belonging. I am SO not talking about forming a club where people get along. In our community we have conflict and petty arguments on a fairly regular basis. This is normal for a tribe of people who love each other and form deep attachments. I’d be concerned if we didn’t have issues to sort through. But there are limits, and those limits are best not determined in the heat of a dispute, but forged through a discernment process over a long period of time and shaped by experience/failure.

Remember Sister Monahan’s discoveries: truth, authenticity, and humility (another way to say that is finding her place in the bigger story as she discovered she was neither unique or alone). Add to that Brene’s five guiding principles and I think we end up with the start of a great conversation for ourselves, our friends, our families, our communities, and any organization we are invested in.

Here are Brene’s (paraphrased by me but available in totality on p. 257 in Rising Strong:

1. Respect - for all and everything.

2. Rumble – value our tribe enough to be willing to wrestle with hard things.

3. Rally – even in conflict, refuse to let go of collaboration, ditch ego, and practice the discipline of gratitude.

4. Recovery – rest!

5. Reach out – don’t isolate, stay connected, practice empathy, compassion and love.

I hope the connections are fairly obvious regarding Monahan’s and Brown’s perspectives. More than anything, I pray that me and mine find ways to remember the 5 R’s and practice living them. Which of these is most difficult for you? Which one do you feel you could show up for your community and practice reasonably well?

Teresa McBean 1/1/18 Teresa McBean 1/1/18

Spiritual Dis-ease

“I knew there was something about you that I liked.”

This sentence saved Sister Molly Monahan from an overwhelming shame attack early in her recovery from alcohol addiction. Sister Monahan, fresh out of rehab, was serving as a consultant and visiting a college campus in Virginia. One evening she slipped away from her duties to attend an AA meeting and discovered to her utter dismay that a law professor she had met earlier in the day was also in attendance. His warm acceptance eased her shame.

As I read her account in her lovely book “Seeds of Grace, A Nun’s Reflections on the Spirituality of Alcoholics Anonymous”, I got the sense that it didn’t immediately occur to her that both she and her new professional acquaintance were attending a meeting for the same reason: to stay sober. Years later she pens these words about her experiences in AA:

And there it is, the deeper truth – that we need to help others in order to be

helped ourselves, and not just with the disease of alcoholism. I can only

think that this reciprocity must be a God-given part of our nature, our true

nature, but obscured for us by the illusion of isolation and of independence and by a misguided selfishness. (Meetings: “My Name is Molly and I’m an Alcoholic”, Seeds of Grace)

Sister Monahan found in AA what so many others have – belonging and purpose. Her personal accounts of isolation in the midst of her affliction leave both herself and others wondering – how is it that a nun felt so spiritually and relationally disconnected? In her first essay, quoted in part above I believe she gets to the heart of the matter when she talks about what she heard in AA.

…I heard the truth of my own feelings, faults, and sneaky motivations played

back for me with uncommon honesty. And I began to know that I was not

alone, and that I was not unique. That is what the suggestion “Identify,

don’t compare,” often given at the beginning of meetings, means.

She hits on several key points that I want to develop in the coming days of devotional readings:

1. She heard truth.

2. She found a place to belong with full authenticity.

3. She discovered she was neither terminally unique or alone.

Teresa McBean 12/31/17 Teresa McBean 12/31/17

A Living Prayer

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A prayer for you on this day…

Lord, for the sins of this past year, we beg you for mercy. Here our cry. For the sins of others who have hurt us this year, we beg you for mercy on their behalf. Here our cry. Grant us your Spirit, to lead us into a heart of repentance and forgiveness.

For the times this year when we have forgotten who we are because of who you are, we ask your forgiveness. Here our cry.

And as we leave this year and begin afresh, we invite you to give us the rest you have promised, provide the abundance of life and vitality that you desire for us, and give us a willingness to do your will. Here our cry.

Deliver us. Amen

And for your listening….

Click here to listen to Deliver Us.

Teresa McBean 12/30/17 Teresa McBean 12/30/17

Ideals versus realities

It may be time to “let go and let God.”

Relationships are conditional. Love can be unconditional – especially if we are standing close to God and receiving his love as a gift that we can pass along to others. But relationships are conditional.

People teach us that their best still puts us at risk at times and we have to distance ourselves for the sake of our own recovery journey. Perhaps we come face-to-face with the cold, hard truth that our best has not been enough to create a healthy relationship with others. Maybe our own behaviors cost us relationships too.

As we prepare for the new year, can we acknowledge this? Maybe get some support to help us unearth what is ours to admit, acknowledge and repair? This is always a good place to start and finish a daily examen.

May we find the support we need to continue our journey! And may we be the support others need as they travel their respective roads to recovery too.